


Bitter Sweets

by ArynjaT



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: 2004, AU, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Angst, Bullying, Chubby Brian, Creepy Feederism, Drama, Fat Shaming, Feeding, Insecurity, M/M, Nick and Howie are German, Possessiveness, Psychological issues, Romance, Set In Leipzig Germany, Tags will be updated, Violence, Weight Issues, domestic abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:28:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 66,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26018047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArynjaT/pseuds/ArynjaT
Summary: Kevin, Brian and AJ moved to Leipzig in Germany two years ago. Kevin owns a Café there. The other two guys are running the shop with him.Brian enjoys his work as a confectioner and pastry chef, but has some issues in his personal life. The things with his boyfriend Paul not as great as they used to be and what bugs him just as much is the fact that he gained so much weight. He doesn't feel comfortable with the way he looks and isn't confident about it.One day Brian meets a german guy called Nick. He immediately feels attracted towards that guy and feels guilty about it, because he already has a boyfriend.This story is about Brians struggles with love and his weight issues.
Relationships: Brian Littrell/Nick Carter, Brian Littrell/Original Male Character, Frick & Frack, Nick Carter/Brian Littrell
Comments: 33
Kudos: 43





	1. Love Cookies

**Author's Note:**

> So this will be my third longer story. This time set in an alternate universe and a whole different country. I know the city this story takes place in very well.
> 
> I want to thank my betareader Pocket_Owl for editing my story and helping me so so much. So thank you girl, you are AWESOME! :)

Brian was a confectioner and pastry chef. Not just any pastry chef, either, but one of the three that ran the Backstreet Cake shop, a place that was just as popular with the young as with the old. It was located in a small alley at Leipzig’s City Center. The Barfußgäßchen was widely known throughout the city as a street where you could have good food and a great night out. The building housing their cake shop had once been a traditional German café, but the former owners had declared bankruptcy.

As sad as that was, the chance to invest in it had been given to Brian’s cousin Kevin. It had always been his dream to have his own café, bringing the taste of pastries from his homeland to foreign countries. It was a bit of national pride that made Brian’s cousin want to advertise the distinct taste of the USA in Germany. 

Brian still could remember the day when Kev had asked him if he wanted to come along on the journey. At first he had been a bit worried about leaving behind his family and everything he had known so far but, in the end, Kevin had been able to persuade him. 

"I need someone with your skill-set. You are the best pastry chef I know and a great confectioner, as well," he had said, appealing to Brian’s pride. He hadn’t even lied; Brian was damn good at his job.

That had been two years ago and things had changed a lot since then. Brian had changed. When he came here, he had been wide-eyed, perhaps naive. Both he and Kevin expected the German public to welcome them with open arms, as if their baked goods had been a godsend to their country, something they all had been waiting for. The reality proved to be different. While the first few weeks in business had been wild and stressful, the novelty of an American cake-shop soon wore off. 

It hit them hard. They became desperate to survive, constantly afraid of failing, but eventually they made the right business decisions to set them back on their path.

The problem was that they had not accounted for German taste. They just came with the same recipes they had used at home, then they realized they had to alter the recipes to fit what the locals preferred. American cakes were nice and pretty, but they also were much too sweet for German tastes. They had to adjust the recipes and Brian had been in charge of doing that. He had spent weeks doing research; he even asked local colleagues for help and, eventually, he managed to succeed.

Brian was proud of that, but that stress had changed him. He matured quite a bit during that time. Before, he had been carefree and confident, now he knew what it was like to worry. Perhaps he even worried a little bit too much at times.

Something else had changed as well. His eyes were caught by the reflection of his face on the glass of the oven. There had been a time when it had been kinder to him. Silently, Brian puffed out his cheeks as he looked at himself, carefully scrutinizing every little bit of fat he considered too much. He despised the way he looked. Those chubby legs, his face which had lost a bit of its contour, his sausage-like fingers, and worst of all the little flab of belly that had started to form. He really hated how he looked, hated that he had allowed himself to get that way. 

It was not exactly like he had changed anything about his eating habits. Brian had always enjoyed eating and snacking, but the difference was that he had stopped doing sports. He missed it, too. Brian still loved sports; basketball in particular, but everything else as well. It would have made him so happy to go out and be active every day. Alas, that wasn’t an option. 

All he could do to get back in shape was to change his eating habits. Perhaps he should have thought about that before. Now, he already was fat; now, things would be difficult.

With a sigh, he pulled his eyes away from his reflection. Best not to think about it too long. He turned instead towards a baking-sheet carrying heart-shaped cookies. He was about to lift it, when a voice called out to him.

"Everything okay, Rok?" The voice belonged to AJ. 

Alexander James McLean — that was his full name — had come with them from the US, all the way at the beginning. Brian had known him for years. They had worked together in America as well, had learned their craft together. AJ was Brian’s best friend, so it was not surprising that he recognized his sorrow so quickly.

Brian sighed. "Yeah … kinda.", he spoke in a slightly melancholic fashion. "I'm just starting to look like an elephant."

He poked his belly fat gently as he looked across the room towards AJ, who was standing at the other oven.

AJ shook his head in bewilderment. "You're not that fat, Bri, don't be silly," he responded, with a worried look as he lifted one of the baking sheets on his own.

"’Not _that_ fat’ does still mean I'm fat, doesn't it, Aje?" Insecurity was dripping from Brian’s words as he looked at his friend. AJ was trying to calm him down, but he couldn't deny that Brian had gained weight.

And he didn't. AJ looked him over, then sighed. "You're just a bit chubby. Don't worry about it, Bri. It's cute. Paul doesn't seem to mind it either, does he?"

Of course, AJ had to bring up his boyfriend. It made Brian roll his eyes as he finally lifted the baking sheet and started to walk along with his colleague. Things with his boyfriend were difficult. He loved him and Brian was sure Paul felt the same about him, but they argued a lot as well. Most of it was Brian’s fault, of course. He was just way too stressed out with work; he sometimes didn't treat his lover the way he was supposed to treat him. AJ didn't need to know that, though.

"Nah, he doesn’t," he said instead, and took a while to think about it. 

Paul really _didn't_ mind that he got chubby. “More to Love,” he said, but Brian wasn't sure how he felt about that. At times, it felt as if he was even encouraging him to gain weight and that made him feel uncomfortable. He didn't want to be fat, but perhaps he just perceived it all wrong; he was good at that. 

Why would he want him fat? It wasn't attractive.

When he and AJ stepped into the front of the bakery, Brian sighed again. It was February, two days before Valentine’s Day, and eight days before his 29th birthday. He should be happier than he felt right now, but it was as if melancholy had captured him. What did he have to celebrate, right now? Getting old? The fact that he had gained at least 30 pounds? That he was a terrible boyfriend to Paul? Brian knew he was being a downer right now, but he couldn't help his mood.

It didn't help that the shop was nearly empty again. Fewer customers meant less income. Less income meant more worries. More worries meant more stress about needing to find out how to get the shop busy again. Things had been looking so good until that jazz café had opened next door. Now the customers went there instead, because there they could eat and enjoy live music at the same time.

"We should get ourselves some live musicians, too," Brian said to AJ as he placed the cookies on display and looked at the nearly empty room.

"Yeah, but not jazz, man. That would drive me nuts. Something less like noise, you know?" his friend responded, joining him in his work behind the counter.

"I'll talk to Kev about it." Brian finished the conversation just as he had placed the last cookie. 

AJ nodded at this declaration. He knew it was better if Brian did the talking with Kev. He had the wire to him; he was his cousin.

"You wanna do back or front duty today?" Alex asked as he gathered the empty baking-sheets that had carried both of their cookies.

For a moment Brian thought about that question. He had grown anxious around people, especially since he had gained so much weight, but on the other hand making new cakes in the back only tempted him to snack. 

"I'll stay here, Aje. You do the baking," he decided and walked towards the cash register, logging himself into the device.

"Alright, you know where to find me, mate." Alex grinned at those words before he vanished into the back, leaving Brian to serve customers.

When AJ stepped back into the kitchen Brian sighed. This was going to be a slow day, slower even than the day before. The rain that was falling outside made sure that only few people went out. Who wanted to go out and have cakes, when it meant getting wet like a poodle? 

Slowly, Brian looked around in the room. The walls were designed with light colors, mostly white, but there were accents of blue and red to fit the US theme. The tables and chairs were solid black wood and stood on a wood floor. The café had two floors; the second one could be reached from a door leading to a set of stairs that was located on the left wall. Today it was locked, since they only opened it when the lower floor was filled to the brim. 

Brian really liked the way the café was designed, it was comfy but spacious. Even if they had a lot of guests, there was still enough room to breathe. 

Right now, the place was rather empty. There was only one family sitting on a table in the farthest corner of the room. AJ had served them earlier, so Brian couldn't do anything more for them.

Since there was nothing else he could do, Brian started to work on the displays. He reorganized them, making sure their goods looked the best they could. While they had just placed the heart-shaped cookies in rows, Brian thought that for Valentine’s Day it perhaps would be better to lay them out in a way that spelled “I love you,” so he started to do just that. He became kind of entranced in it, so much so that he didn't even notice an actual customer stepping up.

"Hey! I’d like to have some of these cookies," a sudden voice spoke, making Brian startle. "Oh, sorry, didn't mean to scare you." 

When Brian looked up to examine the source of those words he was taken aback; he was beautiful. 

There in front of him stood a guy so German, he could have been the picture next the word in a dictionary. Blond, blue eyes, quite pale, and tall, too. He seemed to be about his age, perhaps a bit younger, and he was smiling. Smiling at him. 

Brian felt nervous, as he noticed how attracted he was to the guy just by looking at him. Then, he felt a wave of guilt wash over him. How could he think that way when he had Paul? Yet, who could blame him, when the guy looked like _that_?

Obviously coming from the rain outside, he was drenched. That alone wasn't the problem, but he was wearing only a white shirt tucked to his black cargo pants. Brian could see every detail of the man’s body: his chest muscles, even the nipples. Brian blushed as he examined him.

"Hello?" the blond spoke, reminding Brian that he had to work here.

"Oh, sorry … I just … um … the heart cookies?" He stumbled a little over his words, blushing. "How many?" He took out the tongs, ready to serve whatever the blond wished to have.

"200 grams, please," his client responded and then watched Brian as he put them into a paper bag.

He was thankful to have some distraction. If he was concentrating on filling the bag, Brian did not have to look at the beautiful man, and then he wouldn't need to feel bad about finding him attractive.

"I'm Nick, by the way." A sudden, unexpected introduction came from the guy’s lips.

"Huh?" Brian blinked, looking up for a moment from what he was doing.

"My name is Nick and it's a pleasure to meet you. Who are you?" he said, as he winked. 

With those words, Brian felt butterflies dancing in his stomach.

What was happening here? Why was he winking? Was he trying to flirt with him? Brian should have told him that he had a boyfriend, but he didn’t. Instead, he looked at Nick with big eyes, holding firmly onto the paper bag filled with hearts. He was charmed. 

"I’m … uh … my name is Brian. Nice to meet you, Nick.", he finally managed to press out a few words, before he filled up the rest of the bag. "200 grams of love cookies," he commented as he placed them on the counter. 

Nick smiled again and reached for the bag, putting a five euro note on the table to pay. Those blue eyes that he was sporting captured Brian, when he spoke again.

"That should be enough. The rest is for you, Brian." 

Nick smirked as he spoke, but he didn't leave Brian any time to respond. Before he could say anything, the blond had already turned his back to him and was leaving the shop, the bag of heart-cookies in his hand.

Brian couldn't help but look after him a while. That Nick kid had been really attractive, and that smile, that beautiful smile! He felt the warmth rising in his cheeks again when he thought about it. Was he crushing? He shouldn't be crushing. 

Slowly, he gathered up the money; it was more than enough. Suddenly, he froze in his motion. As his fingers touched the bill, he noticed something else; there was something below it: a piece of paper. Not money, but paper nonetheless. With shivering hands, Brian reached for it. It was a message. Strange, Brian had not seen him write it, but there it was. Slowly he read the line.

_"Hey, you're cute. Give me a call. My number is 04187 - 753 42 77. <3 Nick"_

As Brian read that message he gasped, immediately grabbing the counter for support as his knees got weak. That blond beauty was interested in him. He had just given him his number. Nobody had ever given him their number quite like that. 

Paul would be angry if he found out and yet Brian couldn't bring himself to throw the piece of paper away. So, he slowly folded it and put it into the pocket of his jeans. 

It was strange how little it took, but suddenly the day felt a lot better than before. Somebody actually thought he was cute. Brian couldn't help but let out a delighted kind of squeal as he realized that. Of course, he wouldn't call that number; he simply couldn't, but it felt nice to have it.


	2. Spaghetti and Pudding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy Chapter 2 of this story. 
> 
> Thanks go out once again to my lovely beta-reader: Pocket_Owl. Your work really elevates my stories to a new level, so thank you :)

The business didn’t really pick up. What had started as a slow day, ended as a slow day. It was frustrating, because Brian knew the rival jazz café was filled to the brim, all because of their live music. It couldn't continue on like this. If they kept stealing their customer base like that, it would be their end.

They had to do something; his cousin and boss had to do something. So after taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door of Kevin’s office. He waited a few seconds until he heard a "Come in!" then he stepped through the door.

Kevin’s office was a mess, there were papers spread all over his desk, and the tiny room was filled with way too much furniture. It didn't really seem inviting, and yet his cousin seemed to feel right at home. He was sitting behind the desk, looking at him expectantly.

"Hey, Kev," Brian spoke up immediately, no wanting to let his cousin wait any longer. "AJ and I have been talking about that jazz café. We thought maybe we should get some live musicians, as well. I mean … we kinda are losing our customers to them."

A sigh escaped Kevin’s throat as he heard those words. Slowly he pushed the paper he had been writing on to the side. He seemed to be thinking for a moment, trying to put the words in his mind in order, before he gave them to his cousin.

When he had finally decided what to say, he leaned back on his chair. "Brian, if it were that easy I would have already done it, but I simply can't afford to employ another person. We need to find another way to get our customers back."

The monetary restrictions were of course a problem. Even though Brian had been vaguely aware of them, he didn't think too much about it. The café had fallen into a slump; they were making no more money than they made before they changed their recipes, perhaps even less. Still, Brian thought that Kevin would have a way to get musicians somehow. Even if he didn't, they had to change something. They couldn't let their rivals destroy their business.

"I … I would give up some of my wage for a live musician if that helps," Brian said.

He had thought about it before. It wouldn't matter to him. Paul was earning enough money with his IT work. He could provide for them, even if Brian earned a little less. If that was what needed to be done to get their business running again, Brian was willing to do it. It sounded like a great idea in his mind. Looking at Kevin, however, Brian noticed that he didn't seem really excited about it. 

He was frowning when he responded. "Brian, you get so little already. I can't pay you any less. You do so much for the shop; it wouldn't be right."

"But I'm fine, Kev!" Brian quickly retorted, but his cousin wouldn't have it.

"Stop it! I'm not paying you less." Kevin shook his head and stared him down. It was obvious he would block any further suggestions in that direction.

Brian eyed Kevin skeptically. While it was great to have a boss that cared for his employees, it also made things difficult. It hindered him from making the right business decisions when they were needed. Sometimes it was better to be a little cold towards the people that worked for you if it meant saving them in the long run. Brian knew all that, but he also knew that Kevin wouldn't be willing to hear it. So all he could do was to release a sigh.

When Kevin noticed his frustration he pressed his lips to a line. After a moment of silence he spoke again. "Don't worry; we will find a solution, even if I have to play the piano myself."

It sounded like a great idea! Kevin was really good at playing music. Brian had listened to him all the way back, when he was still a child and Kev was just learning. What had started out as clumsy attempts at music had evolved into art. It sounded like a great idea to use his talent, but there was a problem. 

"We don't even have a piano," Brian stated the obvious as he allowed his shoulders to drop. It all seemed so hopeless. Didn't Kev see?

If he did, he surely was great at hiding his worries. Then again, perhaps he was just not ready to give up so easily. 

"We will manage one way or another." His cousin ended the conversation. 

It was obvious he was done discussing it. Brian knew that his cousin cared a lot about the café. Of course he did; it was his baby. It was everything he had ever dreamed of owning, so him ending the conversation about it didn't mean he did not care. It simply meant that Kevin didn't want to talk about it anymore. He knew the problems, but he had not found all the solutions yet. 

"But enough business talk, now. How are you?" As he asked that question, Kevin’s expression got quite a bit warmer. 

Brian noticed how he was looking him over, examining him. There was no hint of worry in his eyes, but a lot of curiosity.

"I'm okay." It was the best answer Brian could offer.

It wasn't exactly true; Brian knew he wasn't happy. He felt like he was down in the dumps, but he didn't like to admit it. Kevin had enough to worry about, without having to hear how Brian was doing. Even though the older man didn't show it, Brian knew that he was worried. Owning a successful café had been his big dream and right now it wasn't working out. Compared to Kevin’s issues, Brian’s felt so irrelevant. 

"That doesn't sound particularly good," Kevin spoke, seemingly not happy with his answer.

Brian sighed as he looked at him. It didn't seem like he would allow him to slip out of this conversation. The way Kevin was staring him down it was obvious he wouldn't let him go on until he got the truthful answer he wanted. So, with a frustrated sigh, he tugged on his sweater as he spoke.

"Um, Kev, I just miss the old me, the fit me. Look at me now." He spread his arms slightly to present himself, causing Kevin to shake his head.

"Aw, it's not that bad really." The older man leaned his head to the side as he looked him over.

Why did they all have to say that? It was bad. For him, it was terrible. He just didn't feel comfortable with all that extra weight. He hated that all his favorite clothes didn't fit him anymore. He hated the looks he got and how all of that chub caused him to get out of breath so easily.

So he couldn't hide the frustration in his voice when he responded to Kevin’s well-meant words: "You sound just like AJ."

He knew they both just wanted to cheer him up. But how could they make him feel better about something he felt so disgusted by?

"But it's true. Right, you are a little chubby, but that's not what counts. When I look at you I see a kind man, who cares more about everybody else than about himself." Kevin smiled when he spoke, but his eyes were full of sorrow. "Brian, there are really way worse things than you being a few pounds too heavy."

Of course he would say that, he did not have to live with it. He was not the one that was fat. No, Kevin was slim and tall. He still could do sports, go out have fun, be active, distract himself from his worries, and have a way to get out all that negative energy. 

There was a lot of negative energy; when Brian thought about the past few months, so many things had happened that caused him to be sad, angry, and depressed.

"You say that, but you aren't the one who gets all the looks and insults," Brian huffed and turned his head to look to the ground.

It was true. People could be so cruel, just because you didn't fit their beauty standards. He remembered every word and every action: the laughter, the insults, the violence. It wasn't happening every day, but still often enough.

"People are insulting you?" Kevin seemed shocked. 

Why was he though? He should have known that was what fat people went through all the time. 

"Who is insulting my lil' cousin? How dare they!" Now he was getting loud.

Brian knew that Kevin would protect him if the need arose, but he didn't want that. Those problems he had were his own. He had to take care of it himself. It would be wrong to burden his cousin with it. If he got involved, it would just end badly.

So, annoyed by Kevins anger, Brian raised his hand. "Kev, calm down. It's alright."

"No, it's not." Kevin protested.

Of course it wasn't, but what did he want Brian to do? There was nothing he could do without getting himself in trouble. Also, it felt so uncomfortable to talk about this. It had been a mistake to admit his weakness. Now he had someone worried for him, who didn't even understand what it was like. 

So Brian shook his head firmly. "Yes, it is. I don't want to talk about it right now. See you tomorrow."

This discussion wasn't leading anywhere, anyhow. If they continued it, they would just circle around the same subject over and over. It was better to end it. That way Brian could also avoid thinking about it further. It felt easier just to go. And just like that, he turned around to leave the office and close the door behind him. He had to get home, anyhow. Paul was waiting for him.

-

The journey home didn't take long. Leipzig was a city with great public transport; there were trams heading in all directions. Brian had to travel to the west part of the city, as Paul and him lived in a flat in a district called Lindenau. It was calmer than the city center and yet more lively than the outer rims of town. 

Brian loved living there not far from the city stadium, close enough that he could hear the live concerts happening there. In the early days of their relationship, before Brian had moved in, Paul and he sometimes had spent the whole evening on their balcony just to listen to the music. It had been a while since they had last done that.

As Brian climbed the last flight of stairs leading to their apartment, he remembered that night. Guns 'n' Roses had been giving a concert. He loved that band for a long time, so it had been a great opportunity to hear them play live, even though he could not afford the tickets at that time. It had been a beautiful evening. Paul had cared for him so much that night: held him, kissed him, touched him. If only they could repeat that soon. 

As he opened the door, he was set on suggesting another concert night to his boyfriend, but when he pushed it open and saw his man waiting on the other side, he knew it wasn't the right time to speak about it. 

"Where have you been?" Paul sounded angry and he looked it too.

Brian examined him, careful not to meet his piercing brown eyes. There Paul stood, his hands resting on his hips, staring at him in anger. He was dressed in a blue sweater and gray jeans, and his dark-brown hair was hanging unkempt to his shoulders. It had been one of the things Brian had loved so much about him, that long hair. He also had loved his smile, but his current expression was far from that. His nostrils were flared and his eyebrows narrowed. It all caused Brian to lower his head.

"Sorry, it took a little longer than usual. I had a talk with my cousin about some things," he said, quickly coming a bit closer to his boyfriend and giving him an apologetic look. He didn't seem to take the apology.

"Why didn't you call?" Paul asked instead, causing Brian to press his lips to a line.

He was right, he should have called. After all, that was what his mobile was for, to let Paul know when he was going to be late. It had been stupid of him to forget to, but all those worries about the café had caused him to be distracted.

"I didn't think about it. My mind was elsewhere," Brian admitted truthfully, looking up a bit.

Being scolded like that felt bad, Brian didn't want Paul to be angry. Carefully, he reached out to touch the taller man’s arm. When that caused his boyfriend to pull back, Brian winced a little. 

"Do you even care about me?" The question stung Brian, to the heart.

Of course he cared, but Paul was right, he had not been very good at showing it, and half of the day he had been thinking about another guy, too. It made him feel so bad that even now he remembered how attractive and charming that Nick guy had been. How could he think about him, when Paul loved him so much? He felt bad.

So before he answered Paul's question, he wiped his eyes, where tears were forming. "Of course I do, babe! I'm sorry."

He finally looked up into those eyes to meet them with his own. There was anger in them, but after a moment it faded away and Paul stepped closer, putting his arms around Brian and pulling him up against his chest.

Paul bent down and whispered into his ear, "Don't do it again, alright?"

All Brian could do was to nod. He didn't know any words to say anymore, and was afraid that whatever he could say would only make Paul angry again. So he stayed silent, while his boyfriend lead him along towards the kitchen.

When they entered the room Brian could see that his lover had prepared dinner for them. There was a pot with spaghetti and a basket full of baguette pieces with melted garlic-butter on them. Additionally, there was a bowl full of chocolate pudding standing on the counter. Brian widened his eyes as he saw it.

"Let's eat and calm down, okay?" Paul gently played his hand through Brian’s hair as he asked the question.

Seeing the amount of food, Brian could only sigh. All of it was unhealthy and fattening, not the kind of stuff he wanted to eat. Paul knew how he felt about his weight, so why was he doing this? He didn't dare to ask, cause he didn't want to upset him.

Still he tried to protest just a little: "Mm, I don't think I'm very hungry today."

His words were chosen carefully, he didn't want to hurt his boyfriend, yet he seemingly did, because as soon as he finished speaking, Paul pulled away from him. As Brian faced him again, he found him staring at him in disappointment.

"But I made it just for you," he said, sounding hurt and looking at the table.

Once again Brian looked at the assortment of food. Of course it was charming that his boyfriend made it with such deep love just for him, but it was so much. He felt so bad about his weight and all this would only add to it. Paul had to understand that, right?

"I know, but," he carefully addressed his lover, trying to calm him down, trying to explain, "I gained so much weight, I feel really uncomfortable and fat. I have to change my eating habits."

Now Paul frowned and looked him over. He blinked a bit and shook his head.

"Don't be silly; you are fine. I love you the way you are," Paul said and reached a hand out to gently rub his belly.

"But I don't wanna be like this," this time it was Brian who pulled back, because he felt disgusted by being touched there.

When he did, Paul looked at him thoughtfully. For a moment he was silent, then he huffed, taking Brian by the hand and leading him towards the table. 

"C'mon babe. I put all my love into this meal. Don't throw it away like that, just because you’re going crazy. Or do you want to make me sad? Is that it? First you come home late and now you don't want to eat what I made with love?" With his drilling question, Paul let go of Brian’s hand to sit down on his chair.

Those words got to Brian. It wasn't right to not appreciate all of the love Paul was giving him. He did so much for him, and all Brian was thinking about was himself. That realization made him feel so guilty again. He didn't want to throw away that love. What did his worries about weight matter, when he had to take care of their relationship? 

Without a further word, Brian decided to give in. Paul was right, so he moved around the table and sat down on his chair slowly. It wouldn't be that bad; he loved spaghetti, after all.

Eating took a while. Paul lightened up quite a bit when Brian started to eat and actually enjoy the food. The pasta was very well made, so tasty and with just the right amount of salt, and the baguette to it was such a nice addition. Finally, the chocolate pudding was so sweet and a great contrast to the meal before. There was nothing to complain about; Paul was a good cook.

When they were done eating Brian felt stuffed and full. He couldn't help immediately regretting eating so much, and yet when he looked at Paul and saw him smile, he forced himself not to think about it.

"You're the most beautiful creature on the planet, Brian baby. I love you," his boyfriend said as he cleaned the table, allowing Brian to rest.

"I love you, as well," Brian responded with a smile of his own.

-

After dinner, it was time for television. Brian cuddled up to Paul and watched the scenes unfolding on the screen. His mind wasn't really thinking about it, though. Now that they were sitting, his mind traveled back to his worries. All the food he had consumed made him feel so bad. He didn't know how many calories he had eaten, but it were way too many for the amount of movement he was doing in a day.

He would continue gaining if it went on like this; he had to do something. Paul would understand, wouldn't he?

So, after a moment of hesitation, he raised his voice. "Babe?" He looked up to his lover and sat up a little so he could better see his face. 

Paul was still looking at the television screen when he responded, "Yes, my love?"

"I want to start doing sports again." The words left Brian’s throat quickly.

He promptly regretted it when he saw Paul’s reaction. His boyfriend quickly jerked his head around and scowled. Anger was written all over his face as he stood up from the couch.

"Are you starting again? Am I such a bother to you?" his words were loud and he was looking down at him.

"No, honey … " Brian quickly tried to deflect, but Paul interrupted him.

"Shut it, Brian, you just can't stand being around me. You wanna leave me alone. You work all day, and now you wanna spend your free time doing sports? How much time will be left for us then?" his lover's voice was still raised and Brian could see anger flaming in his eyes.

Paul leaned down, and Brian shrank farther away from him, into the couch. He gave Brian a light shove, before moving in and pressing him back into the sofa, gripping his shoulders.

"There still would be enough time." Brian was panicking as he looked up at the towering figure of his boyfriend. 

He loved him so much; he didn't want him to be angry. He wanted him to be the kind man he had grown to love. It was all Brian’s fault; he had made him angry.

"Are you serious? I can't believe it. Okay, if you really want to get away from me so badly, then go." His boyfriend’s eyes narrowed as he spoke, then he pulled away and turned his back to him pointing at the door.

Brian gasped, then sobbed as tears started to run along his cheeks. He didn't want to argue with Paul. He wanted to hug and cuddle with him. He was so good to him. Brian wondered why he was so talented in always messing things up.

"No, Paul … No. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry," he said in a desperate fashion, reaching out and touching Paul’s arm, "Please look at me, babe. I love you, okay?"

He pleaded with him, wanting to prevent him from ending their relationship. The idea of being without Paul felt so scary. What would he do without him? He was full of worry when he eyed his boyfriend’s back. As Paul finally turned around again and knelt down in front of him, Brian sobbed again.

Paul spoke in a gentle voice as if he was speaking to a child and wiped Brian’s tears away. "Brian, why are you always like that? It's like you don't love me. You’re always trying to get away from me. It can't be that way. You have to work on that. I, alone, can't be the one to make our relationship work. You have to do something for it, too." 

He was right. They had been so happy and calm watching their favorite show. They had even been cuddling, and Brian just had to mess it all up again by speaking about sports. Paul had told him before that he didn't want him to do sports, cause he’d rather spend time together with him. How could he have been so stupid?

"I … I know. I'm sorry; I will try to get better," Brian breathed out in a meek voice and leaned his forehead up against Paul's.

For a while they stayed like that just in silence, Brian still crying, and Paul still wiping the tears away. Paul cared so much for him, and how did he repay him? Thinking about other guys, not appreciating the food he made, and asking to do sports. As Brian’s tears dried, he still felt guilty.

When Paul finally stood up again, the dark-haired man sighed and reached down to grab Brian by the wrist.

"Prove it to me. Prove to me that you’re sorry," he said and pulled him up and along towards their bedroom. 

Brian knew what he meant.


	3. Potato Stew

Friday had finally arrived. For the café that meant business picked up a little. There still were not nearly as many customers as there used to be, but it was still busier than the days before. Only now that the day was finally over had it calmed down again. 

While AJ and Kev were working inside, Brian was cleaning up the tables that stood in front of the building. It felt good to be outside where he could enjoy the fresh evening breeze. Winter was finally on its last breaths and spring was about to arrive. The warmth of the day was evidence of the fact. It had been warm enough that customers had sat outside, thus Brian had a bit to do.

He was carefully cleaning one of the tables with a wet cloth, when he felt someone tugging on the collar of his shirt.

"Mh, what do we have here?" it was AJ's voice and he poked a red mark on Brian's throat — a hickey left by Paul.

"AJ! Stop it," Brian called out, pulling away from his best friend quickly. "It's embarrassing!" he added, in an almost silent voice.

Perhaps he should have been proud of it, but the reason why it had been placed on him made it difficult to feel that way; he had made Paul so angry. As it was, it was a reminder of his failures as a boyfriend. Gently, he put the palm of his hand over the spot and turned to face AJ.

"Ah, c'mon, Bri, don't be like that. You're lucky; Paul loves you so much! He's a good guy. I wish my girlfriend would be that passionate." AJ smiled and threw one arm around Brian’s shoulder, pulling him into a short half-hug.

"Yeah … I'm lucky," Brian repeated as he thought about it. 

Was he really that lucky? Things between him and Paul were so difficult; they had been arguing so much recently. He hated the fact that he somehow always managed to set his lover off.

"You don't sound convinced!" AJ said, perceiving Brian’s doubts quickly.

"Well, you see, things with Paul are tense sometimes. We argue a lot recently." Brian’s words were quite meek. 

It made no sense to hide stuff from AJ. As his best friend, he was pretty good at reading him, anyhow, so hiding it didn’t really work. It felt way better to be honest.

"Why?" was the question AJ directed at Brian, as he stepped around him to look directly at Brian’s face.

"I think it mostly has to do with me. I’ve been kind of difficult." Brian pressed his lips to a line and looked down at the washing cloth in his hand.

Had he not been late yesterday, and had it not been for his persistence about wanting to play sports and losing weight, Paul would have never gotten angry, and things would have been wonderful. There was no doubt in Brian’s mind that the current trouble he was facing with his boyfriend was his own fault.

AJ looked him over for a moment, then shook his head before pulling him into a deeper hug this time.

"Don't blame yourself, Rok; we all have a lot of stress recently with the café and everything. Paul probably knows that, too," AJ assured him. Not releasing Brian from the hug, he patted his back caringly. 

"Mhh … I hope you are right Aje," Brian sighed, speaking quietly, a little lost in thought.

Slowly, Brian rested his chin on AJ's shoulder; it felt good to have someone care that way for him. Ever since they had left America, it felt as if AJ was about the only person who he could trust like that, the only person that felt like a shoulder to lean on. 

Of course, he had Kevin as well but even though he was family, the fact that Kevin had so much stress with owning the café made it difficult for Brian to speak to him at times. He had learned to keep a professional distance from his cousin. 

With AJ, it was different. They both had the same position on the shop, the same worries and issues, and they had been best friends for a while.

"All will be fine; you’ll see," AJ confidently said, before he pulled out of the hug. "Anyway, I'm going back inside," he added and turned to leave.

Now without anyone to hug him, Brian let his shoulders fall forward.

"I'll finish up these tables, and join you," he called after AJ.

It was about time to have their weekly meeting. They spoke about the past week – things that happened with customers, what went well, what went badly – a review. They always did that on Fridays after closing up the place. Before they could start, though, they needed to finish cleaning up, so Brian bent down over the table again to continue wiping. 

Just as he was about to finish the table, someone suddenly stepped up behind him and put their hands in front of his eyes.

"AJ!" Brian exclaimed, immediately standing up, "Stop it! I thought you went inside?"

Really, he had no time for silliness right now. He needed to finish cleaning the tables; it already was taking much longer than he had planned.

"Who is AJ?" a voice made its way into Brian’s ear.

It wasn't AJ.

That voice, he remembered it from the day before. Much to his dismay, he suddenly felt the speed of his heartbeat increasing as he turned around to look at the owner of the hands.

There he was, way too close – Nick, the blond beauty that hadn’t left his thoughts ever since he had met him the first time. Now he stood here, right in front of him. Brian could feel Nick’s breath hitting his cheek. 

It didn't take long for Brian to feel guilty again. With Nick that close, he felt quite weak all of a sudden, and so totally attracted to him, but it was wrong. He shouldn't feel that way when he had a boyfriend waiting for him back home.

"Oh … um … hi, Nick. What are you doing here?" Brian finally spoke, not even able to hide the nervousness in his words.

Nick slowly stepped backwards and crossed his arms. Today he wasn’t drenched with water, at least, but that didn't make him any less sexy. The clothes he wore were stylish: a black leather jacket and a white shirt below it. Brian’s attention, however, was really caught by his washed-out jeans; they were too tight to leave anything up to imagination. Brian couldn't stop himself from blushing.

He wasn't sure if Nick noticed, but the fact that he started to grin made Brian worry he did.

"Well, you didn't call, and so I thought I'd come by and ask why not?" Nick responded, keeping his arms crossed.

Right, the message he had left him. Brian looked shyly to the ground as he remembered it. He had taken it, but it had not been his intention to ever call. Then again, he had not expected the blond to show up again if he didn’t.

As much as he would have loved to speak with Nick on the phone, Brian just had not been able to do it. It would have felt too much like cheating to do that. 

So, after a moment of hesitation he gave Nick an apologetic look. "Uh … well … you see. I'm flattered and everything, but I do have a b— "

"— A boyfriend, yeah. With a hickey like that, it's not hard to see." Nick didn't let him finish and he grinned, leaning in again to pull on the collar of Brian’s shirt at just the same spot AJ had pulled.

That closeness made Brian shiver; he couldn't stop his body from reacting. The tiniest of goosebumps started to form all over his skin, while his cheeks started to sport a deep red colour.

Nick smirked again and looked deep into his eyes, making Brian breathe in deeply. That wonderful blue colour he saw in that gaze was not unlike his own eye color, but it seemed so much more beautiful. He got lost in there a moment, as Nick spoke on.

"I still want to get to know you better, though. Boyfriend or not," Nick said with some determination, confusing Brian.

Until now Brian had thought that the blond had only been looking for romance, and yet he still wanted to see him, despite the fact he had a boyfriend. It made no sense.

So Brian tilted his head to the side curiously and raised his voice again, "Huh? But why?"

"Just because I want to hang out with you. I think we would get along quite well," Nick admitted, and this time it was him who looked Brian over.

The way the blond was looking at him mostly seemed curious. 

Perhaps he was right. They seemed to be about the same age and Brian felt quite happy talking to him. He felt drawn to Nick, wanted to be with him and get to know him better. Yet, when he thought about Paul, he knew that it would be hard to do so.

"I don't think that’s such a good idea," Brian said with a slight resignation, but Nick didn't want to let the topic rest.

"C'mon, your boyfriend would not mind you making friends, would he? " the blond asked and crossed his arms again, as if he was challenging him.

"Paul is … " Brian found himself starting the sentence. 

No, he couldn't say that. He was glad that he was able to stop himself from speaking in time, but it still left him shocked. He had nearly talked about Paul's jealousy, and to an almost stranger, at that. Oddly enough, he felt as if he could trust Nick with that info, but it wasn't right; Nick shouldn't hear about his troubles with his boyfriend. It was too private. 

It would have been better to just tell Nick to leave him alone. He should have done it, but when he looked at the blond again, all he wanted to do was to get closer to him. 

So despite his best intentions, he lied. "No, he wouldn't mind."

Brian shook his head to underline his words, which caused Nick to smile widely again.

"Fine, then. How long do you work tomorrow?" Nick immediately wanted to know, now shining with happiness.

"’Til 4 in the afternoon." Brian gave him his schedule and examined him carefully, wondering what was going on in the blond's mind.

He had an idea where this was going, but he didn't know what to think about it. The only thing that he knew was that he didn't want to stop it.

"Alright, how about we hang out after? I'll meet you there!" Nick said, and pointed at a huge fountain not too far from the café. 

It was a beautiful thing; Brian admired it every morning when he came to work, but right now he couldn't think about the wonderful picturesque scenery. That man — Nick — wanted to see him. Nick really did want to see him; hang out with him, even. He wanted to become his friend. Somehow, it filled his heart with warmth. 

— but when Paul popped up in his mind again all he could do was sigh.

"I don't know," Brian said, well aware that his boyfriend would get mad if he found out that he was even speaking with another guy who wanted to get to know him.

"Just for an hour, Brian. Please! It would make me so happy." Nick wasn't one to give up that easily, it seemed.

He even folded his hands as he pleaded, as if he was begging. Brian thought it was kind of cute; how could he deny a request asked as sweetly as that?

So, Brian found himself speaking. "Alright, just for an hour, though."

As soon as Brian’s words were spoken, Nick had a shining smile again. He seemed to be truly happy that Brian had agreed to meet with him. He was so delighted that he even clapped his hands once, like a child that just got his Christmas present. It was so charming, that Brian couldn't help but to smile himself.

"You won't regret it! See you tomorrow!" Nick said with shining eyes, then turned around.

"Hey, wait!" Brian heard himself calling before he could think about it. 

He didn't want the blond to leave yet, but Nick just turned quickly to look over his shoulder. He waved lightly and winked, before continuing on his way. 

As that beautiful person stepped away into the distance, Brian blushed again and whispered, "Bye, Nick!" He couldn't wait to see him again tomorrow.

By the time Nick vanished around a corner in the distance, Brian was already back to cleaning tables. Without any further distractions, it didn't take long for him to finish them off. After a last look over the furniture surrounding him, Brian nodded and walked back inside.

He expected Kevin and AJ to be the only ones waiting for him, but to his surprise there was somebody else, as well.

"Paul, what are you doing here?" Brian asked in confusion, as he saw his boyfriend.

Paul was dressed in his best suit, and he had tied his long hair into a ponytail. He looked good; there was no denying that. Brian’s boyfriend had the looks of a model; he was tall and slim, but still strong; and he had piercing brown eyes. He was beautiful.

At Brian’s question, he smiled a little.

"Surprise! I want to take you on a date," Paul said, and stepped closer, pulling Brian into a hug and looking down into his eyes. 

He was obviously trying to be comforting and caring, but all Brian could think about was where Paul had come from. Had he been outside when he had been talking to Nick?

"When did you come? I didn't see you," Brian asked, a little agitated.

He truly hadn’t seen him come in, even though he should have. When Brian realized he hadn’t because he had been so focused on Nick outside, he felt nervous. What if Paul had noticed them there? What would he be thinking?

"Yeah, I saw you were busy with that customer and didn't want to disturb you, so I just went inside," Paul said.

So, he had seen them? Brian looked into his eyes, trying to find a hint of anger or jealousy. Luckily, he didn't find any, so Paul probably had not heard what he had talked about with Nick. Brian felt relieved.

"He came here like five minutes ago," AJ explained with a soft smile as he watched them.

"Oh. I'm sorry I didn't see you," Brian said, still looking up into Paul's eyes.

He needed to apologize; it wasn’t right to not notice his boyfriend. Paul wouldn’t like it, and Brian was sure he would get angry with him if he didn't apologize. Well, he would when they were back home since, as Paul always said, AJ and Kev didn't need to know about their problems.

"It's alright, babe. I know you get lost in your work a lot, but hey! Here, take this." Much to Brian’s surprise, Paul did not show even the tiniest bit of anger. 

Instead, he handed him the plastic bag he was holding, and as he did so, his lover seemed to be very happy. He was even smiling the smile Brian had fallen in love with. 

Paul examined him for a moment, before he leaned down to give him a loving kiss, pulling his lower lip along gently as they parted.

As they did, Brian felt his knees get weak and he leaned into Paul a little bit more, putting his head against his chest. For a while, he stayed that way, just enjoying the closeness, but then he pulled back to look into the plastic bag handed to him.

"My suit?" Brian asked, looking at it neatly folded inside of the plastic bag.

"Yep! I can't have you going to an opera with me dressed like _that_." Paul gestured at his work clothes, then grinned a bit.

"An opera?!" Brian asked, zeroing in on what he thought was the most important part of Paul's words.

The simple idea of it made Brian smile widely. He loved music, all kinds; classical music just as much as modern. Going to an opera was a beautiful gift for him. Paul must really care for him, if he came up with such a great present. AJ was right; he was a good man.

"Yep, Mozart's The Magical Flute is playing at the opera. I wanted to take you on Valentine's Day, but I could only get tickets for today. I hope you don't mind?" Paul said, seeming a little disappointed with himself. 

Brian shook his head firmly. It didn't matter to him if it was Valentine's Day or not. Who said you only could be romantic on that particular day? Paul truly loved him and he had planned such a beautiful date. Brian didn't care that it happened on the day before Valentine's Day.

"Oh, babe! Of course I don't!" Brian said and went on tiptoe to put another kiss on the corner of Paul's lips. 

His boyfriend smirked.

"Get dressed then, the show already starts in half-an-hour; we should be going," he said, pretending to scold Brian.

The opera wasn't that far away, but Brian still felt like he should hurry. He hesitated, though, because his work wasn't done yet; they still had to review the past week. So, Brian looked questioningly at AJ and Kev.

"It's alright, Bri, we can talk about last week without you," his cousin said, giving him a smile.

AJ nodded as well.

So, everything was fine, he could go without needing to worry. His mind already drifted away to all the things he knew about The Magical Flute, which wasn't much. He knew just one of its arias and from that he only knew the melody, not the lyrics. 

He couldn't wait to see it and find out the whole story!

"Th-Thank you, guys!" Brian said, smiling brightly, then hurried up the stairs to the changing room.

It took a while for Brian to slip into his good clothes; he wanted to look presentable, so he was careful as he put on the suit, taking care that it lay just right and didn't show too many wrinkles. He sighed as he noticed that the shirt was tighter on his belly than he remembered it. It was easy enough to button, but it showed off every extra pound he was carrying. Once again, he was frustrated by the pounds he had gained. Once again, they made him feel unhappy.

He had no choice but to put up with it, though. His tailcoat could be closed but then it would look tight as well. Leaving it open revealed the shirt. Either option was bad in his opinion, but it was not like there was any solution to the problem. With a huff, he finally decided to just keep it open.

At least it didn't feel as uncomfortable as the pants he put on. Brian could only just button them, and when he did, they felt really tight. It felt like a constant reminder about his weight gain.

When he was dressed, he took a moment to brush his hair and get it just right. At least that was something he had control over, so he made sure that it was as perfect as it could be. Perhaps he was a bit vain, sometimes.

When he finally felt satisfied, he made his way back downstairs to Paul.

"You look beautiful, babe," was the first thing his boyfriend called out when he saw Brian stepping down the stairs.

Brian didn't feel beautiful, but he had realized by now that Paul liked him that way. He wanted him to be chubby. It was nothing that he liked himself, but it was also nothing he wanted to discuss at the moment.

"Not compared to you!" he said instead and reached out to take Paul's hand as he offered it to him.

"Don't be silly, you are the most beautiful thing in the world!" His long-haired lover seemed so sure of it.

Perhaps Brian was beautiful to him and wasn't that lovely, for someone to look at him and feel like there was nothing more beautiful in the world? It made him feel loved. For once, Paul made him feel as if he was worth something.

"Paul!" Brian said in light protest, cause he couldn’t bring himself to share his beliefs concerning his looks.

"What? It's the truth! Now, come, let's go." It didn't seem like Paul wanted to discuss it, either, and Brian knew better than to keep talking about it.

Instead, he just stayed silent and nodded. He debated for a moment going to find AJ and Kev to say good-bye to them, but he didn't want to keep Paul waiting longer than needed. Brian could see he was already impatient, it wasn't wise to stress him. 

So, he was careful not to slow them down as Paul lead him along out of the shop, down the street to the other side of the city center.

The opera house was located on the northern side of Augustusplatz, across from the Gewandhaus. The buildings were quite different in their design. The Gewandhaus was quite modern. It had a huge glass facade and he could see the ceiling inside, covered with pictures. He had never been inside, but he always wanted to go. Between the opera house and Gewandhaus, it was the one whose design he preferred.

But Mozart was playing at Leipzig's Opera. It was a huge building, pretty and clean, not really historic or richly decorated like buildings of the Renaissance. Brian guessed it was built sometime during the cold war. Somehow, it seemed a little bit intimidating, and it only got worse the closer Paul lead him to it and the higher the building seemed to be towering above them.

Paul lead them inside, obviously knowing his way around. He also was holding their tickets and showed them when asked. 

They made their way into the big concert hall. Quite a few guests had already arrived, and Brian looked at them curiously, while Paul pulled him along to their seats. 

Not all of the faces were friendly. Most of them ignored them, a few smiled, but he could also see some people, especially older couples, giving them scowls or irritated looks. It was to be expected; they were two men holding hands. As much as Brian hated it, homophobia was still more wide spread than it should be.

He huffed and leaned his head against Paul's shoulder. He would not allow those people to ruin his night.

Finally Paul found their seats, and together they sat down. 

They were sitting on the balcony, in the third row from the front. Where they were sitting, they had a great view of the stage, which still was behind the closed curtain. 

"Thank you, Paul," Brian said in a calm voice, as he looked at him for a moment, smiling warmly.

Paul didn't respond with words, but he returned the smile and put his arm around Brian’s shoulder, pulling him a little closer.

The show would soon start.

-

It was wonderful. After the opera ended, Brian was still so full of emotions that he had tears in his eyes. The singers had all been so talented; their performances had touched his heart.

"Did you like it?" Paul asked in a gentle voice as he lead them outside under the evening sky.

"I did. I loved it. It was such a beautiful story, so full of love," Brian responded without hesitation.

He thought about the story, about how every character had found their match and soulmate. It made him wonder if it was like that with him and Paul, if they were destined for each other. Thoughtfully. he looked his boyfriend over and smiled; it must be that way.

"Mozart is my favorite composer!" Paul explained, as he continued leading him along. 

As they reached the tram-station at the center of the plaza, Brian was about to stop — after all they had to take a tram from here if they wanted to go home — but Paul dragged him along past the station.

"Where are we going?” he asked, looking around the plaza and blinking. "We have to take the tram; don't we?"

Paul chuckled. "Sure we do, but not yet. I want to go out eat with you. Come with me!"

So their date wasn't over? Paul had really planned this night out. Brian smiled widely and hugged Paul's arm a little closer. He was excited, and that excitement grew for a while — until he realized exactly where they were going.

Paul was leading them directly towards one of the two skyscrapers in Leipzig. The one that the locals called 'Weisheitszahn', which meant ‘wisdom tooth,’ based on its weird shape. It was supposed to symbolize an open book, because it once belonged to the university, and also because Leipzig was a city of books, but it didn't do a very good job of looking like one.

Brian slowed down a little as Paul lead him along; he knew that the only restaurant in that place was on the top floor.

"Paul, I'm scared. You know I don't like heights!" he protested and attempted to make his boyfriend stop, but to no avail.

"Don't worry. I'll be with you; I'll hold you tight. Nothing can happen to you," his lover responded, and, as if to show Brian that he meant it, pulled him into a tight hug. 

It was impressive how protective he was, and Brian didn't want to destroy the beauty of the night. It had been so great. He didn't want to once again be the person to mess everything up, so he just gave in.

"A-alright," he stuttered, just as Paul lead them inside and towards the elevators. 

He could feel his hands getting sweaty already when they entered the lift. The building was not anywhere close to as tall as the American skyscrapers he had seen before. With only 34 floors, it was rather small in comparison, but for Brian it was enough to make him feel queasy and anxious.

As the elevator started to rise, Brian put his arms around Paul's waist holding tightly onto him and closing his eyes. He kept them shut until they stopped and the doors in front of them opened.

When they slid open Brian could see a fancy restaurant, inviting and designed beautifully. Paul bent down and put a kiss on his forehead before he moved into the room. He pulled Brian to a free table, that thankfully was far away from the windows.

Brian still felt uncomfortable, but he slowly started to relax, after taking the seat opposite his boyfriend.

"So, I wanted to apologize, that I got so angry yesterday, love. You see, I just value our time together a lot, and I felt you were threatening that," Paul said, causing Brian to blink.

He had not expected him to bring up yesterday, again. By now, Brian knew he had been at fault for it himself, so Paul's apology confused him. Of course, he didn't like it when Paul was angry, but Paul had his reasons for it. It felt bad to know what Paul had been thinking.

"I didn't mean to do that. You know I love … I love you and I love this! Spending time with you!" It was all he could say.

He had not meant to make Paul feel like their time together was threatened; it was not what he wanted. He wanted to spend as much time together with him as he could, but he just missed sports so much.

"I know, still —" Paul looked down to the table as the waiter came and brought them the menu. He took one of the two books and handed the other to Brian. "— I just don't want you to spend more time away from me than necessary. Can you promise that?" he continued, and reached out across the table to take one of Brian’s hands.

"Of course I promise you," Brian responded; it was the least he could do. 

It was what he had to do. As Paul had said, if he wanted their relationship to work, Brian had to do something as well. If that meant giving up on doing sports again, then it had to be that way.

Paul was smiling widely at his response, seemingly satisfied.

"Then all will be fine. I love you, too, Brian," he said and brought Brian’s hand up to his lips, placing a single kiss there before looking back into his eyes. "So, what do you want to eat?"

The question caused Brian to look at the menu. It wasn't that long. They had a few interesting specialities, but he didn't feel like anything fancy today. As much as he would have loved to test out ostrich meat, he decided against it, because there was something else on the menu that made his mouth water just reading it.

"The potato stew sounds really good, and a glass of water, please," he decided, then read the menu item again. Yes, it was the right choice.

Carefully, he looked back up to Paul to see how he would react to his request. Brian saw that he was still smiling. Paul nodded at Brian’s choice, then looked back into the menu to make one for himself.

As the waiter came, Paul was ordered for both of them. He ordered the potato stew, and asked for a baked chicken dish for himself.

It didn't take that long for the food to arrive. While they waited, Brian told Paul everything about his work day and the problems with the jazz café next door. Paul just listened, trying to comfort him at times by gently squeezing his hand. 

"It will be alright!" Paul kept repeating, trying to reassure him, trying to make Brian feel better. He didn't stop to holding his hand until the waiter arrived with their food.

Just as Brian had expected, the food was delicious. It was a fancy restaurant, probably with one of the best cooks in town. He enjoyed every spoon of his stew, and Paul wasn't complaining either. Paul chuckled a little when he noticed how quick Brian was eating.

"Seems to be good, yeah?" Paul asked, causing Brian to blush and slow down considerably.

"Yeah, it's really, _really_ good," Brian mumbled, a bit ashamed, but then continued to eat.

Soon their plates were empty, and Paul called for the waiter to pay. It was not surprising that he gave him a big tip; Paul had always been generous. When they had first met at the café, he had tipped Brian just as fancily.

Brian smiled lovingly at his boyfriend as he watched him. He truly was a good guy.

It had been a long time since he had felt that much love for his boyfriend, and Brian was still feeling it as they left the restaurant, as they made their way into the night, and when they were entering the tram that would bring them home.

Everything was wonderful as Brian cuddled up to Paul, as they sat down next to each other on the train. He was so happy, and he enjoyed how Paul trailed the index finger of his right hand along his cheeks down to his jawline.

Everything Paul did felt like a tiny explosion of warmth on his skin. Everything, that is, until Brian felt Paul's left hand on his belly. 

There it was again, the thing that was so weird to Brian. Paul was rubbing his belly gently, loving it, when there was nothing to love about it.

"Paul … don't," he said quietly, so nobody else in the tram would hear him.

"What do you mean?" was the response he got, and then he saw Paul staring him down.

It was alright to be touched on the face. That felt good, but he didn't like his belly; he didn't feel comfortable with it. He hated it when Paul touched him there, and here in the tram it was even worse, because everybody could watch them. 

So he leaned in and whispered into Paul's ear, admitting, "I don't like to be touched there. It's embarrassing." He looked shyly away from him, just as Paul narrowed his eyes.

"Don't be silly, Brian. I love you, all of you, every tiny pound. Your little belly is cute. How can I not want to touch it? We had such a nice night. Don't ruin it," he said, and as if to prove a point, only rubbed Brian’s belly more firmly.

The touch made Brian shudder, but the words made his stomach turn. Once again, he found himself complaining about Paul's actions when he shouldn't have. Once again, Paul was right, he was destroying a night that had been so beautiful. He didn't want to be that person.

"I … " he started, then looked up again into Paul's eyes. As he caught the anger in them, he lowered his head. 

He gave in, "Alright," he spoke and closed his eyes. 

Perhaps it would feel less embarrassing, if he couldn't see the other people in the tram. Perhaps it would feel less disgusting, if he just thought about something else.

As Paul kept rubbing his tummy with one hand, while the other started to play with Brian’s hair, the smaller man dreamed himself away. He dreamed about the night he had enjoyed with Paul and the beautiful opera he had seen.

Then, found himself dreaming about Nick. As he was enchanted by the blond guy smiling in front of his inner eye, Brian once again felt guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks go out to my lovely betareader Pocket_Owl again. Thank you for fixing all my language mistakes! You make this story so much better :)
> 
> Here a few pictures of the location the story takes you in this chapter:
> 
> Augustusplatz looking towards the Gewandhaus - https://deacademic.com/pictures/dewiki/65/Augustusplatz_Leipzig_2007.jpg  
> Leipzig Opera from the Outside - https://www.leipziginfo.de/fileadmin/content/adressen/oper/oper-leipzig-03.jpg  
> Leipzig Opera from the Inside - https://www.stuhl-nach-wunsch.de/uploads/pics/leipzig-02.jpg  
> Weisheitszahn - https://www.stadtrundfahrt.com/upload/system/article/eb0088c58ae4f71cd03f202ce9737790.jpg  
> The restaurant they go to - https://www.leipzig.travel/fileadmin/mediamanager/POI_Datenbank/1_Gastronomie/Panorama-Tower-Plate-of-Art_Gastronomie-Restaurant_Panoramatower_leipzig.travel.jpg  
> The inside of the Tram they sat in in the end -https://www.bahnbilder.de/bilder/innenraum-des-wagens-tatra-b4d-nf-1065985.jpg


	4. Bitter Sweets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks go out once again to my betareader Pocket_Owl again, who always teaches me new stuff about the English language!

Brian was surprised. When he had agreed to meet up with Nick, he thought they would hang out somewhere in the city center, but that was not what Nick had in mind.

Nick looked beautiful when they met at the fountain. It was obvious to Brian that he had spent quite some time to prepare for their appointment. The clothes he wore looked well-made and yet, like all the clothes he had worn so far, they didn't restrict his movement. The red color of Nick's hoodie was a nice contrast to his black jogging-pants.

He looked really good, and Brian spent some time examining him from a distance before he approached. When he came closer, Nick smiled so happily that the warmth of that   
expression found its way into Brian's heart.

They didn’t stay long at the fountain. After their first words of greeting, and after Brian had sent a text to Paul, lying that he would need to stay longer at the café to talk to Kevin, Nick asked Brian to come with him. Then, much to his surprise, Nick led him towards a tram-station.

"Where are we going?" Brian asked, but Nick just smirked.

"It's a surprise. You will see!" Nick spoke with enthusiasm; wherever they were going, Nick couldn't wait to show him.

They traveled west towards Lindenau, the same district where Brian lived, then went further west before they left the train. The station where they got off was on the very edge of the Lindenau district.

"Where are we going?" Brian asked again, looking at Nick curiously and tilting his head.

"There!" Nick pointed towards a building farther down the road.

Curiously, Brian examined the place he was pointing at. It was an old abandoned factory, protected by chain-link fencing. He blinked a little in confusion.

"But, isn't it illegal to go in there?" Brian asked, facing Nick again.

He just shrugged and took Brian by the hand. "Who cares?"

Brian did, but as soon as Nick was holding his hand those worries were forgotten. His hand was so warm and soft. He probably wasn’t someone who did much labor with his hands. The sudden touch surprised Brian and woke his curiosity. He wondered about Nick's intentions, what it was that made him reach out so daringly. So he looked down at the hand that had just taken his and was now dragging him along; perhaps it wasn't such a bad idea to follow.

As they approached their destination, Brian examined the place again. The brick building had two floors and was long. He couldn't see how big it was exactly, because trees and bushes were surrounding the building and were hiding it from his eyes. Right in front of the fence was a tree, too. It was a rather small tree, but it was still tall enough that its branches were hanging over the fence. They approached it.

"We have to climb it to get across," Nick explained when he noticed what Brian was looking at.

"I … don't know. That seems pretty dangerous," he protested.

Nick shook his head. "It will be fine. You'll see!"

He was trying to motivate him, but Brian tensed up anyway.

It seemed as if Nick noticed it, because Brian felt that he started to trail his thumb across the back of his hand, probably in an attempt to calm him down. It didn't calm him, but it distracted him.

The gentle gesture was so caring that it made the color rise on Brian's cheek. He blushed because it made him feel so good, but he wasn't really happy about it. It wasn't good that Nick made him feel that way, when he had a boyfriend waiting at home.

As they took the last steps towards the tree, Brian forced himself to think about Paul.

"I'll go first," Nick said, and grabbed for one of the branches.

Brian watched as Nick put his foot against the trunk and began to pull himself up. The tree had grown in a way that made it easy to climb; it didn't take long for Nick to reach the branch that led across the fence. When he did, he turned around and offered Brian his hand.

"Come, I help you!" Nick said and Brian nodded, reaching for the hand.

With Nick's help, the climbing went rather quickly. He pulled him upwards as Brian followed his previous movements. Soon, they were both on the same branch. All they had to do now was to crawl along its length before jumping down again.

Nick was the first to do so, and he was waiting on the ground as Brian jumped off the tree. He grinned a bit as Brian started to stumble after hitting the ground, but then stepped forwards to grab him by the waist for stability.

"Careful, little monkey," Nick said in a warm voice.

Brian knew that Nick meant well by using a pet name, but it seemed odd to his ears; it was so very German. It had been said so lovingly, though, and Nick was holding him.

Brian chuckled and blushed at the same time.

Nick seemed to be confused by that reaction. "What's so funny?" he asked, blinking a few more times than needed.

"Oh, nothing. Just … I'm a monkey?" Brian giggled again, and shook his head lightly in amusement.

"Yeah, you just climbed a tree, didn't you?" Nick responded, obviously still not aware what made his words so funny.

"Yeah, I guess I did. I guess I did." Brian smiled warmly calming down a little. "It just sounds really cute, nothing a native speaker would say."

Now it was Nick's turn to blush. Brian watched him as he sank his head in embarrassment. For a moment he was silent, and Brian started to feel guilty about mentioning it, but then he raised his head again, smiling brightly.

"Well, you are cute, too, so I think a cute nickname fits you well." Nick smirked as his words caused Brian's cheek to become a deeper shade of red. Nick let go of Brian, before walking towards the building. "Welcome to my castle!"

There was a door on the front; it was frail and the lock had rusted. Nick didn't even need to use much force to pull it open, then he stepped inside and Brian followed right behind him.

"Wow!" the tone of Brian's voice was evidence of the sense of wonder he felt as they made their way inside.

He marveled at the urban beauty this place had. It was old and rundown, but nature had found its way inside. The room they had entered was a large factory floor that was covered in the bright sunlight shining through its broken windows. It had once been filled with big machines, now the only pieces of furniture left were a couch and an armchair standing on the other side of the room.

However, what fascinated Brian was how green this place was. Its walls were covered by ivy and, in the corner of the room, shrubs had found their way through cracks.

"It's amazing," Brian said, fascinated by the beauty of the place.

"You should see it in spring, when the flowers are blooming!" Nick answered, and pointed at a patch of grass that was growing near a double door located on the wall to their left.

Brian smiled at that thought, as he walked further into the room towards the furniture.

"That couch isn’t old!" Brian said, as he sat down on it, looking towards Nick.

"It isn’t. The first time I was here was at a rave. I guess even ravers need some place to relax." Nick chuckled and sat down on the armchair.

The idea of Nick being at a techno party made Brian giggle. He had imagined the guy listened to all kinds of music — pop, rock, even metal — but techno had not crossed his mind. He just couldn't imagine Nick wearing neon outfits and you had to wear neon outfits to go to a rave, didn't you?

As his giggle turned into a chuckle, Nick looked at him, confused. "Why are you laughing?"

"Just thinking about you in a neon outfit. Probably with some kind of plush fabric!" Brian chuckled a little more and watched Nick for his reaction.

He seemed to be thoughtful a moment, but then he joined in his laughter.

"Yeah, I guess that would look pretty ridiculous, but no, that's not my style. I never went neon!" he explained, and leaned against the back of his seat.

"So, why are we here?" Brian asked again and looked around. "What is this place even?"

It was confusing; why did Nick feel the need to bring him into an abandoned building? They surely could have talked elsewhere.

"Well, this place used to be a textile factory back in the 60s, and I brought you here because I wanted to share it with you." Nick smiled warmly, then added, "I wanted to help you be a little bit more carefree and I wanted to talk to you without anyone butting in. Mm … I guess I also wanted to impress you a little!"

Nick winked as he said that, and Brian felt the butterflies starting to fill his stomach. He had really thought a lot about their meet-up. He had good intentions, that was clear, and it made Brian happy, but the fact that Nick wanted to impress him also made him nervous.

"But, you know I have a boyfriend!" he said, and couldn't help but to sound slightly disappointed.

"Yeah, I do. Don't worry, I respect that, but I still want to impress you," Nick answered and winked at him. "You know, when I saw you a few days ago I wanted to meet you right away. I would have approached you then, but my friend Howie held me back. He said I should take my time and be romantic," Nick chuckled. "I don't know if I'm really the romantic type, but I tried my best with the note."

Nick leaned forward again as he spoke, making a point of looking into Brian's eyes. He wanted him to see what he was feeling and what he was thinking. When their eyes met, Brian heard himself gasp. He could see all the emotions Nick described: the attraction he had felt and also the disappointment that followed.

"I was so sad when I realized you had a boyfriend," Nick admitted and sighed, "but then I thought that I could still be your friend. I want to be your friend."

At that confession Brian nodded: "I feel the same. I mean, I want to get to know you, Nick."

For a moment he just examined Nick. He was smiling just like Brian was, obviously enjoying the conversation they were having. It felt good. Spending time together right here and right now was refreshing to Brian. It was so different from his normal rut in life. He welcomed it.

"Well, you do have the chance now. What do you want to know?", Nick asked as he relaxed a little bit.

"Oh, I have so many questions. How old are you? Where are you from? What do you do for a living? Do you like sports? And, oh, even more important, did you like the heart cookies?" The words fell out of Brian’s mouth like a waterfall, causing Nick to chuckle.

"I'm 24 years old, born and raised here in Leipzig. I'm an archaeology student and I love sports of all kinds," Nick smiled warmly as he explained, “and your heart cookies were absolutely wonderful, my dear. Oh, that reminds me! Happy Valentine's Day."

Brian chuckled. He had nearly forgotten that it was the 14th of February. After all, his date with Paul had happened the day before, and today all of his thoughts had been about meeting Nick.

Nick, who was an archaeologist, or a student of that subject at least. That explained how he had so much time to seek him out time and time again. It did not, however, explain his soft hands. Then again, perhaps as a student he had not yet been on that many digs.

It fascinated Brian to know what Nick was studying, but it was not a subject he knew much about, so he focused on the one thing he knew quite well.

"I love sports, too. Particularly basketball. Believe it or not, I used to play it all the time back home," Brian spoke with excitement, an excitement that was also shining from his eyes.

Nick laughed. "You're a typical American, then. Basketball, – " He shook his head. " – I love it, too, but it's just not that popular here in Germany. You probably already know that, though. My favorite sport is football! I even play in a team."

It was true. No sport was as popular in Germany as football. When Nick mentioned it, Brian knew he wasn't talking about American football, but about the sport Americans called soccer. It didn't surprise him that Nick loved it. He seemed agile enough to be good at it.

"I wished I could play sports, too." Brian sighed thinking about how he missed working out and playing with others.

"Why don't you?" Nick asked, looking him over.

"My boyfriend doesn't want me to. He thinks it would be wasting the time I have with him." Brian looked to the ground. "So, all I can do is sit at home and grow fatter. Not that he minds." He huffed in frustration and crossed his arms in front of his body.

As he thought about what he had just said, he winced a little. Perhaps he should not have told Nick something that private, but he felt that he wanted to trust him.

"Excuse me that I say that, but your boyfriend sounds weird. to put it mildly," Nick responded and shook his head. "I mean, I don't mind you being chubby and all, but if you hate it as much as I assume you do by your words, then why does he stop you from doing something against it? Does he not want you happy?"

Nick asked a question that hit quite deep, and as Brian heard it, he started to wonder about it. It really was weird how Paul felt about this; it was even a bit mean. On the other hand, Paul only wanted to spend time with him. Was that so bad? Why couldn't he spend time with him and still play sports, though? Wasn't his happiness important?

Brian was confused, and that made him fall silent. He didn't know how to respond to Nick's question, so he didn't.

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to pry," Nick said with some compassion in his voice, "– but, hey! Perhaps we can do sports together sometime. Your boyfriend doesn't need to know. He doesn't know about today either, does he?"

The words were gentle, and Brian raised his head as Nick spoke. Even though he felt a little bad about it, Brian thought Nick's idea was great. If Paul didn't know about it, he wouldn't get angry. They could do that; he nodded.

"That sounds great! We could do that after work sometime," Brian suggested.

As Nick nodded, Brian smiled widely. He couldn't wait; they had just decided to do it and he already wanted to start.

"Hey, Brian!" Nick called out. "Let me show you the other reason I brought you here!"

That made Brian curious. What else could there be?

He didn't have to wait long, because after clearing his throat and standing up, Nick opened his mouth to sing. Brian was taken aback when he heard it. His voice was so clear and beautiful. He was singing a song called 'Independent Lovesong'. Brian knew it, it was a song from the 90s, but it had never sounded so beautiful.

Entranced by Nick’s voice, Brian's mouth fell open. He hadn’t expected that Nick could sing so well that his voice made goosebumps run all across his skin.

He had indeed chosen the right place to show off his talent; the acoustics of this place were wonderful, almost like those of a church. The music filled his body and soul as Nick sang the whole song and it echoed from the walls.

As Nick finished, Brian had to take some time to find his words. He was charmed by Nick; he had been even before he sang, and now he was enchanted.

"That was so beautiful!" Brian finally said.

"I used to sing in school choir," Nick explained, then rubbed the back of his neck.

"You really sound amazing, Nick. You should put that voice to good use!" As Brian said those words, he thought about several options: a band, perhaps a try as a solo artist, but then something else came to his mind.

"You know, if you want to, you could sing at the café. We can't pay you any money, but you could sing for tips, if you'd like."

As Brian suggested that, Nick opened his mouth lightly and raised his chin. For a moment he was silent as if he was thinking, but then he nodded. It seemed like he was interested.

"That sounds great. Where do I sign up?" Nick's words confirmed it.

"My cousin Kev is the boss. We can talk to him about it tomorrow morning, if you have the time!" Brian told him, still smiling.

Nick nodded in response, and allowed himself to drop down next to Brian.

"I hope we become colleagues soon!" Nick said and put his arm around Brian’s shoulder. He truly was excited.

"So, you’re saying we won't be friends anymore?" Brian asked, knowing exactly that it was not what Nick had meant.

"Huh? Of course we'll be friends! Why wouldn't we?" He expected the response he got and the confusion in Nick's voice.

"Yeah, I just meant ‘colleagues’ are less like friends and more like people who just work together," Brian explained with a grin that was meant as a hint to Nick that he was teasing him.

In a way, Brian felt a little mean to poke fun at Nick, but on the other hand, he wanted to joke with him. Somehow he got the feeling that Nick could handle his words, since he hadn’t gotten angry when he had teased him about being a 'monkey' either.

"Oh, c'mon. You know what I mean, Brian," Nick said and turned to face him. "I warn you, if you keep making fun of my English, I will stop talking altogether."

Now he was grinning as he gently pulled Brian into a half hug with the arm that was still around his shoulders. 

Brian playfully gasped at the warning. "Oh. No! You can't do that to me! I'm so curious about all your stories. I bet they are full of _totally_ interesting German things." He grinned and faced Nick mustering up enough courage to softly poke his side.

"Pah!" Nick responded, acting as if he was pouty.

It was obvious though, that he wasn't; his eyes were shining, and after a moment he couldn't hold back on his laughter anymore. Once again, he pulled Brian into a half hug, before he let go of him.

They talked a while longer, about this and that: About Nick's successes in soccer. About Brian's move to Germany, and how the USA and Germany were so completely different. What movies they liked, and many other things. They talked a lot and Brian enjoyed learning a lot about his companion.

As they spoke, they found out how similar they were to one another. They both loved sports, they both loved music, and they liked playing video-games on occasion, but there were also differences. Having grown up in East Germany, Nick was an atheist, whereas Brian firmly believed in God. The German was also way more open about sexual topics.

When he started to talk about first times, Brian blushed. It was embarrassing for him to talk about those kinds of things. Luckily, Nick noted that, and stopped soon after.

Instead, he just sang another song to him, a dirty one that was funny and caused Brian to laugh.

After that, Nick fell silent for a while, just closing his eyes and leaning backwards. Brian watched him as he lay there like that. Nick was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen and had put a spell upon him.

When Nick finally spoke that spell broke. "Your boyfriend is so lucky to have you." 

Paul!

As Brian was reminded of his boyfriend, he gasped. First, because he felt so bewitched by Nick, when he should only be thinking about Paul, and, second, because he had texted his boyfriend that he would only be an hour late. He had written that three hours ago.

"Fuck!" he exclaimed and jumped up from the seat, causing Nick to look confused.

"I'm sorry, Nick, but I have to get home. I told Paul I would be home already," Brian started to panic and looked towards the exit, "He'll be so angry."

Quickly, Brian grabbed for the phone in his pocket. He had to call him. Perhaps everything would be alright if he called him. He found the number, and the phone was dialing it as Brian ran towards the door, leaving Nick sitting dumbfounded on the sofa.

"Hey! At least say good-bye, dude!" he said, not really angry, just mostly confused.

Brian turned to look over his shoulder. "Yeah … uhm … sorry. Bye, Nick! — and thank you for everything." Brian smiled as he spoke.

He listened to the phone as he left. Paul wasn't taking the call, not even his mailbox was activated.

"Shit!" Brian swore, and stepped into the fresh air of the evening.

"Brian, do you even know how to get out of here?" Nick called after him, already following.

No, he did not.

Curious to find out what Nick knew, he turned around to look at him. As he did, he noticed Nick passing him, stepping towards the fence.

"It's simple!" Nick said and pulled on the chain-link. 

Brian blinked as he saw how easily Nick could move it. He moved it far enough that Brian could crawl through it. It made him wonder.

"Why didn't we take this way for getting inside?" he asked.

Nick shrugged. "It's more fun to use the tree."

He held onto the chain-link as Brian crawled through the hole to the outside. Nick didn't say anything more, but he watched Brian as he turned around again.

"Thank you, Nick, really. It was a beautiful day. I can't wait for us to play some sports and I’ll see you tomorrow. Be safe."

He gave his farewell and waved towards Nick. Then, without waiting for the answer he hurried towards the tram station.

Nick kept standing where he was, looking after Brian. His blue eyes were filled with confusion and worry.

-

When Brian had finally made his way back home, he hurried up the stairs towards their apartment door. He had to see Paul, right now; he had to apologize for being late. Hopefully, he wouldn't be too angry. If he said he had been with Kevin the whole time, then things might be alright.

Quickly, he opened the door. Before he could even step inside, he saw Paul waiting on the other side. He had obviously heard him jogging up the stairs and was here to welcome him. Judging by his expression, it wasn’t going to be a warm welcome.

"Look who finally returned home!" Paul spoke, his voice tinted with anger and followed by a growl. "Where were you?"

He was staring Brian down, causing him to tense up. It was scary. Brian could feel the rage emanating from his boyfriend. Paul had been angry before, but this time it was worse. Brian gasped as he looked up into his boyfriend's pale face.

"I was with Kevin. It took a bit longer!" Brian lied, only increasing the guilt he felt, but there was no way he could tell Paul the truth.

However, what he said didn't seem to satisfy his boyfriend. Somehow, it only made him angrier. When Brian slowly stepped inside of the flat and closed the door behind him, Paul narrowed his eyes and closed the remaining gap between them.

As a result, Brian found himself taking a step backwards. Something about the way Paul was acting scared him. Those piercing brown eyes, he had never seen them so cold.

"Liar!" his boyfriend snarled.

Brian was shocked as Paul then grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him towards his chest. Brian lowered his head as he collided with the towering frame of his boyfriend.

"I was at the café. Yeah, Kevin was there, but you were not!" Paul explained while he was still holding firmly onto the wrist of Brian’s right arm.

There was no way he could free himself; Paul was way taller and stronger than him. Instead, Brian tried to make himself as small as possible in an attempt to escape Paul's wrath.

It didn't work.

Brian’s eyes grew wide as Paul raised his other hand in the air. His boyfriend was building up some momentum before he let it fly down towards Brian. As his open hand collided with Brian’s face, the force was strong enough to make him stumble, but Paul still was holding his wrist, keeping him in place.

The sudden violence was a shock. Paul had been rough before, but never like this. It hurt so much both physically and emotionally, and Brian couldn't help but to moan in pain. Paul however wasn't done.

Once again, he raised his hand.

"Stop!" Brian called out, but the hand was already flying.

Before it hit the other cheek, Brian closed his eyes firmly as if it would protect him. It did not. Where the hand hit the skin it felt like burning fire and there had been some force behind it. The strength of the slap made Brian feel dizzy. He could taste iron on his tongue; his lower lip was bleeding quite profusely.

"You fucking liar!" Paul repeated with a growl, his eyes still burning with rage. "Who were you out with? Who did you cheat with? Who was it, Brian?"

Paul was fuming. When did he become so frightening?

As the pain in his face pulsated and fear had him in a stranglehold, Brian started to cry. The tears were running down his cheek by the time Paul dragged him along into the living room. Brian didn't know what was still to come, but thinking about it made his body shiver.

"Please, Paul, stop!" The voice that escaped Brian’s mouth was desperate and begging, but it fell on deaf ears.

Paul just huffed, then gave him a strong shove, finally releasing his wrist. It caused Brian to stumble and fall. His back collided with the table and sharp pain shot through his body. Then he slumped to the ground.

Fear became panic as Brian saw Paul towering above him. Brian had a sense of foreboding that shook his whole body. It pushed him to fold his hands to beg.

"Please no, Paul! I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I will never lie to you again!" His voice was painted with tears and sadness.

For a moment, as Paul was examining him, it seemed like he was listening, but his eyes were still burning with anger.

"See, Brian. I don't understand it. I was waiting for you; I even made a candlelit dinner. It's Valentine's Day, did you know?" Paul looked down at him as he spoke. "Then you don't show up, and I travel into the city to the café to see what is taking you so long. You were not there Brian; where were you?"

The words hit a nerve. He had been bad; he had lied to Paul, made him angry. Despite the pain he felt in his lower back and despite his face burning like hell, he slowly raised from the ground.

"I'm sorry, Paul. I was walking through the city along the Elster River. I … I wanted to do something about my weight and I lost track of time." Brian told yet another lie that made him feel guilty.

Paul wouldn't like the idea of him exercising, but it was better than telling him about Nick. He didn't know what would happen if his boyfriend found out he had been with another guy. He felt it would make him furious. 

Paul huffed, "Again, babe?" He frowned. "I thought we had talked about it. You are fine the way you are." He sighed then stepped closer.

After a moment of hesitation, Paul reached out to him and pulled him into a hug.

"You have to stop that. I don't like it; I told you. Be a little more mindful of me," he said gently, and Brian felt his shivering body calm down. "I love you! You know that, but you shouldn’t make me angry like that all the time," he added.

As Brian heard those words, he knew Paul was speaking the truth. Had he not been with Nick, Paul would never have raged like that, and he would not have been hit.

"I'm sorry," he said in a meek voice, and leaned back to eye his lover.

"It's alright; you are just thinking silly things — " Paul examined him a little. " — and now it has you bleeding. Here, let me take care of that."

His boyfriend got a handkerchief from his jeans pocket and brought it up to his lips to wipe the blood away.

"I'm sorry it went this far, but you made me so angry." Paul moved the piece of cloth along his lip then pulled it back. "You know you shouldn't tell anyone about it; they don't need to know! It's just between you and me."

He was looking deeply into Brian's eyes trying to drive his point home. There was something threatening in that look, and it made it clear to Brian that Paul lashing out was nothing he could talk about, not that he had planned to before. It was his fault; had he not been so silly to spend time with another man, Paul wouldn’t have hit him.

"I won't tell; I promise. I'm … I'm just so sorry, Paul!" he said as new tears started to take shape in his eyes.

Sadness held him as Paul pulled him up against his chest, patting his back to make him feel better.

"It's okay, babe. It's okay. Just don't do it again," he said and slowly released him from the hug. "Now, I think you should go to bed and get some sleep. You need it; you are so confused."

As Paul stepped away from him, Brian nodded. He was still crying when he made his way to their bedroom. The pain was still pulsating in both his cheeks and his lower back, but it was his fault.

After Brian had undressed and climbed into the bed alone, he thought about the day that had passed. The time with Nick had been great, but he regretted it now. He should have been here with Paul, but he left him alone, on Valentine's Day of all days. As he closed his eyes, he swore that he would never betray his boyfriend like this again and hoped the pain he felt would soon pass.


	5. Cold Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to my betareader. Really glad to have your help.
> 
> To my readers: I hope you enjoy my story :)

The night was restless; Brian woke up several times.

The first time he woke up, Paul entered the room, causing him to tense up. After what had happened the evening before, Brian was worried. Paul had seemingly calmed down after lashing out, but Brian's instincts pushed him to be wary. 

Thus he pretended to still be asleep as Paul started to undress. As his lover joined him in the bed, Brian tried to stay calm, but he couldn't stop his heart from beating quickly.

Only as Paul put a gentle arm around him did Brian feel able to relax. It seemed Paul didn't plan to hurt him again.

Soon Brian dropped back to sleep.

The second time he woke up, he found that Paul had pulled him tight against his chest. His boyfriend was asleep, so he probably didn't notice it, but Brian felt much too warm in that hold, warm enough that it stole his sleep. Careful not to wake Paul, he moved the arm that was holding him, and moved a few inches away from him. Only then could he continue sleeping.

The third time he woke, it was morning, but it was not the light of day that woke him up, but the pain that was still emanating from his lower back. It seemed like the pain had increased a lot. It had started pulsating and that made it impossible for Brian to keep laying like he was. 

So he sat up and as he did, he noticed that Paul had already left the bed. He was still in the room, though, and stood at the mirror that decorated the front of their wardrobe. He was dressing himself.

"You're awake!" Paul called out when he saw in the mirror that Brian was sitting.

Brian nodded, eyeing his lover carefully. He wasn't sure how to act with him after what had happened, wasn't sure if Paul was still angry, or if he had truly calmed down from the night before. After Brian came to the conclusion that Paul was acting placid today, he slowly pushed his blanket away, and left the bed. 

Paul was watching all of his movements.

"You can sleep a little bit longer if you want. Sorry if I woke you up!" his boyfriend finished working on his tie then turned towards Brian.

"You didn’t. My … " Brian started speaking, then hesitated for a moment before finishing his sentence, "My back hurts."

It felt strange to talk about it. Bringing it up kind of felt like he was blaming Paul for it, but that wasn't the case. Paul had shoved him, causing him to collide with the table and that had been the cause of the pain. Thinking about it made Brian wince, but he didn't want to give Paul the impression that he was blaming him. 

The only reason he brought it up was because part of him hoped to find some comfort with his boyfriend.

Brian carefully looked up to Paul, trying to observe his reaction. All that he noticed in his eyes was compassion.

"Oh, honey!" Paul said with a sigh, disappointed in himself. "I'm sorry that you got hurt. I truly am!" His voice was so much gentler than the day before.

After speaking, Paul went towards the nightstand. He opened it and produced a package of painkillers: ibuprofen.

"Here! That should help!" he spoke, then handed Brian the pack.

As he did, their eyes met again and Brian could see regret in Paul's expression. Brian gave him a soft and careful smile.

"Thank you," he said, and turned back to the bed to grab the water bottle from the ground next to it.

He sat down on the side of the bed, took the pill, and washed it down quickly. As he did, his lover came closer to him. 

Brian watched as Paul bent down over him. He took his chin between the fingers of his right hand. Then he gently turned Brian's head to the left, before bringing his other hand up to touch his lip. Brian winced as he felt Paul's fingers on the bruised spot.

"This looks pretty bad. It's swollen," Paul said with some concern in his voice. "It probably will heal on it's own, but people will ask questions."

Paul sighed and Brian looked into his eyes. It was obvious that he was worried and Brian knew why, even before he continued.

"You really can't tell anybody what happened, alright?" as he spoke Paul let go of Brian's chin.

"No, I won't. It's not your fault. If I hadn’t lied, it wouldn’t have happened. I'm sorry." Brian looked down onto his lap as the feeling of guilt came back to him.

He felt like a hypocrite. Here he sat, talking about not lying, when he had not even told Paul the truth. For a moment, he wondered if he should just do it now, but then he decided against it. It was better to leave Paul in the dark about Nick. 

"Good," Paul said simply, and brought a hand up to play with Brian's curly hair. Gently, Paul trailed his fingers through its strands, then he sighed. 

"I shouldn't have hurt you, either way. I'm sorry, too," Paul said, "but I was so angry, because you know that we had talked about not being late, and if you are, that you should call. But on Valentine's Day — of all days — you failed me. Again."

Brian watched as Paul shook his head. He seemed to be disappointed, but Brian couldn't tell if that was about him lashing out the night before or about the fact that Brian had provoked it all. Perhaps it was both.

Gently he reached for Paul's hand, taking it into his own.

"It's alright. I'm not angry. It really was my fault. I love you." Brian smiled after speaking.

His boyfriend was still bent over him a little, but he now removed the hand from his hair. Instead, he used it to cup Brian's cheek, then he leaned in deeper to put a kiss onto Brian's temple.

"I love you, too, but just know that it won't happen again," Paul promised, and stood up straight again. "I have to go to work now."

Paul pulled his hand away from Brian, and walked back towards the mirror. He checked himself one last time, then got his suitcase from the wardrobe.

Brian observed his boyfriend heading towards the door, looking all properly dressed. It made him feel proud of him for some reason.

"You look so fine, babe. Have a great day at work, okay?" Brian spoke from where he was sitting on the bed, but then he stood up as well.

"Of course I will. If all goes according to plan, we will finish our database program today. If we do, I'll bring something nice from that Asian restaurant at the main station," Paul said as he stopped at the door to face Brian.

"That sounds great!" Brian exclaimed.

He loved the Asian restaurant down at the main station; they had the best Thai food in town. Brian was looking forward to it.

Paul responded to his enthusiasm with a smile. 

"See you in the evening then, honey," he spoke and waved before stepping through the door.

"Bye, Paul," Brian called after him.

Hopefully, he would have a great time at work. After the stuff Brian had put him through the evening before, he just wished that today would be better for Paul.

When Brian heard the front door close, he sighed. What a mess last night had been.

Now with Paul gone and nothing left to distract himself with, he felt the pain in his back again. He had taken the painkiller, but he knew that it would take a little time for it to work. Still, there was no way he could sit on the bed and wait for the pain to lessen. He had to be at work in ninety minutes as well, so he had no time to loose.

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he stood up and walked towards their bathroom. He had to take a shower before leaving. With each step he took, the pain flared, but he finally reached his destination.

Slowly, he let his boxer-shorts drop before stepping into the shower.

Once inside, he took his time. As soon as the droplets of water started hitting his body, Brian's thoughts drifted off. It was so calming to stand under the warmth of the water and it had the desired effect of making his aching back feel a little better. 

It reminded him of the rain shower a few days ago, when he first met Nick. He had been so damn attractive with his clothes clinging to his body; thinking about it made Brian's body tingle. He had to use some willpower to think about something else. As much as he enjoyed that picture in his head, he felt bad for it.

There Nick was, in front of his inner eye, so very sexy, and the picture surely would have been able to arouse his passion — here, alone, under the shower — but he couldn't allow himself to give in. It wasn’t fair to have those thoughts about Nick when he still had Paul. He couldn't do that to his boyfriend.

Even though he managed to force his thoughts away from lustful pictures, they still were hanging on Nick: the way he had smiled and laughed when they had gone on their adventure yesterday, the way he had called him 'monkey' — so cute!

It was a wonderful experience. Brian couldn't even remember the last time he had been as happy as he had been the day before.

If only it could have lasted.

— But it was wrong. Brian had lost himself in a silly infatuation, like a teenager falling for a first love. It wasn’t right. He had a boyfriend.

Paul was his man, and he should be thinking about him, instead. He was beautiful, too; wasn't he? Then why didn't his thoughts revolve around him? 

Brian felt like he should be ashamed of himself. Paul loved him so much, he always took care of everything. All of the complicated German paperwork, Paul was the one to do it; if something was broken in their flat, Paul repaired it; and every evening, he lovingly cooked for them both. Even yesterday.

It should have been a special day, the 14th of February, Valentine's Day. Paul had prepared everything for a romantic night, and Brian had not been there, and why not?

Because he had been with Nick, the guy that had put a spell upon him, a spell so strong, that even now, Brian had to force himself not to think about his beauty and warmth. He truly was warm, his whole personality, the half hug he had given him and that beautiful, beautiful smile. Brian shook his head as once again his thoughts were captured by Nick.

Brian should have never allowed himself to see him. If he had not been out with Nick yesterday, Paul would have never lashed out.

His body shuddered when he thought about how his boyfriend had hit him. It had been what he deserved for betraying Paul's trust, for lying, but as he thought about it, Brian couldn't stop himself from crying.

What had he gotten himself into?

He just had to never see Nick again. It wasn't good. When he was around, Brian lost all common sense. He couldn't do that to Paul, he couldn't hurt him like that.

As the tears ran down Brian’s cheek, he finished cleaning himself, and when he was done, he stayed under the shower for a while afterwards, sobbing and feeling miserable. 

It hurt to know that he could never see Nick again, but it was what he had to do.

Only once his tears stopped, did Brian finally step back out of the shower and reached for one of the towels on a near-by shelf. All cleaned up, he was ready for the day to come. 

The pain he was feeling from his back started to ease by the time he had dressed himself. 

Brian didn’t really think about what kind of clothes to put on; he just grabbed the first thing he could reach. It didn't matter, since he had to change into work attire once he reached the café, anyhow. His work clothes were in the backpack he always wore. 

Just like Paul had done, he looked at himself in the mirror one last time before leaving.

Paul had been right, his lip really did look bad. It was swollen, but surprisingly it didn't hurt, not unless he touched it. It felt a bit numb, though. If it had been a smaller wound, he could have probably covered it with makeup, but due to its size that was not an option.

As he left for the café, Brian knew that he would need to spend the time in the tram figuring out what to say to the people who asked about it.

Half an hour later, he entered the café. 

As usual, he was the first to arrive. Kevin was living above the café, so technically he was already there, but he usually came down to work later. Some might have considered Brian's earliness a flaw, but he preferred being early to being late. That way, he didn't need to stress and could take his time with all the things that needed to be done before the shop opened.

The first thing he did was to change his clothes.

He truly loved his work attire. They dressed all in black, except for the ruby-colored apron they all wore. The café's logo was printed on the front of it.

Brian thought he looked good in his work clothes — well, as good as someone as chubby as he was could look. 

When he was done dressing, he headed down to the bakery. He turned on the ovens, so they could preheat for the things that had to be baked fresh every day.

While they were heating up, he started to prepare a few Leipziger Lerchen. They weren't an American specialty, but a common pastry from city they worked in. To appease the tourists that came to see Leipzig, they started to sell these small muffin-sized pastries about a year ago. They were made with marzipan and filled with marmalade. 

They had a pretty gruesome history to them. Once, in medieval times, people in Leipzig supposedly loved to eat larks (in German, Lerchen), but since eating small birds like that was forbidden and kind of disgusting by nowaday’s standards, Leipzig's bakers had started to sell these small cakes. The marmalade was supposed to be the blood.

Just as Brian had finished the first batch of Lerchen, the door opened and AJ stepped in.

"Morning, Rok!" he called out and stepped up behind him. "Already working hard so early in the morning, eh?"

Brian’s best friend took a moment to get an idea of what Brian had already done, then he nodded.

"I think I will make a New York cheesecake. Sound good?" Alex asked, and stepped in front of him.

"Yeah, sounds good," Brian said quickly, and looked down at what he was doing. 

He knew it wasn't respectful not to look at AJ as he talked to him, but he wanted to avoid him noticing his lip, wanted to avoid questions.

AJ's gasp made it pretty clear that he wasn’t successful at hiding it.

"Bloody hell!" Alex exclaimed. "What happened to your lip, mate?"

AJ sounded pretty startled, and Brian couldn't blame him. His lip really did look bad.

Slowly, Brian raised his head to face his best friend. He had noticed the lip; so Brian had to explain it, somehow. Hopefully the excuse he had come up with would work.

"It's embarrassing," Brian said shyly, then sighed. "See, I was cleaning dishes and I slipped when I was holding the pan, so I hit myself in the face, and this is the result."

Brian pointed at his lip, while he examined AJ for his reaction. For a moment he felt quite tense, unsure if his friend would believe him.

However as Alex started to laugh, Brian felt relieved.

"You're so clumsy, Brian. Should get you protective clothes for your birthday," Alex said, amused, then reached out to tousle Brian's hair.

As he did, Brian huffed, playfully pouty.

"Go make your cheesecake, Aje!" he said, still acting as if he was angry, while trying to shoo AJ away.

His best friend chuckled once more, but nodded, too. A moment later, he stepped around Brian to start his work.

Brian watched him for a moment, before going back to preparing the Lerchen.

It was good that AJ accepted his excuse. Brian didn't know what else he could have said if he hadn’t. It's not like he could have told him the truth, he wouldn’t have understood. Brian knew that Paul regretted ever hurting him. He had forgiven him, but AJ would have never understood that forgiveness.

When the cakes were ready, Brian put them into the oven.

"I think it's time to open the shop," Brian said, as he looked at the clock above the kitchen door; "I'll do it."

As Brian walked out of the kitchen and towards the front door, he allowed his eyes to travel across the room he was in. With a quick glance, he made sure that everything in the room was properly prepared for the guests that would be arriving soon.

Everything seemed to be in order, so Brian unlocked the door. He started to push it open, slowly, then he stopped, as a shock of blond hair caught his eyes.

It was Nick.

He had forgotten about the fact that he had invited him to come to the café. He had come to talk to Kevin about singing there, but Brian felt himself panicking. Once again, he was reminded of the night before, of everything that had happened because he spent time with Nick, because he had not been able to avoid wanting to be closer to him. Now, here he was, once again, right in front of him. Part of Brian just wanted to slam the door closed again, but that was not an option. Instead, he just stood there as if he was frozen.

Even worse was the fact that Nick looked shocked when he saw him. He had obviously noticed the swollen lip. 

The question he asked was not surprising. "Brian! What happened?"

Before Brian could even answer, Nick had closed the gap between them and took his head between both of his hands. He looked so worried, but he was much too close. What if Paul found out somehow? 

Brian was scared about what could happen, so he pulled away from Nick.

"It's … nothing … I just hit myself with a pan. I … I slipped," Brian repeated the same excuse he had used with AJ, but this time he was stuttering, because he was frightened by the attraction he felt towards Nick, even now.

Nick, who was narrowing his eyes at Brian’s explanation. 

"You're lying," he said, and it felt as if he could look right through the facade Brian had built.

Brian lowered his head a little. He was lying, but he couldn't tell anyone the truth. It was his fault that Paul had hit him but, just like AJ, Nick wouldn't understand it either.

"I'm not. I'm just clumsy sometimes," Brian responded, this time a lot more confident in his words. 

Nick still didn't believe him.

"I'm not stupid. When you ran away yesterday, you were scared about your man getting angry with you." Nick was shouting now. "He hit you didn't he?"

Hearing the facts spoken like that hit Brian hard. For a moment he didn't know how to respond and just looked into Nick's eyes. A reaction that Nick seemed to notice. He huffed and clenched his jaw.

"That … bastard!" 

When Nick insulted Paul, Brian shook his head.

"No, he didn’t do it. Stop it, Nick. Stop!" Brian demanded and reached out to touch Nick on his lower right arm. "Please," he asked in a begging voice.

For a moment Nick didn't react at all, he just kept standing there in anger looking down at him, then Brian noticed him letting go of the tension.

Anger was replaced by sadness and compassion in Nick's blue eyes. It was obvious that he still didn't believe him.

"Brian," he started and shook his head, "how do you expect me to do nothing? Don't be a fool. You have to get away from that man."

Brian sighed. Nick meant well. It was obvious how much he cared for him, but he saw things the wrong way. 

"Paul is a good person, Nick. Everything is alright. Please stop worrying," Brian once again pleaded.

Nick sighed and let his shoulders drop.

"Alright," he said, but didn't seem very happy.

Brian wasn't sure if he really believed him. Nick still seemed to be worried and after a moment he pulled Brian into a tight hug. He nuzzled his head up against Brian's neck.

It felt so good to be close that way, and Brian just wanted to loose himself in getting comforted, but he couldn't; he had to think about Paul. So, despite the warmth Nick gave him, Brian slowly took Nick by his shoulders and pushed him away.

"Nick — " Brian looked into his eyes. "— you’re here to see Kevin, right?"

Despite the change of topic, Nick's worried expression stayed, but he nodded.

"As you offered. I still want to sing for this place," Nick pointed at the café as he spoke.

"He’s probably is in his office right now. Come with me." Brian took Nick by his wrist, and pulled him upstairs.

When they reached Kevin's office, Brian knocked on the door. 

He felt tense; what had seemed like such a great idea yesterday was now bothering him. If Nick started singing at the café, Brian would have to be around him every day. That would mean that he would have to see him, even hear him sing. The attraction he felt to Nick would be so tempting; he wasn't sure what it would make him do.

What if he gave in to that feeling? What if he wouldn't be able to control himself? What if he talked to Nick some more and continued trying to get closer to him?

Even becoming his friend was not an option, now. It was too dangerous. The way he had felt enchanted by Nick, it was as if he had been emotionally cheating on Paul.

He couldn't do that anymore, and yet he had promised Nick that he could sing at the café and he couldn't break his promise, either.

As he heard Kevin's "Come in." from the office, Brian pushed the door open.

"Brian." Kevin said as he stepped into the room. As Nick came in, he pointed at him and asked, "Who's that?" 

"Hi, my name is Nick. I'm a singer and your cousin told me that I could work here, perhaps?" As he spoke, Nick stepped past Brian and offered his hand to Kevin.

As his cousin shook it, Brian pulled backwards. "I’ll leave you guys to it, then. Bye!" 

Before anybody could respond, and before Kevin could say anything about his swollen lip — Brian knew he wanted to! — he hurried out of the room closing the door behind him.

This was _not_ good. Brian had no doubt that Kevin would hire Nick. He was perfect, he could sing, and he would do it for tips only. Whether he liked it or not, Brian had to live with the fact that he would have to share his workplace with Nick now.

Brian hoped it wouldn't end badly; he just had to try to avoid Nick.

As he started to walk back downstairs towards the kitchen, Brian winced in pain. The effect of the painkiller was waning.


	6. Hazelnut Kisses

Slowly, Brian made his way back downstairs. With the pain from his lower back returning, he wanted to be careful to avoid hurting it. While it wasn't as bad yet as it had been that morning, it was still hurting. 

As Brian reentered the kitchen, he took a deep breath. It was an attempt to ease the rising pain, but it only succeeded in giving him a little control over himself, and that was something. It was at least enough to keep himself from looking like a whimpering fool, and that was good, because he didn't want to seem weak now that he had to face AJ again. 

Alex hadn't started working on the New York cheesecake, but he had prepared a bunch of baking sheets that carried all kinds of sweets, so Brian could take them to the front to put them on display. 

None of those cakes and confections had been made today, but Brian knew that AJ had checked them for freshness and quality before putting them onto the sheets. It was normal business. Of course they baked some new sweets every day, but they couldn't just throw away what they made the day prior. That would have been wasteful and irresponsible. It was important that they were responsible with their resources.

Sometimes, when their creations were still edible, but too old to sell, they made small bags for food assistance centers, so they could give them out to the poor. A few times, they even sent freshly made confections there. It was something that made Brian happy, because it felt like the right thing to do. He didn’t want to close his eyes to the people suffering on the streets, that wouldn't be a Christian way to act.

As Brian lifted the first sheet, Alex raised his head and called out to him. “Oh, you're back,” he said, only noticing Brian’s presence now.

Brian just had to smile at that. It was not like he had sneaked in, but it was not the first time AJ had been so caught up in his work that he had shut out the whole world around him. 

The smile faded quickly though, when he once again felt the stinging pain from his back. He squeezed his hands into loose fists to keep himself from showing any signs of suffering.

AJ didn't seem to notice the pain, but Brian saw curiosity in his expression. “Who was the blond guy?”

Alex's question hit Brian like a truck, causing him to widen his eyes.

“You saw us?” he asked in return, unable to hide the surprise in his voice. Did he know?

AJ nodded.

“I heard someone shout, so I wanted to know what was going on. I mean you could have been in some kind of trouble,” his best friend explained, while patting the cookie crust for the cake he was making into the springform pan.

AJ seemed so calm, but Brian felt quite the opposite. Tension rose in all of his bones when he thought about what Alex could have seen or heard. There were so many things he didn't want him to know. Most of all, he hoped that he hadn’t heard Nick accusing Paul of hurting him; if he had, AJ might become suspicious. Then Brian would have needed to explain himself somehow, and that would have been hard, because he couldn't tell the truth.

None of them would understand the truth that his boyfriend wasn't a bad person; he had just made a mistake. He would never do it again; Paul had promised, but Brian’s friends wouldn't believe him.

Brian looked down at the baking sheet in his hands, while he was trying to come up with something to say. AJ beat him to it.

“I saw the way that guy hugged you. Who is he?” AJ asked.

Brian didn't know how to feel about the question. Part of him was relieved that Alex hadn’t heard what they had been talking about, but the rest of him was nervous, because remembering the hug made him blush.

He couldn't help it. That hug had been really intimate, the way Nick had nuzzled up to him. Brian still could feel where their bodies had touched; it had felt so comforting.

“Brian, hey, say something. You're not cheating on Paul, are you?” Alex’s voice was getting a bit louder now that he had to ask again.

The reproachful sound of his voice was enough to snap Brian out of his daydream.

“What? No, Aje,” he said, and shook his head before finishing the sentence, “I'd never cheat on Paul; I love him. I thought you knew that?”

Brian narrowed his eyes and spoke loudly, channeling a little bit of his pain into anger. It hurt to hear AJ speaking that way, but the problem was that he had hit the mark. 

Wasn't what he was doing with Nick cheating? 

They had gotten so close in only a few days, and Brian felt undeniably attracted to him. He had even dreamt about Nick under the shower. He still felt guilt for these emotions; it was emotional cheating.

Brian felt like AJ had seen right through him, and he couldn't allow his best friend to think he was a cheater. Even if he felt enchanted by Nick, Brian was determined to break the spell. He had to be loyal to Paul; his boyfriend didn't deserve to be treated like that. His plan was to stay away from Nick — somehow. 

It wasn’t very Christian to fall to the temptations of lust, either. And it was just lust that he was feeling, wasn't it?

“Nick is … ” Brian started, then hesitated for a moment, unsure how to put it. If things had been different, he would have loved to call him a friend, but he couldn't do that now. “ … just a guy I met a few days ago. He's a great singer and wants to work here in the café,” he finished, while turning his head to look down.

It hurt.

Nick wasn't just some guy. He had made him feel so happy when they went to that abandoned building. The problem was not the happiness, but the adoration Brian felt for him, still felt for him. It was wrong. 

So it hurt to say it, but it was the way it had to be.

“Ah, okay. The café could really use a singer,” AJ said and nodded to Brian's explanations. “I am just a bit surprised. I mean, the way that kid hugged you, you should be careful with him. Make it clear to him that you have a boyfriend!” Alex continued on, in a slightly scolding tone.

As AJ spoke, Brian once again looked down at the baking sheet in his hands.

It wasn’t surprising that AJ worried about him and Paul. Before Brian had met his boyfriend, AJ already knew him. In fact, it had been Alex that invited Paul to come to the café in the first place. Alex had played matchmaker after he had met Paul through his girlfriend. Alex's girl and Paul had been to school together and when they met each other again at a party, AJ found out that Paul was gay and single and thus his plan to set him up with Brian began.

It was almost comically how easy it had been. 

Brian had been so lonely back then, and totally stressed out. He had needed someone like Paul, someone who took some of the burden off of his shoulders, and Paul had needed someone like Brian, someone that was sweet and caring, someone to protect.

Since their relationship had started thanks to AJ, he always was worried about their happiness.

“Don't worry Aje, he knows,” was all Brian said in response.

There were more words that he could have said, but he didn't think they would have helped. He could have told him that he wasn't sure of Nick's intentions, despite having told him about Paul, but that would have only worried AJ, and without a good reason, so he left it at the words he had said. 

He couldn't really gather his thoughts properly, anyhow. The pain was getting worse and standing in the same spot was getting more difficult by the second. 

As the pain flared up again, Brian took another deep breath.

“If you don't mind, I'll go prepare the displays,” Brian said, and without hesitation pushed out through the kitchen door.

There was no way he could have kept standing where he had been any longer. His lower back felt like it housed a burning fire that flowed through his nerves. Had he stayed, he wouldn't have been able to hide his pain. 

AJ would have noticed, and then he would have asked questions, questions he didn't know how to answer. While he had thought about an excuse for his lip, there wasn’t one for his back. The pan story wouldn't work, so in order to prevent any questions and to distract himself, Brian had decided to move, but there was no relief, as he reached the front counter.

Finally out of AJ's sight, Brian hurried to the counter to put the baking sheet down. His eyes fell closed, then he groaned quietly; his suffering was so bad. If only he had taken the painkillers with him, but he hadn’t expected it to get worse. Brian had thought that taking one pill would have been enough to carry him through the day, but he had been wrong.

Now there was nothing he could do about it, and he still had a full day of work ahead of him. He just had to push through it, somehow.

As he opened his eyes again, he tried to focus on his job. Piece by piece, he started to fill the display with confections. The first sheet he had brought out carried different kinds of chocolate. They were finely prepared and filled with different kinds of crème. His favorites were filled with milk crème and hazelnut pieces. They were really tasty, and he sometimes made them at home as well. They were called 'Hazelnut Kisses'.

Brian prepared the display case, carefully to put the kisses in the right light. He took his time with it, especially since the pain was making it hard to concentrate.

He only stopped when he saw the reflection of a person in the glass: a customer. Brian raised his head.

“Good morning, sir. We just opened, but you can make your order with the help of our menu,” he said, trying to sound as cheerful as he could, while he touched the stack of menus on the counter.

The man he was talking to smiled, but shook his head.

He was quite good looking, long hair framing a tanned face. He had Mediterranean features. Brian guessed he was from Spain or at least had some Spanish ancestors.

“No, I'm not here to buy something. I'm looking for Nick. He told me he would be here.” 

It only took these few words for Brian to feel skeptical about the stranger.

“Who are you?” The question left his mouth before he was able to really think about it.

“My name is Howie. So is Nicky here?” he responded with a smile.

Brian frowned. He remembered Nick mentioning Howie; he was his friend, the friend that held him back from speaking to Brian right away. The friend Brian suddenly wondered about. He had called him “Nicky.” How close _was_ he to Nick?

“I'm sorry, but I ...” Brian started to explain, ready to shoo him out of the café to wait outside, but before he could finish the sentence, he heard someone call from the stairs.

“Howie! You made it!” It was Nick, and he sounded truly excited.

Brian could only watch as he hurried down the stairs to hug that “Howie” guy. Hug him. Tightly. Perhaps even lovingly.

Where he had been skeptical about “Howie” before, now Brian felt jealous. Even though he knew he shouldn't feel that way, he couldn't help it. 

Nick should have been hugging _him_. No, no. He shouldn't hug him, but he wasn't supposed to hug anyone else, either. It sucked. There — right in front of him! — that Spanish guy was getting all the loving Brian wanted, but simply couldn't have.

It hurt, a pain that was just as bad as the one coming from his back, if not worse.

Worst of all was the fact that there was nothing he could do about it. How could he tell someone that he wasn't even supposed to feel attracted to that he wasn't allowed to hug somebody else? It wasn't Brian's right to do that.

It was all he wanted to say, but he couldn't. All he could do was to watch with his eyes wide open, watch it like it was a car accident happening right in front of him that he couldn't pull his eyes away from.

“I got the job,” Brian heard Nick say as he squeezed the Spanish guy a bit tighter.

That was trouble. 

So, he would start working at the café and, from now on, he would be there every day. Did that mean Nick's Spanish boyfriend would be there every day, too?

That thought made Brian feel angry. Had Nick just been playing with him, when he had called him “monkey?” When he had said that he was cute, had that been a lie to make fun of him? Was he just a toy in some game all along, when in truth Nick already had a boyfriend?

It was inevitable that his mind traveled to what being with Nick on Valentine's Day had lead to. As he thought about the punishment Paul had given him, just because he in his silly heart had fallen for a guy that already had a boyfriend, it all became too much.

Suddenly, it was as if the ground he was standing on was being pulled away from under him, and the agony coming from his lower back became unbearable. The pain was getting mixed up with the stinging jealousy he felt in his heart. 

He had to get away from there, so with quick steps he hurried back into the kitchen, breathing heavily.

It didn't matter right now if AJ saw the state he was in, he just couldn't be close to Nick. He had to get away.

When the kitchen door closed behind him, he let go of the tears, and allowed himself to drop to the ground.

“Everything alright, Rok?” Even though AJ's question reached Brian's ear, he didn't respond.

Nothing was alright. The emotional pain was bad, but even worse was that the physical agony was pumping up into his head now. Both mixed up in a terrible cocktail of feelings, one he wasn't able to cope with. He bent over and sobbed, as his eyes fell closed. His suffering became mind-numbing, and the world around him got blurry.

“Brian!” He heard AJ's distressed voice next to him, just before he felt his best friend's arms around him.

Alex took him and tried to put him into a more relaxed position. He meant well, but in the process he touched Brian's back, causing him to scream in pain. In shock, AJ let him drop again.

“Brian, what's wrong?” AJ's voice was filled with panic now.

Everything was wrong, but Brian couldn't say that; he couldn't talk about all the confusing thoughts that were clouding his mind, that didn't even make sense to him. Brian couldn't even explain the pain he was feeling. He had promised Paul not to tell anyone how it happened, and he would keep his promise.

At least the wave of intense pain vanished as quickly as it had come. Of course, he still felt agony from his back and from his heart, but it eased up just a little. Enough for him to regain a bit of self-control.

“N-Nothing … Aje. I'm fine,” he said to his best friend, an obvious lie.

Alex looked at him in disbelief and was about to say something, when the kitchen door opened and distracted him.

It was Nick.

“What happened?” Nick asked.

Brian guessed that he had heard him scream from outside of the kitchen.

As Nick knelt down next to him and tried to pull him into a hug, Brian put his hand up in an attempt to push him away. 

“Shouldn't you be with Howie?” he couldn't help but ask, the words dripping with jealousy.

They caused Nick to blink and shake his head, giving up on the hug for the moment.

“No, I'm worried about you. I heard your scream; what happened?” Nick asked, and leaned back again to look at Brian. He examined him for a moment, before he turned to face AJ.

Alex shrugged, and both of them looked back at Brian.

“Don’t say it’s nothing; you're in pain, Rok,” Alex said, stating the obvious.

“Brian! What has he —” Nick started but, Brian knowing he would blame Paul, quickly interrupted him.

“AJ has done nothing,” he said, trying to distract from the fact that Nick had been talking about Paul. “I fell down the stairs, and I guess hurt my back when I did.”

It was the worst kind of excuse, but it was the only excuse he could come up with. AJ seemed to believe him, but Nick furrowed his eyebrows. He was about to say more, but Brian faced him directly, staring at him, and shaking his head. Nick closed his mouth again, but he kept looking at him, full of worry.

“We should call a doctor!” AJ broke the silence and took out his phone.

“No, Aje, please!” Brian immediately protested.

"Call 112!" Nick demanded, ignoring Brian.

For a moment, AJ looked from one to the other as if he was thinking about what he should do.

"You can't seriously be thinking of calling the emergency services, Aje. Please don't make this more dramatic than it has to be." Brian pleaded, but his best friend dialed and put the phone to his ear.

“C'mon, Brian, you can't even move! Someone has to have a look at you and quickly so.” Nick's words were spoken with determination, as if he was trying to push them into Brian’s brain.

Brian just stared at him. He was trying to think about things he could do or say to stop this, but there were none. Nick had spoken the truth. He could barely move without the pain becoming strong enough to cut off his breathing.

He stayed silent and watched Nick as he slowly moved around him. When Nick stopped moving at a spot behind his back, Brian sighed. He knew what Nick wanted to do before it happened, but he didn’t stop him. As Nick slowly pulled his shirt out of his pants and revealed the spot on his lower back, Brian closed his eyes.

A gasp escaping Nick's lips revealed to him that the spot was visibly wounded, and a painful hissing sound coming from AJ's direction confirmed it.

“Fuck, Brian! That's some serious bruising there,” Nick said, the tone of his voice somewhere between anger and sadness. He immediately leaned in to whisper into Brian’s ear, “You can't go back to that guy.”

The words made Brian tense up, and he turned to face Nick. Once again he shook his head, but this time Nick's expression didn't change. He had spoken silently enough that AJ hadn’t heard it, and since his best friend was busy calling the doctors, he had not noticed Nick leaning close either, but what Nick said bothered Brian.

“It was an accident,” Brian responded, using words that could be related to falling on the stairs also.

The words caused Nick to sigh and shake his head in disappointment. 

“I can't really help you, if you don't want to be helped,” he said, as he let Brian's shirt drop again.

Once again Brian felt hurt, this time because of Nick's reaction. But why?

He should have been glad that Nick gave up going after Paul, but that disappointed look he was giving him made Brian feel like someone grabbed his heart and squeezed it. He felt like he had done something bad, when in fact all he had done was to defend his boyfriend.

For a moment, he just kept looking at Nick in silence. Their eyes met, but this time it didn’t make him feel warm. This time, he felt like those eyes were judging him. It was not a good feeling.

Brian didn't know how to deal with it, so he reacted on instinct. He narrowed his eyes in defiance. Nick didn't have the right to be disappointed with him, he knew nothing about him or Paul.

“I don't need your help,” Brian said

He tried to pull away from Nick, but he didn't let him. As soon as Brian started to move, Nick leaned forward and pulled him into a hug.

“It's alright; I know,” he whispered into Brian's ear.

Once again, he had done it; Nick had managed to break down all of Brian's defenses. As those arms closed around him, Brian just couldn't help it, all the tension fell off of his body and any thoughts about the pain he felt seemed unimportant. Being held like that by Nick, all Brian could feel was warmth.

It felt so comforting to lay in Nick’s arms. As he lost himself, Brian allowed his head to drop against Nick's chest. He could hear Nick's heart beating, calm and steady. Slowly he closed his eyes and started to relax.

“An ambulance is on its way. It should be here in five minutes. I’ll go get Kevin!” AJ said too quickly, but even those words weren’t enough to snap Brian out of Nick's spell.

He had lost his self control, the inner strength to push Nick away.

Nick caring for him like this, holding him so close, it was overwhelming and the pain had already weakened him. Brian knew he should still stay away from Nick, but he couldn't. He didn't want to. All he wanted was to stay in his arms. Luckily, it seemed like Nick wasn't planning on letting him go anytime soon.

How he lay in Nick's arms might have looked a little bit suspicious, but Brian was too distracted to see or even care about AJ's reaction. Right now, when he was suffering so much and Nick holding him was the only thing making him feel better, Alex didn't exist for Brian. 

It was a simple, protective hug, and yet it seemed like there was more behind it. Brian didn't know what to think about that.

Only when Kevin entered the room did Nick let go of him. Brian groaned as he did, because the sudden movement caused the fire in his back to flare up again. 

It felt so strange, too. Suddenly no-one was holding him; it was as if he had fallen out of a very warm and comfy bed. Brian had not expected to feel so cold just because Nick's arms were gone, but he did. Reality slowly started to come back to him, and he didn't like it. With it came all of his sorrows, starting with the fact that he once again had fallen under Nick's spell, and ending with him noticing Kevin's shocked expression.

“How are you doing, Bri?” his cousin asked, but kept standing by the door. “AJ told me you’re hurt. He's waiting outside for the ambulance.”

Brian looked up at him and sighed. It seemed like everybody working in the café was worried about him now. He hated it; he didn't want to be a bother to anyone. Still, there was nothing he could do; the pain was still pretty bad, more now that Nick wasn't holding him anymore and there wasn’t any distraction.

“I'm fine, Kev,” he said trying to calm his cousin, who just shook his head.

“You are not fine. Why would you come to work when you’re injured?” Kevin scolded him.

“I didn't think it was that bad, Kev,” he answered, looking down.

It was the truth, but he still felt kind of ashamed. Had he stayed at home, he could have avoided this situation, and nobody would have needed to call an ambulance. It was too much drama, and all because of him. It made Brian feel bad.

“Oh, Brian,” Kevin started, his voice a bit warmer now, “when will you finally start taking care of yourself? I don't want to see you at work again before you feel all better. AJ told me you have some serious bruising. Is that true?”

Brian shrugged at that question. He couldn't really see his back, so he couldn't give a proper answer.

“I don't know.” he said,

“Yeah, it's pretty bad.” Nick responded, as he lifted Brian's shirt again.

As Kevin saw the wound, he shook his head. 

“Bri, you really need to take better care of yourself.” His cousins words were filled with sorrow. “I want you to get better. See the doctor and follow his advice, even if that means you have to take a few days off.”

“But ...” Brian tried to protest.

“No, Brian I'm serious.” Kevin didn't allow him to back talk, making it pretty clear that he had made his choice.

All Brian could do was to sigh and lower his head. He didn't want to stay at home; he loved his job, but Kevin as his boss had the final say, so there was nothing he could do. Paul wouldn't like it.

As his thoughts drifted back to his boyfriend, Brian became worried. The ambulance had been called; he would need to stay at home. Both things meant that Paul would find out that his friends had seen his hurt back, and Brian hoped he wouldn't get angry. After all, he had still kept his promise not to tell anyone how it had happened, but everyone knew he was wounded now. That wasn't exactly what Paul had wanted.

There wasn’t much time to think about it, though, because the kitchen door swung open again. Two men stepped quickly inside and took positions on either side of him.

The medics had arrived.


	7. Eat

Paul was staring at him; it was obvious that he was annoyed.

Brian heard it in Paul's voice when he had called him from the hospital. This was not how his boyfriend had planned his day; helping Brian meant that he had to give up on completing his work on the database program he had been planning to finish that day.

In a way, Brian regretted calling him at all. Perhaps it would have been better if he had just called and asked AJ to take him home, but that wasn’t really an option. Before the doctor had even started with the examination, he gave Brian a pretty strong pain killer. It was strong enough to make him feel dizzy and dazed. After treatment, the doctor said that he should be taken home by car, and AJ didn't have a car. 

Of course, Brian could have called a taxi, but in the end he had decided to ask Paul instead. That was a mistake; he shouldn’t have bothered him with it.

The diagnosis had not been as bad as he had feared. He had a tennis-ball-sized hematoma. The doctor told him that the pain he felt originated in the fact that blood had gathered in the area where his skin was swollen and discolored, pressing into his nerves and muscles.

In order to treat it, the doctor had used a tube to drain the area of blood. Once he had done that, the pain eased up immediately. It was still bleeding, though, and the doctor told Brian that he needed to observe the wound over the next few days.

If it stopped bleeding and remained reduced in size, everything would be alright, but if it swelled up again he had to return to the hospital. To support his recovery, the doctor prescribed him high-dose ibuprofen for the pain and suggested he get some arnica balm from the drug store. He also advised him to stay at home for the next week. 

Seven days.

Seven days that he had to be away from the job he loved so much. Brian didn't like the idea, but it was the time-frame written down on his “incapacity certificate.” Once Kevin saw it — which had to happen in the next two days — there was no way his cousin would allow him to come back to work any earlier.

There was no way out of it, and so Brian had felt kind of mopey even before he called Paul, and when he spoke to his boyfriend and heard the annoyed tone of his voice, Brian felt even worse. 

Since then, his mood had not really improved. 

His boyfriend came to get him fifteen minutes later. Brian was sitting on a bench near the street when Paul drove up in his gray Audi A4. He looked through the window; there was no smile on his face, but he also didn't seem worried. Paul’s eyebrows were furrowed, his eyes narrowed and, as he came to a halt, he stared at Brian. 

A shudder ran through Brian's body as he saw the coldness that lay in Paul's eyes. Brian was worried about climbing into a car with him, when he was in this mood, but he did. He sat down next to Paul and put on his seatbelt in silence, and Paul just stared at him.

“We have to get some stuff from the pharmacy,” Brian said in a meek voice that carried all of the guilt he felt for calling Paul to get him, slurring his words a bit.

Paul just nodded and started to drive, his expression not changing.

They didn't exchange many words on their way home, not even as they got the medication. Brian knew that Paul was holding in all of the things he wanted to say until they got back home. When the door of their flat had fallen closed behind them, Paul once more just stared at Brian, making it obvious that he was annoyed, but taking his time to address it. Unsettled by this, Brian stood close to the door, observing every movement his boyfriend made. 

Before he finally spoke, Paul sighed deeply and narrowed his eyes.

“Why can't you take care of yourself?” he asked, mirroring the words Kevin had spoken.

“I-I'm sorry Paul. I should have taken the ibuprofen with me,” Brian responded, admitting his mistake.

He felt mildly drowsy, but his instincts told him to stay away from Paul, so he kept standing in the corner next to the door, even as Paul started to remove his coat.

“You're always sorry, babe. Perhaps you should start to think for once. You knew I had an important day at work today.” 

His boyfriend's voice was filled with frustration, and after he had put the coat onto the hanger Paul turned towards him. Brian stayed silent as he watched Paul come closer. When he stood right in front of him, Brian made himself as small as he could.

Something about that reaction seemed to have bothered his lover, because Paul huffed and grabbed him by the hand. Brian expected the worst, but was relieved when his boyfriend only brought the hand up to his lips. He lightly kissed it and looked into his eyes. The annoyance was still visible, but Paul's facial features were softer. Paul was searching for something inside of Brian's eyes. Brian wasn't sure if he found it, but he slowly let the hand drop again.

“Go and lay down on the bed, so I can put the balm on your wound!” he ordered, and pointed towards their bedroom.

Even though his expression was softer now, his words were still kind of harsh.

Brian obeyed. He didn't know Paul's current mood, but he didn't want to risk triggering anything, so he made sure not to waste any time. He hurried towards their bedroom and lay down on the bed, just as Paul wanted him to.

For a while, he just lay there. Paul had not yet arrived in the room, but Brian didn't dare move from where he was. His motionless body didn’t betray the turmoil going on in his head. Still dazed from the painkiller, it was even harder to gather his thoughts.

They jumped from one place to the other. One moment they were set on the pain Paul had inflicted upon him, a moment later they showed him Nick and his beautiful smile, the next moment he was confused by that "Howie" guy asking for "Nicky," and, in the end, he felt guilty again for feeling attracted to Nick. 

His thoughts were like flashes; none of them stayed long enough to think them through, but they brought with them feelings and emotions he couldn't quite handle right now because he felt so tired and dizzy.

When Paul finally arrived in the room, Brian looked at him in silence. Paul held the balm in one hand, and the bandages in the other. Brian took a slow, deep breath as Paul sat down on the bed next to him. As his boyfriend bent over the wound and opened the tube of arnica balm, Brian noticed him shaking his head.

"Everyone saw this, didn't they?" Paul asked in a dangerous voice, as if he was about to strike if Brian gave the wrong answer.

What followed was silence. Brian didn't know how to respond. It felt bad to admit they had seen it, every single one of them; AJ, Kevin, and Nick, they all knew he was injured. It had not been what Brian wanted.

Paul almost certainly didn’t like it, either. When Brian had promised not to tell anyone about what happened, that probably included not showing his friends the wound. It was not like Brian could have done anything to prevent it, but that was no excuse. Paul wouldn't understand it, anyway. Brian didn't know what to say, so he stayed silent.

He shouldn't have done that. Paul wasn't satisfied and he made sure Brian knew. With no word spoken to him, Paul had reached out and pressed his fingers deeply into Brian's bruise.

There was a sudden scream. With Brian as dazed as he was, it took a moment for him to realize it was his own. As agony and pain returned and shot through all of his nerves, Brian widened his eyes.

"I asked you a question," Paul said in a tone that was so calm that it was threatening, as he pulled his hand back again.

Brian knew better now than to be silent again.

"Y-yes they did … I'm sorry Paul; I couldn't stop them," he stuttered, shaken both from being scared and from the waning pain.

With his boyfriend acting like this, Brian didn't know how Paul would respond to his words. He told him the truth, but that could still potentially make his boyfriend even angrier. Fear crept up inside of him, and he closed his eyes tightly to be prepared, in case more pain would follow.

It didn't come, though. He did feel Paul's hands, but they were caring now as they spread the arnica balm on the bruise.

"It would have been better had you stayed at home," Paul said while he was working on Brian's back. "I should have known that this would happen."

A sigh escaped Paul's throat and he pulled his hand back. For a moment he just sat there in silence, doing nothing, then he put the balm down onto the bed and started applying the bandage.

"You didn't tell them how you got this, though, did you?" Once again the tone of Paul's voice was threatening.

Brian quickly shook his head.

"Good. You did something right," he said, and Brian could hear Paul's smile in the way he spoke.

If only his voice would always sound like that: gentle, warm, and caring. Brian loved that voice; it promised love. Even if what Paul had said was not exactly the sweetest thing in the world, Brian appreciated it so much right now. It was better than the coldness.

All of a sudden, the mattress started to wobble. How strange. It took a moment for Brian to realize it was only Paul moving after he was done applying the bandage. He crawled over Brian's body, then lay down in front of him. When Paul stopped, his face was right in front of Brian's. He smiled and looked into his eyes.

"You are so doped up, aren't you?" He sounded amused about it, and even laughed. 

An infectious sound. Brian had to chuckle as well. He nodded in response and watched Paul as he brought his hand up to cup his face.

"I love you, Brian," that sweet voice said.

It was followed by a kiss. Gentle and loving, Paul brought their lips together. It was short and sweet, nothing that lasted long, but it was enough to make Brian feel better.

Finally, it felt as if he could breath again. Paul wasn't angry anymore; Brian was safe again. He needed that safety; he wanted to savor it. He wanted to hide behind that side of Paul and never leave it again. 

Longing for protection, Brian leaned forward and nuzzled his head up against Paul's chest. As if they were doing a choreographed dance his boyfriend welcomed his movements with his own, putting his arms around him to hold him close and placing a kiss onto his forehead.

It felt good to be close to Paul and yet Brian was shaken by his feelings; the chaos in his mind was back. The emotions he had felt in the last few days — fear, adoration, perhaps love, guilt most certainly — they all fell upon him. 

Some of them were easy to understand, but those that were connected to the image of Nick's face were so hard to read. Those emotions Brian didn't know where to put them or how to handle them; they became overwhelming. In his dazed mind, he couldn't think clearly. What was he supposed to feel or think?

When it all became too much, his body shuddered and tears found their way down his cheeks. He started to sob, and Paul pulled him tighter into the hug.

"Shh … honey, everything is alright. I'm here," he said trying to calm Brian. "Don't worry. I'm not angry anymore."

Paul placed another gentle kiss on Brian's forehead, then leaned a little backwards to look at him.

"I'm sorry that I was a bit grumpy, but I had to stop working on my project for you. That really annoyed me, but it's alright now." His voice was very soothing. "After all, with you having to stay at home, at least I'll know where you are. That guessing game these last few days really pissed me off."

Paul sounded really delighted, although a bit scolding, when he spoke, and Brian watched him attentively.

"It also means that I can take care of you all day! I just have to call my boss and take some time off." He gently nudged Brian's shoulder causing him to give Paul a weak smile.

"You don't have to," Brian responded, not wanting to keep his boyfriend from finishing his project.

Paul chuckled as he looked at him.

"I want to!" He spoke energetically and smiled brightly.

Brian loved that smile so much. Slowly, he reached out to tug on Paul's shirt to pull him closer again. Paul complied, and trailed his hand caringly across his upper back.

"You should sleep now, though. You seem really tired," Paul said in a calmer voice, as he placed a kiss on the corner of Brian's lip.

It was true, he _was_ tired. Lovingly, Brian nodded and hummed a confirmation. His mind was already getting blurry. Moments later, the world had become dark; Brian was sleeping.

When he woke up the next morning, he came to in a rush. Once he had opened his eyes, Brian felt as if he was falling, despite laying perfectly still. It was a feeling that only lasted for a second, but it was enough to make him feel wide awake.

In a quick motion, he sat up and looked around the room. He was alone, and he felt cold. Paul was nowhere to be seen, and it made Brian feel lonely. Of course, his boyfriend had not been nearly as tired as he had been. There had been no medications running through his body, after all, but Brian would have loved to wake up in his arms, protected and safe.

A sigh escaped his throat. Perhaps Paul's boss had not allowed him to stay at home and he had gone to work. Maybe he just had not wanted to wake up Brian.

With careful movements, he left the bed. 

As he was standing, Brian noticed that he was only wearing boxer-shorts. Strange; he couldn't even remember removing his clothes. It seemed that Paul had done it, while he was asleep. That painkiller must have really knocked him out.

Brian felt slightly cold, but he still decided against putting on his clothes right away. He was thirsty, really thirsty; it felt like he had spent a hot summer day outside without getting a single drop of water. He needed to drink.

Usually they put a water bottle next to their bed before going to sleep, but yesterday they had forgotten about that. To drink, he needed to go to the kitchen.

Happy that the pain he had felt the day before had eased up considerably, Brian walked quickly. The pain was not completely gone, but it had gone down enough that walking didn't make him feel like he was being stabbed repeatedly anymore. Once he would take the ibuprofen his back would feel even better.

"Good morning, Brian!" An excited voice came from the kitchen as Brian pushed open the door.

Paul had not gone to work; he was standing by the stove, making scrambled eggs, and Brian could smell frying bacon as well. 

"Hey," Brian said. He noticed how sleepy his voice sounded despite the fact that he felt wide awake.

Paul chuckled. "Had a good sleep?" he asked, and examined Brian for a while.

There was a cheeky smirk on his face. It was pretty obvious that he was enjoying the fact that Brian had entered the kitchen in just his boxer-shorts, even though he probably would have preferred him stark naked. 

Brian’s impression was confirmed when he whistled at him. 

"Stop it, Paul!" Brian said, half amused.

"What? Can't I appreciate my boyfriend being all sexy?" Paul asked, grinning.

Brian shook his head, but didn't say another word. He just stepped over to where Paul was cooking and leaned up against him. Paul pulled him into a hug.

"Let me finish up making your breakfast, okay? I will have to go to the café afterwards, and take your incapacity certificate to your employer." Paul's voice was gentle and he released him from the hug.

Brian pouted at that, but once the scent of the bacon reached his nose, it reminded him that Paul shouldn't let the meat get burned.

It was sweet. Bacon and eggs weren't usually what Germans ate for breakfast, but Paul had made them just for him. 

Brian smiled and went to the kitchen table. Part of the breakfast had already been prepared. Everything was set on the table: milk, bread, marmalade, Nutella, and different kinds of sausage still in their plastic packaging. It was a great selection of things.

The first thing Brian reached for was the milk. Finally something to quench that terrible thirst he had. Quickly, he filled his cup and started to drink.

"Are you feeling better?" Paul asked, as he put the finished bacon and the scrambled eggs onto a plate.

"A little bit. I'll still take one of the ibuprofens after breakfast," Brian responded and watched as Paul placed the plate down in front of him. "You don't have a plate for yourself," he noticed.

Paul smiled and tousled Brian's hair. Then he shook his head.

"Nah. Like I said, I'll head to the city right away."

"It's a hassle the way you Germans do it. Those certificates are really inconvenient. In the US, I’d just have called Kev to tell him how long I would be gone," Brian said, a little sad about the fact Paul wouldn't eat with him.

"It's the way things have to be, babe, but don't worry; I'll take care of it. You'll see; I'll be back in no time." Paul's words were calming, and he placed a kiss on the top of Brian's head, then he turned to head out the door.

"Enjoy your breakfast. I'll be back in about an hour," his boyfriend added as he stepped outside.

"Until then," Brian gave his good-bye, and turned back to the table.

The bacon looked really good. As he heard the apartment door open and close, Brian started digging into his breakfast. He gave a sound of pleasure as he noticed the food was just as tasty as it had looked. Paul was such a great cook. If he had not been a programmer, he could have earned good money working for a restaurant.

Brian was lucky to have him. 

As he continued eating he allowed his mind to wander off. He wondered what his friends were doing. Kevin was probably hidden behind the stacks of papers that kept getting bigger every day. Brian didn't envy his job. AJ's day probably wasn't any easier. Now that Brian was at home, it fell upon Alex to both bake the confections and serve the customers. 

— and Nick.

Brian couldn't stop himself from smiling as he thought about him. He wondered how his first day of work had been, and how the second day was starting. It made him sad that he had not been able to see how it had gone. Maybe Nick had been nervous, or perhaps the opposite. Nick did more seem like the confident type to him. Hopefully, that Spanish guy had not been all over him. Brian didn't like him.

While his thoughts were still hanging on Nick, Brian took another forkful of scrambled eggs. He was about to eat them when the phone started to ring.

As he usually did when he heard a phone ring, Brian dropped everything he was doing. He put the fork down on the plate, and quickly rose from his seat to hurry towards the phone that was located in the hallway. A few moments later, he was pressing it to his ear.

"Hello?" he asked, curious who would respond.

"Rok!" It was AJ's voice. "How are you doing?"

Brian smiled as he heard him. It felt good to talk to him.

"I'm doing much better, Aje,” he started, delighted, and then continued, pouty, “Gotta be at home for a week though."

"One week?! Brian, how shall I ever survive one full week without your help in the kitchen?" AJ scolded him, but only playfully.

Brian chuckled. "I'm sure you will survive somehow. Kev can help you a little. It would stop him from gathering dust behind his paper castle," he responded, amused.

"I guess so. But, hey, it's good to — " AJ was suddenly interrupted. There were some rustling sounds and Brian heard his best friend say "Hey!" in the distance.

Then there was another voice.

"Hey, monkey." 

They were only two words, but they made Brian blush, made his knees feel weak.

"Nick," he heard himself say in a breathy voice.

"The one and only. How are things?" the beautiful voice asked.

As the melody of words reached Brian's ears, he felt lost again. In that moment he wasn't in the apartment’s hallway anymore, but back in Nick's arms. He could feel how he held him close and he remembered the steady sound of his heartbeat. Just thinking about it made him feel calm.

"Things are better. The pain is nearly gone," he finally responded. 

Brian was aware that Nick had also been asking about Paul, but he didn't want to respond. Nick was silent for a while, then Brian heard him breathe in deeply.

"It's good to hear your voice again. I hope I can see you again, soon," Nick's voice was as calm as it was beautiful.

Brian smiled and nodded, even though Nick wasn't able to see it.

"You will. How was your first day at work?" He really was curious to know.

Nick chuckled on the other end. "Was great. You never told me about AJ! What a crazy guy," Nick said, a little louder.

Brian chuckled when he heard AJ in the background. "Hey, I can hear you!" he said to Nick, who started to laugh. Brian joined him.

"No, it really was a nice day! Well, except for you breaking down on us. But I think I forgive you for that, if you come back soon," Nick said, joking.

"I promise," Brian said confidently, and was about to say more when he once again heard rustling on the other end.

"Hey, Brian, it’s me again." AJ had taken the phone back. "We gotta get back to work now, even that lazy kid you brought along," he said, as Nick laughed in the background. "Come back soon! We love you! Bye, Bri!"

AJ didn't let him respond before he ended the call.

They left him in silence again, alone with his thoughts. The thoughts all circled around Nick.

Even though it made Brian feel guilty again, he welcomed the pictures that entered his mind; they made him so happy. Nick was there in front of his inner eye, smiling, laughing, holding him. It made him feel warm just to think about it. Only when the pictures changed and he saw himself kissing Nick did he force himself to stop thinking about him. He forced his thoughts back to Paul, where they should be.

Hopefully he would be back home soon; Brian hated being alone.

It took him another fifty minutes to return. By the time Paul entered their apartment, Brian had finished eating breakfast. He also had taken his painkiller, taken a shower, and dressed himself. 

"Honey, I'm home!" Brian heard his boyfriend's happy words shortly after he had heard the apartment door. Moments later, Paul joined him in the living room.

"Aw, you are dressed now," Paul said, mockingly disappointed.

Brian chuckled, but was distracted by the two bags his boyfriend was carrying. One was from McDonald’s, the other he knew to be from the café. Food, and Brian still felt full from the breakfast he had eaten.

Brian thought he had an idea what this was about, but he asked, "What's all that, Paul?"

Paul examined him for a moment in silence, then he put the bags down on the living room table. 

"Food," he simply said.

Brian frowned, and moved a little backwards on the couch.

"But I just had breakfast. I'm not even hungry!" Brian protested and looked up at his boyfriend.

Paul just sighed and moved to sit down next to Brian. He didn't seem threatening, but Brian still felt uncomfortable. 

"Do you love me, Brian?" Paul's question surprised him.

His response came quickly. "Of course I do."

Paul however stayed silent for a while now. Looking at him, it seemed to Brian as if he could see the gears moving in his head. Paul's face was directed upwards at the ceiling. He hesitated before he finally spoke.

"Well, if you love me, you will do anything for me, right?" 

Brian frowned, unsure where Paul's questions were leading.

"Probably?" He responded carefully, trying to get Paul to explain himself.

He did. "I want you to gain weight for me, Brian."

There it was. The thing that had stood unspoken between them for so long. Brian had not been blind and stupid; he knew that Paul loved his chub. It was also no news to him that Paul enjoyed watching him eat. Part of him had already guessed what he had just now said, but hearing it made his body shudder.

"Paul," he started, "I don't want to gain weight."

He tried to say it in a way that wouldn't upset Paul. Brian eyed his boyfriend carefully after he had spoken. When he saw that Paul was getting angry, Brian moved away from him a little.

"Why not? Do you even know how sexy you are with your chubby belly? Do you know how much more sexy you will be when you get fatter?" Paul hummed and brought one hand up to gently stroke Brian’s cheek. "You would be so hot to me."

As he spoke, Brian kept his eyes on him. The words he said made him shake his head. How could he respond to that?

Brian had wondered for some time if Paul thought that way, but he had never said it out loud, so Brian had tried to ignore it. Now that it was out in the open, he couldn't ignore it any longer; he had to say something.

"I don't want that, Paul. I want to lose weight, not gain it," he explained as calmly as he could, but somehow it set his boyfriend off.

"Why? Is there somebody else you need to be attractive for?" Paul asked, snarling as his expression changed into anger.

Brian quickly shook his head. This was not good; Paul was starting to get mad. That couldn't happen. He didn't want him to lash out again.

"No, there is nobody, Paul. You’re the only one for me!" Brian felt tense as those words left his mouth. 

"Good! Then you will gain weight for me, right?" 

As Paul asked his question, he looked at him with piercing eyes. They were shooting daggers and Brian didn't know how to defend against them. He had seen and felt what Paul would do if he got angry. 

Even though all of his senses felt disgusted by the idea, even though everything in him screamed “No!” — Brian just nodded.

"Yes, Paul." He lowered his head as he spoke, miserable.

"Good!" Paul repeated, and started opening the bags.

Brian watched as he revealed what he had bought. In the bag from the café, there were two pieces of the New York cheesecake AJ had made the day prior.

"Your friends gave those to me for free. I couldn't say no to that offer," Paul said happily, then proceeded to open the bag from McDonald's, "but I thought if you eat something sweet, you will probably enjoy something savory afterwards."

There were French fries and two sandwiches in the bag, one a chicken sandwich, and one a cheeseburger.

"Let me get the cutlery," Paul said, once he was done unpacking, and then left for the kitchen.

When he was gone, Brian just stared at the amount of food before him. He didn't feel hungry at all, but he knew Paul wouldn't care about that, because it was what Paul wanted: making him eat as much as he possibly could. 

Once again, Brian shuddered.

Eating like this would most certainly make him gain weight. Paul would love it, but Brian hated it. And yet, weren't you supposed to make sacrifices for the person you loved?

He was willing to do it — for love — but as he sat there at the table waiting for Paul to return with the dishes, he couldn't ignore the tiny part of him that doubted that’s what it was.

Was this love? Did Paul really make him happy?

He shook his head; he shouldn't be thinking that way. Of course it was love! Paul was always there for him; he came and got him from the hospital, even though he had a project to finish at work. And he did make him happy; when Paul held him close, when he kissed him, and when he smiled. He shouldn't be doubting their relationship; making sacrifices for love was a normal thing to do. Was it really too much to ask him to gain weight? 

As much as Brian wanted to find an answer to that question, he couldn't. 

Paul returned, bringing a plate and a fork with him, and sat down next to Brian. Paul was lost in his own world, not paying attention to Brian, as he placed the cheesecake pieces on the plate. Once he was done, he lifted the plate slowly.

Brian watched as Paul used the fork to cut off a piece of the cake. He watched as the fork came closer and closer until it touched his lips.

"Eat," Paul said and, after a moment of hesitation, Brian opened his mouth.

Paul started feeding him like that; piece by piece, he fed him the two pieces of cake. About half-way through, Brian started to groan as his stomach started to ache, but Paul didn't stop. The only thing he did was to bring one hand up to his stomach and rub it and squeeze it. 

Brian felt disgusted and sick when the cheesecake was gone. As Paul pressed the chicken sandwich to his lips, Brian shook his head firmly.

Paul examined him for a moment. It was obvious that he did not want him to stop, but Brian felt like he couldn't eat another bite.

"Come, just one bite more, okay?" His boyfriend tried to get him to continue.

As Paul started moving the sandwich in circles under his nose, Brian felt nauseous. It was too much, but it didn't seem like his boyfriend would give up. There was nothing he could do.

"Alright, but just one bite," Brian gave in.

“For love” was what he thought, trying to make this feeding session, or whatever it was, seem alright. 

He opened his mouth slowly and took a bite of the chicken sandwich. Paul watched him attentively as he did. As Brian gulped it down, Paul smiled. 

"You did so well; I'm proud of you!" He truly seemed happy.

Brian felt more than full; he was stuffed beyond belief, and felt miserable. His stomach hurt from all that Paul had made him eat after a breakfast that had not exactly been small, either. 

He groaned in pain and Paul pulled Brian up to straddle his lap and started to rub his tummy. He was entranced by Brian. Paul hummed and pushed his hips upwards; Brian could feel that he had an erection. He gasped in surprise.

At any other point he might have felt enticed, but right now he just felt sick. He was in pain and not in the mood for anything sexual. Paul, however, was, and he kept pushing up into him as he was rubbing his belly. 

At least the rubbing helped to make the pain he was feeling ease up. Brian was mildly weirded out and unsure how he should feel about the fact that Paul was aroused by him right now. He didn't understand what it was about him being stuffed that made Paul feel this way. Yet, despite not being in the mood for sex, it felt good to be desirable, so Brian didn't stop him.

Brian allowed his boyfriend to continue, and watched him attentively as he closed his eyes and started to moan passionately. Paul enjoyed the friction his dry-humping motions made. Eventually, he reached orgasm and moaned loudly. 

Brian just kept looking at him. He didn't know what to feel. Of course it was really sexy to have his boyfriend ejaculate because of him, to have him messing his pants from lust for him, but Brian was so confused by it all. He still felt mostly disgusted by having eaten so much. 

His thoughts were chaotic as well. Gaining weight — the simple idea of it — was nauseating to Brian. He wanted to be slim and athletic and not fat. At the same time, he felt complimented by how much his boyfriend wanted him because of it. Paul had been so caring as he had fed him; Brian hadn't felt that loved and desired by him for a while.

So if eating all that food meant that Paul would love him more, then perhaps it was worth it? 

He still didn't know an answer. 

Paul gently pushed him off his lap and left the room, obviously going to clean himself up. Brian watched him, still confused, still feeling sick from all the food.

Slowly, he lay down on the couch and looked up at the ceiling.

Over the next few days, Brian saw just how serious Paul had been about making him gain weight. He had always made large amounts of food, but it seemed now that he had increased the size of his portions even more. It was so much food, but Paul always made sure that Brian ate until he was totally stuffed. He found delight in it, too. 

A few times Brian had tried to protest, telling Paul that he felt sick, but always his boyfriend had reminded him that it was what someone that truly loved him would do, and Brian did love Paul.

In the end, it also meant that Paul was more caring. Every time he was done with a meal, Paul held him, kissed him, and gently caressed his body. 

"I love you," he whispered in Brian's ear then.

Brian truly felt appreciated and loved.

The days went by and, while Paul made sure Brian ate as much as he could, his injury kept getting better and better. When his birthday came, it didn't even hurt anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks go once again out to my lovely betareader. You helped me so much with this chapter. It is where the story started to get difficult to write because of the topic. So I'm really grateful for your opinion and help.


	8. Birthday Cake

When Brian woke up that day he felt a great, all-encompassing feeling of melancholy, pressing down on his chest like the weight of his over-stuffed stomach, heavy as a boulder. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t typically feel that way on the 20th of February — his birthday. Usually the prospect of celebrating that day with friends and family made him feel excited, but this year, things were different.

There were several issues his mind kept circling around. The most important of them was one question he still couldn't answer: was what Paul felt for him truly love?

Brian despised the feeding sessions. He feared gaining weight, and they made him feel sick, because Paul never stopped until he was absolutely full, but since they had started, his boyfriend had become so kind, and so loving. Brian had hardly ever felt as desired by anybody as he felt by Paul after he had fed him huge amounts of food. When he was laying there in pain from all he had eaten his boyfriend simply couldn't keep his hands off him. Paul adored him like that. 

In those moments, Brian _did_ feel loved, but at the same time he hated it. It was disgusting, and Paul acting like that weirded him out. Yes, Brian was worried about his boyfriend's unwillingness to listen to his wishes, but Paul loved him. Didn't he? 

Brian remembered all the loving memories they had shared. In the year they had been together, Paul had always been there for him. He held him close when he was cold, made jokes when he was sad, and gave him a massage any time he was feeling tense. He had been his light in the darkness for a very long time. There had to be a way to get back to how happy they had been.

He wanted to believe in their relationship, but he had not been able to stop himself from questioning Paul's feelings for him. Did he really love him? He still didn't know the answer.

Another problem was that Nick's face kept popping into his mind. What was it that was happening between him and Nick? Brian wanted to think of it as a silly infatuation, but he simply couldn't stop thinking about him. Wasn't that in itself a sign that Brian was the problem in the relationship he had with Paul? He had to stop himself from dreaming about another man.

Brian sighed. Perhaps things were difficult right now, but he still had hope that he would find a way to fix it. He just couldn't throw away all the beautiful memories.

As Brian finally left the bed he saw another reminder of the things that were wrong in his relationship. There, by the wardrobe, stood the new scale Paul had bought two days ago, able to weigh persons up to 300 kg. It made Brian worried. How heavy did his boyfriend want him to get?

He already felt bad about his body and he was only 30 pounds away from his normal weight. The thought of weighing 300 kilos frightened him. Was that what Paul wanted? Did he want him so fat that every tiny motion caused him to be out of breath? Did he want him unable to move? Was that what Paul wished him to be: immobile? It all seemed so unreal to him, so weird and wrong. Brian didn't want to end up that way, he couldn't, but he didn’t think Paul would understand. 

His boyfriend was so excited about feeding him. Even now, he wasn't in their bedroom, but in the kitchen preparing the huge breakfast with which he would torment Brian, as had become the norm in the last few days.  
He had to talk to him, but it wasn't going to be easy. Paul might become angry, and that never ended well.

For now, Brian drew out the moments before seeing him. He took his time in the shower, allowing the warm droplets of water to wash away some of his worries. He turned his mind to the conversation with Paul and laid out the words he would say once he approached him.

After he was done, he didn't hurry getting dressed either. Carefully, he chose what to wear. Paul would have loved him to put on tight clothes, but Brian didn't want to. He wanted to feel comfortable on his birthday, so he chose a hoodie and a pair of black cargo pants he loved. Both pieces of attire were a bigger size, and they made Brian feel less like a stuffed sausage.

Once he was done dressing, there was no way around it anymore; he had to face Paul. Thinking about it made him nervous, but he had to get through it. In an attempt to gain some confidence, he closed his hands into fists before heading into the kitchen.

“Good morning, darling!” Paul said when Brian pushed open the door.

He had been waiting for him, sitting on the table that held the huge breakfast he had prepared: pancakes, bacon and eggs, pieces of bread with Nutella. If it were up to Paul, he would make him eat all of it, but that was the problem.

“Morning,” Brian mumbled, looking into Paul’s eyes, trying to read his emotions.

Right now he was happy, but Brian worried that it would change once they talked.

“Happy birthday! I made you a birthday breakfast,” Paul called out, standing up from his seat.

Paul was about to approach him, but Brian raised his hand to make him stop.

“Yes, about that, Paul. We have to talk,” Brian started, and took a deep breath. He wanted to say it before his courage left him. “I don't feel happy about gaining weight. I — ”

“You what?” Paul interrupted him, his voice threatening.

His expression changed into a frown. Brian hesitated.

After a moment of silence, he spoke on. “I just don't want to be fat. I don't like this, Paul — you feeding me — it's disgusting.” 

It took all of his courage to say those words, but Brian didn't dare move any closer to his boyfriend once he had spoken them.

“Are you kidding me?” Paul got really loud and stared at him in anger. “Haven't we talked about this already? You said you would do everything for our love! Don't you love me anymore?”

It was the same question Paul had used repeatedly against him now. Brian shook his head energetically.

“No, Paul. I do love you,” he responded loudly, but then became quiet, “I just don't like gaining weight.”

Paul wouldn’t allow Brian to back out of it. “Then you have to grow to like it! Is it too much to ask for you to try to make me happy? Show me that you love me! If you truly do, you will do this for me!” he demanded.

"Paul, I really love you," Brian repeated himself, "but I keep wondering if you love me!"

Paul was taken back by Brian's admission, and looked at him in silence for a moment. When he finally spoke, he was a bit less aggressive.

"Of course I love you, honey. You are my everything. Don't you see it?" he asked, then stopped for a second, before continuing on, "Don't you see all the things I do for you out of love? I even took a few days off from work, just so I could be with you, despite the project I was working on being nearly finished. I stayed home just for you. Is it too much to ask that you do something for me for once?"

That was it; Brian was once again out of arguments. Paul was speaking the truth; every day, he did so much for him. Hearing Paul say it like that, Brian suddenly felt selfish. If he just tried a little harder, things would be so much easier.

All the thoughts he had that morning suddenly seemed silly. “I'm sorry, Paul, you’re right.” 

Brian gave up and walked past him to sit down at the table.

It took a while for Paul to join him. Before he sat down on the chair next to Brian, he paced around the room for a few moments, calming himself after their argument.

“You make things so difficult sometimes,” Paul scolded. 

Brian lowered his head a little, feeling bad about the way he had acted, but Paul used his hand to nudge his chin upwards again and started to feed him. 

Paul wanted Brian to start liking it, but it wasn't easy. He tried so hard, but all he could feel as his boyfriend pushed pieces of pancake into him was disgust. He didn't like to be fed and he couldn't even force himself to like it. How could he not even do this for his boyfriend? He felt so inept. 

When it became too much for him to handle, the mix of emotions caused tears to gather in Brian's eyes. Paul stopped for a moment.

“Aw, don't cry, babe,” Paul said, as he used his free hand to wipe away the tears. “You don't need to be sad. I'm so grateful you are doing this for me, and I love you; I always will. You will become so beautiful; you'll see.”

He leaned in to kiss Brian's cheek, before he brought the next fork up to his lips. “I know it is hard, but you make me really happy doing this. I truly appreciate it. I can't even put into words how much I love you for it.” Paul gave him a smile.

Slowly, Brian nodded. If it made Paul happy, then perhaps it wasn't so bad. He could do it for him, and love. 

For love.

It had become like a mantra that he repeated in his head over and over again, hoping that it would make the feeding feel easier, hoping it would make it feel right. So far, it hadn’t worked. Perhaps he just needed to believe stronger. 

“For love,” Brian said.

Perhaps speaking it would make him believe. Paul smiled and kissed him again, this time on the other cheek, before he continued to feed him.

“You know, I invited Fiona and Rolf to come over later for a birthday party. We'll have some cake with them and then have the rest of the evening by ourselves,” Paul revealed to him.

Fiona and Rolf were Paul's friends from work. Brian didn't know how to feel about them coming to visit. Both of them were nice to him, but he didn’t really like them. Fiona was the kind of person that bad-mouthed everybody that was not in the room. The failures of others were her favorite subject to talk about. Rolf was really odd. The last time Brian had seen him, he had spent hours telling him about how fish mated; he said it was his hobby.

“Oh, great; I can't wait for them to arrive,” Brian lied.

It didn't make sense to anger Paul by being annoyed about his friends. He would get through to it. Somehow.

First, he had to get through his breakfast. Paul was set on getting him stuffed. Brian looked into his eyes as he kept pushing fork after fork past his lips. When Brian started to groan, his boyfriend's eyes started to sparkle with lust — the moment he felt the pain, the moment he felt like he couldn't eat another bite, the moment he couldn't hold back on putting his pain into sound, Paul started to get aroused.

Sick.

He pushed the thought that shot into his mind away as quickly as it came. Was it really so wrong to be desired that way? It couldn't be so terrible if it made Paul happy.

“You did so good, again.” His boyfriend praised him, his voice tainted by arousal.

Right after, Brian felt Paul's hands on his belly. He rubbed and squeezed it, and he hummed in sweet passion doing so. It was so weird to Brian. How could anybody be aroused by this? Still, he didn't stop his boyfriend. At least Paul never demanded that Brian do anything back to him in these moments. The way he was stuffed, he didn't feel like he _could_ do anything. Brian feeling incapable of doing anything was part of what made Paul grow so hard.

Sick.

The thought came back to his mind, but before he could push it away again, he was distracted by Paul standing up. Brian didn't say a word or make a move, he just observed as Paul left the room, silent. Brian knew he was going away to masturbate. 

Brian felt confused, and, once Paul was gone, he looked up at the ceiling once more. What had become of them? Gently, he put one hand on his belly, trying to ease the pain.

Later that day Paul's friends arrived for his birthday. They came together. Fiona was carrying a basket full of hideous blue flowers. They were probably supposed to be trendy, but the color was artificial, and to Brian they mainly looked unhealthy. Still, he smiled and thanked her for the present, putting it down on a close-by table. 

Then Rolf stepped into his line of sight and handed him something soft, wrapped in white paper.

“I caught it myself!” Rolf said proudly, and put a hand on Brian's shoulder to pat it.

It was a fish, of course. Brian felt mildly disgusted; he could feel the slimy texture of it even through the paper, but he still tried to keep up a smile.

“Thanks, I'll freeze it right away!”

He used the chance to get away from them. Taking slow steps, he made his way into the kitchen and put the fish into the freezer as slowly as he could. He left it to Paul to welcome his friends and seat them. He hoped they would start a conversation and he didn't have to be part of it. 

His plan worked. When Brian came back to the living room, Paul and his friends were talking in German about the program they were writing at work. Brian sat down on the armchair and watched them, enjoying his chance to be silent.

It was hard to really follow their conversation. Brian had learned a little bit of German in the years he had been here, but they were talking quite fast and used many words he didn't know. At least Paul seemed to be having fun, and that was all that mattered right now. 

Suddenly, the door bell rang again. Brian looked at his boyfriend trying to see if he knew somebody else that was coming, but the surprise on Paul's face told him that he wasn't expecting anyone else.

“I'll get the door,” Brian said, allowing Paul to continue his conversation.

He hurried to the door, opened it, and pushed the buzzer that allowed whoever waited downstairs to enter the building. When he heard someone's steps, Brian leaned forward a little bit, trying to see who would come up the stairs.

Even before Brian saw AJ, he could hear him. “Ro-ok, happy birthday!” 

Hearing his voice made him feel relieved, somehow. It was like all of his sorrows dropped off his shoulders. When AJ finally came up the last flight of stairs, Brian felt even more excited because he wasn't alone. There, behind him, Brian could make out a familiar shock of blond hair. 

Nick.

Brian’s heart stood still for a moment; he looked at Nick, and AJ was forgotten. 

Nick wore a simple white dress shirt tucked into his jeans. It suited him so well; he was beautiful. Seeing him come up the stairs delighted Brian. 

The moment when he last saw Nick, the way he had held him right before he was taken to the hospital, came flooding back to him. It was as if Brian still could feel those strong arms around him. 

He gave Nick a gentle smile. As Nick answered with one of his own, Brian felt all warm inside. Nick’s presence alone was enough to make him feel calm. All his annoyance about Paul feeding him, and about Fiona and Rolf visiting, vanished.

The thoughts of laying in Nick's arms turned into a longing to feel him even closer. Brian forced himself to look at AJ. He wasn't supposed to think about Nick like that.

Brian noticed that both of them were holding a wrapped present in their hands.

“AJ! Nick!” he called their names in excitement and stepped out of the flat a little more to welcome them.

AJ was the first reach him and he put his gift down to pull Brian into a hug.

“It's sooo good to see you. How’s your back?” he asked, and slowly let him go again.

“Oh, I don't even feel it anymore. It healed quite well,” he responded.

AJ picked up the present again, but before he could give it to him, Nick stepped up to Brian and pulled him into a hug. Different from when AJ hugged him, Brian felt his own heartbeat starting to increase.

“Happy birthday, monkey,” Nick whispered into his ear, and Brian blushed.

The longing returned; he wanted to do more. As his sweet, gentle scent started filling Brian's nose he wanted to bury his face in Nick's shirt, taking in all of his scent, but he held himself back.

It was sweet how 'monkey' seemingly had become Nick's pet name for him. He didn't mind it at all. In fact, the word made him smile and feel happy; the hug, even more so. As Nick pulled away from him again, Brian couldn't help feeling slightly disappointed.

“Come in!” Brian invited them, and led them into the living room.

When they stepped inside, Paul raised his head. He had still been in deep conversation with his friends, but now he stopped talking. For a moment, he looked at the new arrivals in silence and Brian wasn't sure what he was thinking. Then, his boyfriend gave his friends a tired smile.

“More guests, albeit uninvited ones,” he mumbled, just loud enough to be audible.

“Yeah, sorry, Paul, we should have called, but we didn't want to risk Brian answering the phone. We wanted it to be a surprise,” AJ explained.

Paul nodded, and Brian could feel that he wasn’t really excited that AJ and Nick had come to the party. Paul didn't like things to go differently than the way he had planned them, and he hadn't planned for Brian's friends to come to the party. Still, Paul tried to be welcoming, and Brian admired that.

“Well, I made enough cake for all of us. So you might as well sit down, AJ. — and who is the blond guy?” Paul asked, examining Nick.

It didn't seem like Paul remembered the one time he saw Nick talking to Brian, and that was good, because it meant that Paul couldn’t know about Brian's infatuation for Nick either. 

Still, Brian felt nervous about the two of them meeting. Nick didn't think highly of Paul, and Brian saw how he was already staring his boyfriend down. Seeing Nick's open aggression caused Brian to furrow his eyebrows.

“I'm Nick. I sing at the café now,” he said in a carefully neutral voice, “and you must be Paul. Brian told me _a lot_ about you.”

Brian was worried about the way he emphasized that. Quickly, he shot Nick a critical glance, trying to get him to stop antagonizing his boyfriend. 

Paul, on the other hand, turned his head to look at Brian. “Is that so?” his boyfriend asked and watched as Brian nodded, then he turned to face Nick again. “He didn't tell me about you. Anyway, you can have cake, too,” Paul said calmly, and gestured for Nick to have a seat, then stood up to leave for the kitchen.

Brian looked around the room. Their apartment wasn’t very big. It was large enough to house two people, but once they had more than a couple of guests, it became rather tight. Their living room was full.

Brian examined the table that stood in front of their L-shaped couch. Paul had once told Brian that it was a German classic. It had a wooden frame and its top was covered with glazed tiles. The best part of it was that you could lower and raise its height with a crank. You also could pull out the ends to make it longer.

For his birthday, Paul had raised the table and put a table cloth over it. He had taken care decorating it with a beautiful bouquet of red, pink and white roses. The cutlery he had chosen to put onto the table was silver; the dishes porcelain. They only ever used these things for special occasions.

"I'll be right back," Brian said and headed to the kitchen to get a couple more chairs, so everybody would have more room.

First, he brought a chair for AJ and placed it across from the part of the couch where Fiona and Rolf were sitting next to each other. Once Brian had put AJ's chair down, he went and got another chair for Nick, which he put at the end of the table opposite to where Paul was sitting on the short end of the couch. Slowly Brian sat down in the armchair, between AJ and where Paul would be sitting. 

The way that Nick and Paul had talked to each other still was on his mind. He was nervous and hoped that Nick would stop acting confrontational; it couldn't end well.

“Hi, I'm Fiona!” 

Of course she was the first to talk and Brian didn't need to know her very well to see that she wanted to make a good impression on the young men. She held out her hand to Nick and he took it, while Brian turned his face away to secretly roll his eyes.

As the introductions happened, Brian just stayed silent. He'd rather have a conversation with Alex and Nick alone. Then he noticed that they were still holding their presents and wondered what was inside. 

“So, about those gifts … ” Brian said, and looked expectantly at his two friends.

Perhaps he was being a bit impatient, but he couldn't help it. AJ chuckled at his words, but Nick seemed surprised. 

“Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot,” Alex said and held out the package to Brian.

He took it quickly, and was about to open it when he was distracted by Paul coming back with the cake. He wasn’t really excited about it. The large amount of food he had eaten for breakfast still lay heavy in his stomach; he wasn't hungry.

Brian held back a sigh and turned his attention back to AJ’s gift, unwrapping it.

“It's not quite protective gear, but I thought you might like it,” he said, as Brian examined the gift.

It was so sweet; his gift was not expensive, but had so much thought behind it. It was a photo album. 

Brian opened it slowly. The album had pictures of him and AJ, starting from the year they had first met. As he browsed through it, he had to smile; the pictures showed so many good memories throughout the years.

“Thank you, Aje. I love it!” His smile only grew wider when he stood up to hug Alex. Even when they parted from the hug, he still felt happy. It was a great gift.

“Look, Paul,” he said to his boyfriend eagerly, and handed him the album. “Here are photos of me and Alex. Some of them were taken back when we were still in the States.”

Paul seemed curious as he took the book. He smiled warmly as he opened it, and sat back in his spot next to Fiona. Brian had to grin as he noticed Paul holding it in a way that stopped his nosy friend from looking into it. 

“You were always cute, babe,” he said, causing Brian to grin, “but you are even cuter right now.”

Brian knew that Paul was talking about his added weight. Even though Paul would never admit it openly in front of everybody else, that was exactly what his boyfriend thought was cuter about him. Thinking about it dampened Brian's mood a little.

"I have something for you, too!” Nick called out, pulling Brian away from thinking too much about Paul's words.

Brian turned to face Nick and the moment their eyes met, Nick threw the package towards him.

“Fang!” He shouted the German word for “Catch!”

Brian reacted quickly, training taking over. Jumping up from where he was sitting, he grabbed Nick's present, instinct from the time he still had been playing basketball. 

“What is it?” Brian asked, as he started to unwrap the gift.

As the fancy paper was removed Brian was left holding a blank box.

“Open it!” Nick challenged him, and watched Brian as he complied.

Brian's heart filled with joy when he saw what the box contained. He reached into it to pull out a basketball, and with it so many memories of playing with friends in the US. Immediately, he put the ball on his index finger and spun it.

“I love it!” he exclaimed, before he let the ball drop, pulling it to his chest and hugging it.

“It's a promise,” Nick said, causing Brian to look at him curiously.

“A promise?” Brian repeated his words.

Nick nodded and gave him a thumbs-up. He seemed to be delighted about whatever it was he wanted to say.

“Yep, you see, I enrolled you and me to the local basketball team. So, we'll be doing sports together!” Nick explained excitedly, smiling such a bright smile that it nearly illuminated the room 

Brian didn't know how to feel. Of course he loved sports, and he and Nick had talked about doing them together, but now Paul was in the room. Carefully, Brian put the ball down next to his chair and turned his head to face his boyfriend.

It was just as he had expected; Paul’s eyes were narrowed and he was watching them. He didn't like it. Right now he couldn’t say anything, but Brian knew that Paul didn't want him to train with Nick.

“I don't know, Nick,” Brian said, attempting to calm his boyfriend.

“C'mon, you told me you would love to do sports with me.” Nick kept pressing, a stubbornness in his words.

Why did he say that? He was revealing things to the world that Brian would have preferred to keep hidden. Brian had told Nick that Paul didn't like the idea of him playing sports, but he still just said it, anyway.

Brian gave him a look, but whatever was on Nick's mind, Brian couldn't read it. However, he did notice that Nick, for a flash of a second, looked at Paul. Was he _trying_ to upset his boyfriend?

If that was really Nick's plan, then it was working. Brian wasn't looking at Paul anymore, but he could feel how his anger was rising. 

That's why he was surprised when he heard what Paul said, when he spoke. “Yeah, Brian. You should do sports with Nick. I know how much you love being athletic.” 

Paul's words sounded good, but his voice sounded much too calm, as if he was just waiting for Brian to say something wrong. He was good at hiding it from the guests. It was only a nuance in the way he sounded that anybody who didn't know the situation would have missed, but Brian knew Paul and his desires. Brian was nearly certain that what Paul said was the complete opposite of what he thought.

Warily, Brian looked back to Paul trying to see in his expression what he was thinking, but whatever it was, he hid it well. He wasn't smiling, but he didn't look angry either.

Whatever Paul really felt, after what he had said, there was no way out of it. 

“Alright, we can join a team — together,” Brian said to Nick, trying his best to hide that he felt worried about what was going on in Paul's head. 

All Brian wanted was to do right by him, but his reaction confused him; he couldn't really be okay with him and Nick doing sports together. It was against everything he had said to him in the last few days. 

Brian didn’t believe Paul, and yet he felt happy about the opportunity he got to play with Nick.

Carefully, Brian gave Nick a smile, before he looked down to his plate. Paul was starting to serve the cake. It was made from a base of sponge cake that was covered with an iced-coffee whipped cream.

“It's not as good as the cakes Brian makes, but I tried my best,” he explained, as he gave everyone a piece."The biggest piece is for our birthday boy," he added, and put the largest piece of cake down in front of Brian.

Of course he couldn't let the opportunity pass to stuff him, even with his friends around. Brian looked at Paul in silence, but the stare he got was cold. It seemed the talk about doing sports had angered his boyfriend more than he had shown, just as Brian had expected. 

Brian lowered his head, while Paul served cake to the guests.

Fiona was the first to dig in, not even waiting until everybody had their piece. It was rude, but nobody mentioned it, so Brian was silent as well. He waited until Paul sat down again. Only then did he start to eat.

Brian wasn't really hungry, thanks to Paul keeping him fed throughout the day, but he felt he had to eat at least one piece. He didn't want to anger Paul any more than he already had, and not eating anything would have left the guests looking at him strangely. So, he forced himself to eat.

As he brought the fork to his lips, he felt that Paul was watching him, but he tried to ignore it. 

“So, Kev says he’s sorry that he couldn't come, but he has too much paperwork to do,” Alex said, breaking the silence.

Brian chuckled, “As usual,” and shook his head.

He could just imagine Kevin sitting behind his desk. Sometimes he wondered if Kevin would eventually drown under all those papers. It was kinda sad, though, if he thought about it. Normally the work Kevin was doing would have been done by a specialist in the German bureaucracy, but the café didn't make enough money to pay one. Brian sometimes worried about Kevin, wondering if he was able to handle all that stress. Hopefully things would get easier soon. 

AJ nodded, and a look in his eyes confirmed to Brian that he was worried, too. They didn't need to say anything, and Nick didn't need to know either, since he had just started working with them, after all.

When Rolf opened his mouth, Brian knew their chance to talk about it had passed, anyhow. Paul's older friend started to speak about deep sea fish and what made them so special. His boyfriend — for some reason that Brian couldn't grasp — seemed to be interested in it, but nobody else was. They all just continued to eat the cake, everyone else enjoying it much more than Brian did.

They finished eating while Rolf was still telling his story. Brian looked towards Nick. He had to hold back a giggle as he saw him rolling his eyes, obviously just as interested in what Rolf had to say as Brian. It was evident that fish wasn’t the topic of choice for either of them.

Luckily, Brian thought of a way to escape. Slowly, he started to gather up all the tableware they had used, making it into a neat pile. Then he stood up and picked the pile up.

“I'm going to the kitchen to clean the dishes,” he announced.

“Wait, I'll help you.” It was Nick's voice, obviously waiting for the opportunity to flee as well. 

Brian grinned and nodded in acceptance. With quick steps, he walked towards the kitchen, feeling Nick behind him. When they finally reached the room and closed the door behind them, Brian chuckled.

“If I hear one more word about fish, I'm gonna scream,” Nick announced as he stepped up next to Brian at the sink.

“Oh my god! I bet I’m going to dream of the deep sea tonight,” Brian said, still laughing.

Nick joined in the laughter. A moment later he pursed his lips. He was trying to look like a fish and as he released a “Blubb!” sound, Brian laughed even louder. 

“So, wait … I'm a monkey,” Brian said, and looked at Nick with a grin, "and you’re a fish?"

Brian looked Nick over. Aside from his face, he definitely didn't look like a fish. As he recalled, he didn't feel like one, either. He wasn’t slimy at all, and his muscles weren’t soft, either. The only thing soft about Nick was the way he touched him.

"If I'm a fish, then I'm a dolphin," Nick proclaimed and put an arm around Brian, placing a hand on his shoulder.

As Nick gave him a half-hug, pulling him sideways up against his chest, Brian bit his lower lip. He could feel all those muscles he had just thought about. 

Brian had been in a little bit of pain from being stuffed before, but now he could almost forget about it. Paul was forgotten, his feeding sessions were forgotten. All that mattered now was Nick. As he felt himself blushing, Brian shyly started to clean the dishes.

"You're Flipper, then?" Brian asked, distracted by Nick being so close to him. 

The desire he felt to press himself even tighter up against Nick was nearly overwhelming. Brian could just picture himself trailing his fingers along Nick's chest muscles. Brian's heart beat sped up.

Nick chuckled, and Brian noticed his blue eyes examining him. Nick leaned closer to whisper something into Brian's ear.

"It seems like I'm good at flipping your switches, so ja, call me Flipper!" Nick spoke in a voice that was so sultry and seductive that it made Brian’s body tremble.

Since Nick was still holding onto Brian, there was no way that he didn't notice him shuddering. Brian blushed in an ever deeper shade of red and tried to focus on the dishes.

What was he doing here, flirting with another man in the apartment he shared with his boyfriend? It wasn’t what he ought to do, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Nick to leave him alone.

"You’re terrible at joking, you know that?" Brian asked, trying to distract them both from the flirting by making jokes.

Nick chuckled and shook his head, removing his arm from around Brian’s shoulders. For now it seemed like he was allowing him to escape.

"I'm German, what do you expec — " Nick started but suddenly fell silent as he was interrupted.

“You two seem to be having fun,” the voice came from the kitchen door; it was Paul. 

Quickly Brian turned his head to look over his shoulder. His boyfriend stepped into the room and was looking at them now with suspicion.

“Yeah, what's it to you?” Nick responded, still as confrontational as earlier. 

Nick stepped away from Brian and closer to Paul. This was bad. Brian tensed up when he saw the flash of anger in Paul's eyes. Nick had to stop acting like he was; he was lighting up Paul's flame.

“I think you should leave,” Paul said, and pointed at the door behind him now.

“Why? What have I done to offend you so much?” Nick asked with a smirk, challenging Brian's boyfriend.

“Nick!” Brian called out from where he was still standing at the sink, trying to get him to stop, but both men seemed to be ignoring him now.

Brian was scared. Both Paul and Nick were taller than him, and the way they lifted their shoulders made them seem even bigger. Their bodies were tense as they faced off with one another; it looked like they were about to jump at each other at any moment.

Both of them could have been hurt badly if they fought physically. Nick had the broader shoulders, but Paul was a bit taller. Brian didn't want to imagine what would happen if those two started to fight.

They stared at each other with intense hatred. The tension was so thick that Brian could feel it entangling him, cutting off his breathing. He expected this to get violent any second, and, on instinct, he took a few steps backwards.

After seemingly endless moments of silence, Nick smirked and started to leave. As he passed Paul, he made sure to bump his shoulder against him on purpose.

Then, he was gone. Brian felt sad; he didn’t want Nick to leave, but he knew in a way it was his fault. Had he just kept his distance, Paul wouldn't have gotten jealous. 

Nick had left him standing alone with Paul, who was now angry, and looking at him.

“Paul, I — ” Brian started, but his boyfriend didn’t allow him to finish.

“Later!” he ordered in a harsh voice, before he left the kitchen as well.

All of a sudden Brian stood alone, left in his sorrows. The wire that had twirled itself around his heart was squeezing it now; his heart had been beating so fast when Nick was there, and now it felt as if it suddenly stopped, it hurt so badly. 

He should have known that the two of them meeting would end this way. As much as he tried, Brian couldn't suppress the attraction he felt for Nick and Paul had surely noticed. Nick had also felt a calling to become his knight in shining armor, after he had rightly suspected Paul of hurting Brian. If only Brian would have had a little more self-control. It was his fault that Paul had gotten angry, just as much as it was his fault that Nick had challenged Paul. 

Had he been more clear with him, Nick would have stayed away from them, but in his silly infatuation he had sent him the wrong signals. Brian felt it was only his own fault. He had to apologize to both of them, and he had to start with Paul.

It was all that was on his mind for the rest of the party. He kept thinking about it until the last guest had left. Even AJ's confused question about where Nick had gone couldn't pull Brian out of his thoughts. Paul had responded for him and told his best friend that Nick had forgotten an appointment. Of course, it was a lie, but AJ didn't need to know about their altercation.

In the end, even Alex had left them and now they were alone again.

Before Brian had the chance to act, Paul left for their bedroom. He didn't even look at him as he went, but Brian still followed. 

“Paul!” He called out to his boyfriend, as he came to a stop close to their bed. “I'm so sorry,” he said remorsefully, and reached out to touch Paul's shoulder.

Brian kept his hand there until Paul turned around. To Brian's confusion his boyfriend was smiling and reached out to gently take Brian by the shoulders. Everything seemed to be alright, but only for a second.

Once Paul had a grip on Brian he squeezed his shoulders firmly. The smile faded and was replaced by rage. Immediately, Brian wanted to flee.

“Paul! Stop!” He shouted, trying to snap Paul out of it before anything else happened.

But the anger in Paul had been boiling for too long to be extinguished by just words. 

“You want to be pretty, huh?” Paul asked his voice threatening but calm.

He snarled and, before Brian had the chance to react, used all of his strength to hurl Brian up against the mirror on the wardrobe. 

As he collided with it shoulders first, pain immediately shot through his body. The force was strong enough to knock the breath out of his lungs and a high-pitched cracking sound let him know that the mirror had shattered. 

Brian cried out in pain. He had no way to catch his balance and fell on the ground, right on top of the pieces of the mirror. He caught himself with his hands, and he winced as he cut himself on the shards. 

Paul stared at Brian as he knelt on the ground. It was as if he was expecting him to say or do something, but Brian was in too much shock to find any words. Instead, he managed to crawl away from Paul. 

“You don't want to eat and gain weight for me, huh?” another question by Paul, filled with rage.

Before Brian could get very far, his boyfriend built up some momentum with his foot and kicked his stomach.

The pain that followed was mind-numbing. He had eaten so much and was so full, that the kick made him throw up in the same moment the force of the motion threw him onto his side. He quickly tried to lean forward, trying to not drown on his own vomit. He succeeded, but the motion made him feel dizzy.

Brian was groaning in pain and started to cry. Suddenly the question from the morning was back in his mind. No, this wasn't love. This wasn't what somebody that loved you did. In this moment, he felt so frightened and lost. 

He didn't know what Paul would do to him next. His survival instinct kicked in, and as the stench of his own vomit started to fill his nose, Brian tried to roll away despite the pain that was holding his body. 

Paul didn't let him get far. He grabbed him by the shoulders again, and pulled him into a standing position. 

“And you love to laugh and talk with other men, huh?” His voice was quiet now, but no less angry.

Once he had Brian on his feet, Paul's hands moved to his throat. He started to squeeze firmly, then forced Brian up against the bedroom door. Paul stared deep into his eyes. He was so terrifying; Brian's body was shivering as he gasped, trying to catch any air he could, but Paul's hands left him unable to breath. His eyes widened as he felt the pain in his chest. Panicking, he struggled, trying to get Paul away from him.

"You even let him touch you," Paul said, in a voice painted by anger and disgust.

He was so much stronger than Brian. Paul had him in a firm hold, and no matter how much he struggled, Brian couldn't get free. He had started to worry that this would be his end when Paul suddenly just let go of him, grabbed Brian's waist, twirled him around, and shoved him to the ground.

The sudden rush of air back into his lungs caused Brian to cough and gasp while his boyfriend ran out of the room. 

It seemed like that was it, the attack was over, but Brian still felt scared. He didn't know if Paul would come back. Perhaps he had just left to get something with which he could hurt him even more. By now, Brian knew his boyfriend was capable of everything, but he had no strength left to run.

His whole body was shivering, he still felt the pain from being kicked in the stomach and he still felt nauseated from vomiting. As he dragged himself across the ground towards their bed, Brian noticed his hand was bleeding, too. It was just a surface cut, but enough to leave blood spots on the carpet.

It didn't matter now. With the last bit of strength Brian had left he pulled himself onto the bed.

As he lay there on his side, he looked into the emptiness in front of him. Did Paul really love him? In this moment he doubted it, but before he could make up his mind, exhaustion got the upper hand over him, and he drifted into slumber.

Later that night, he woke up when Paul crawled into the bed. Brian immediately felt scared again and tried to get away, but Paul pulled him into a hug, ignoring his whimpers of fear. Brian kept his eyes closed until he noticed there was no further pain coming. His boyfriend had calmed down.

“I'm so sorry, Brian,” Paul whispered and Brian could hear that he was crying. “I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry. I made a mistake. Please, you have to forgive me.” Paul was begging and sobbing.

Brian didn't know what to think. This was not what he had expected. His boyfriend obviously was regretting what he had done and Brian felt sorry for him. He thought again about the way Nick had challenged him; it had been Brian's fault. All of the things Paul had accused him of, they had been true.

When he turned around to face Paul, Brian felt so confused. Paul had to stop hurting him; Brian still felt pain coming from his hand and his stomach. It was true Paul had gone way too far tonight, but he was apologizing. 

Brian watched Paul’s sad face in silence. There were so many words he wanted to say, and some of them contradicted one another, but he couldn't bring himself to speak even one.

For a while, he just watched as his boyfriend cried. He still was repeating the phrase “I'm sorry.” again and again. Brian was too confused, and too hurt, to know what to do in that moment.

Finally, Paul fell asleep, leaving Brian alone again with the thoughts he had a hard time sorting out. Before he could, sleep came back to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the longest Chapter so far and thanks go out again to my Betareader for getting through it. I really appreciate all your help. Without you my story wouldn't be half as good.


	9. Nutella Bread Rolls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks goes out to my lovely Betareader again. If you like the story I would be happy about a few comments. I kinda wonder if anyone still even reads this story and is interested in how it continues.

Another dreamless night ended. Touches light as a feather pulled Brian out of the comfort of darkness into the turmoil of light. Thoughts of the night before immediately started to flood his mind when he felt the pain coming from his hand. 

Brian groaned, a sound that didn’t do justice to all the things he felt. He had wished for the night to bring oblivion, but it had disappointed him. All his sorrows, all his worries, they had just been carried over to another day.

"You are awake." 

The sudden sound of Paul's voice was enough to stir Brian. Quickly, he opened his eyes and pushed himself into a sitting position.

His boyfriend knelt right next to him on the floor. His face was close. Paul’s sheer presence was enough to make his heart beat quickly. It bothered Brian, because it wasn't beating for the excitement of love. No, the tension in his body told another story: Brian was scared of Paul. 

That wasn’t how it should be. Paul was his boyfriend; his presence should make him feel delighted and not worried, but Brian couldn't help it. Once he saw Paul, the images of the previous night started to get clearer in his head. Paul had lashed out and, no matter how much he had apologized afterwards, he had still hurt him.

Brian froze and opened his eyes wider. Paul noticed and lowered his gaze to the ground, hurt. Moments of silence passed until he raised his head again.

"Brian." Paul's voice was gentle as he reached out to touch his cheek. When that caused Brian to lean away from him, he just let his hand drop again. "I'm sorry," he said, in a voice that was nearly a whisper, and full of regret.

Carefully, Brian examined him. Paul was a picture of misery, and seemed a lot less threatening than the night before. Suddenly, he seemed pitiful, and it caused Brian's fear to change. Should he trust Paul again?

"Please, Brian, I'm so sorry for what happened. I regret it so much. Let me make it right again, please!" he begged, his voice becoming high pitched.

Brian still wasn't sure what to do; he tried to find the answer by looking into Paul's eyes. They had been so scary yesterday — cold and menacing — but now they were full of sadness and regret. It seemed he truly _was_ sorry, but Brian wondered if that was enough. 

The previous night left him scarred, in more than just in the physical sense. Brian was numb. It was as if there were so many emotions he should be feeling, but he had buried them deep inside of him.   
Paul had done that to him — and yet, he was still his boyfriend.

Brian's eyes rested a while longer on the man that once had been everything to him. Despite what he had done, it was so hard to forget all of the good times they had. 

Of course, hitting Brian had been a terrible thing to do, but everybody made mistakes right? Paul didn't seem threatening now. It seemed like he wanted to make things right. Maybe Brian should give him a chance.

As some of the tension visibly fell off of Brian's body, his boyfriend's expression became softer and he smiled.

"Thank you," Paul said and reached for Brian’s hand.

Paul had been up for a while. He was fully dressed in casual clothes, and he was holding a wash cloth. He had been wanting to clean the wound on Brian’s hand, but Brian had woken up before he started. Now that he was awake, Paul finally brought the warm, damp cloth up to his hand. 

As it touched him, Brian felt a little pain from the still fresh wound. There was a scab on it already, but the surrounding area felt raw and burned with the touch. Brian doubted it would get infected, but it still hurt. 

“It can't go on like this, Paul,” Brian said, his words thoughtful. 

Paul had just put the wash cloth down and was about to apply a band-aid, but he stopped.

“I know,” he responded in a solemn voice, before he continued.

Once the band-aid was applied, Paul stretched up from where he was kneeling and pulled Brian into a hug. For a while, he held him like that, putting his chin on Brian's shoulder.

Quietly, he spoke into his ear. “I know, babe. I also know that I was wrong to hurt you, but I so dearly want to make up for it. Please, just give me a chance.”

Paul leaned backwards, and Brian looked at him, trying to find out what was going on in his head. Who he saw now — Paul's expression, those eyes, the way he took care of him — was the man Brian had fallen in love with. 

Still, he felt so unsure. Yesterday, that same man had become a monster, and not for the first time, either. What gave Brian the guarantee that he wouldn't hurt him again?

In his uncertainty, Brian felt no emotion when he looked at his lover: no love, but no hate, either. Brian didn't want it to be that way.

“You have to promise me that it won’t happen, anymore. Promise me that you will never hurt me again,” Brian demanded, looking deep into Paul's eyes.

What he saw there made Paul's feelings clear to Brian. There was no doubt that Paul felt regret; he really was sorry, but there was more. It was surprising, but there, below his regrets, Brian could see something like pain. He saw it the moment his boyfriend grimaced — just for a second, but there was no doubt that it was there.

“I do. I promise you, I will never lay a hand on you again! I could never forgive myself if I did. I love you!” Paul declared, looking up at Brian with some fierceness in his expression, pulling him into another hug

Brian believed him.

“Alright, I will forgive you,” Brian responded, the moment they parted from the hug.

Paul smiled. It was obvious how relieved he felt. He was about to pull Brian into another hug, but stopped when Brian left the bed. 

Even though Brian had told Paul that he he would forgive him, he still felt edgy. It wasn't as bad as it had been moments before, but the shock about what happened was still sitting deep in his bones. Forgiving, in this case, wasn't something that could happen from one moment to the next; it would take some time.

The state of the room still reminded him of the prior night, and that didn't make it any easier. Paul had taken care of the wound on his hand, but the room was still a mess; there was blood and vomit on the carpet, and there were still glass shards spread all over the floor. 

Brian's body trembled as he saw it. As numb as he had felt before, sadness now washed over him. It was as if the flood gates had been broken. He couldn't stop it, but at least the deep sadness that rose up inside of him stopped him from feeling so numb and empty. 

It immediately clouded his mind. Brian felt sad about what Paul had done, that it was his own fault, and the fact that he didn't properly love Paul the way he should. What kind of boyfriend was he?

Paul noticed what Brian was looking at. “I'll clean it up, my love. Don't worry,” he said, as he stood up from where he was kneeling. “Babe, I'll make it all right again; you will see.”

Brian admired the confidence in his voice and, as he turned his head to face Paul, Brian caught him smiling. 

It wouldn't have been right not to give Paul a chance. Paul was being so kind now, and all Brian could think about were the mistakes he had made.

The sadness in his heart grew. Why had things turned out this way? Not so long ago, they had been so happy, and suddenly it was as if everything was shattered, like the broken mirror on their wardrobe. 

It wasn’t all Paul's fault. Brian had been the one that had stupidly started to have a crush on a stranger. Had it not been for that, none of the violence would have happened. On the day that Paul first hit him, he shouldn't have been away with Nick so long, and he shouldn't have allowed Nick to act the way he did on his birthday. If he hadn’t, things would have been fine.

It wasn't right that Paul hit him, but Brian felt that he had provoked it. Seeing Paul now, it was obvious how sorry he was about lashing out. In the end, he was still a good man.

Yet, everything felt so weird between Paul and him. He didn't know what was right or wrong anymore. 

Brian shuddered and stepped towards Paul, as the confusion in his head became too much to bear. As the tears started to run, all he knew was that at this moment he needed comfort. So, in a quick motion, he threw himself against Paul's chest.

After a moment of hesitation, Paul protectively put his arms around him.

“Shh,” Paul said in a soothing voice, while he held him tightly, “It's okay, now. It's all okay.”

He brought a hand up and started to smooth Brian's hair. Slowly and carefully, Paul allowed his fingers to dance through Brian's curly locks. Brian could feel that Paul was trying to calm him down, but his body still trembled. As Paul caressed him gently, Brian became calmer and calmer. Eventually, Brian rested still in Paul's arms.

“I love you,” Paul whispered to him then and placed a kiss on the top of his head. 

Brian responded, “I love you, too,” and tilted his head upwards.

He said those three words, but he felt uncertain. Still, he wanted to hold onto them; they were an expression of hope. He didn't want to give up on a relationship of nearly two years. All he wanted was to have hope that things could soon go back to how they were supposed to be.

Once his eyes met those of his lover, Brian reached up for a kiss; he wanted to know how it would feel. Gently, he put his lips on Paul's, noticing immediately that they were just as dry as his own. He continued searching for the love he was longing for in this most intimate action. He opened his lips a little, allowing Paul to explore the cave of his mouth with his tongue.

There it was, the love he had been looking for. Suddenly, he felt it so clearly. Paul loved and adored him. Brian could read it in the way he kissed him; it was so intense.

Things got passionate quickly, as Paul trailed his hands down along Brian's sides to his waist, and pulled Brian closer, while he was still hungrily kissing him. A hum escaped Brian's throat as — despite everything — he felt heat rising inside of him. He was about to loose himself in that fire, when Paul pulled away from him. 

Confused, Brian observed his boyfriend as he took a step backwards.

“We have to stop,” Paul explained. “If we continue now, it wouldn't be right. You're so vulnerable right now, babe, and I don't want to use you. Besides, I want to clean this room before we do anything else in here.”

It was a chivalrous move on Paul's side. He was right. Brian’s mind was still chaotic; he had not forgotten about what happened the night before. Giving himself to sexual pleasure would be just another way to escape and postpone facing the pain.

“Thanks. I’ll go take a shower,” Brian finally said, his sadness returned.

Paul just nodded. As Brian made his way to the bathroom, he saw Paul starting to gather up the mirror's shards. 

Once inside, Brian sighed, and slowly closed the door behind him.

For a moment, he stood, leaning his back against the door. He felt relieved to finally be alone. It shocked him to realize that, despite their kiss, despite the words they had said to one another, he still felt nervous around Paul.

Why did it feel so difficult? Brian really wanted to give Paul another chance; he hoped their relationship would go back to normal, soon. Perhaps, everything that he was feeling was because their altercation hadn’t happened very long ago; maybe they just needed time.

Maybe the shower would help to clear his head.

Slow steps took Brian forward, and, once he stood in front of the bathroom's mirror, he started to remove his clothes. First his pants, and then his boxer shorts, which he folded neatly and put on the nearby counter-top next to the wash basin. Next was his hoodie, but before he even started to pull it over his head, Brian noticed something on his neck.

Carefully, he brought his hand up to it. All around his neck, Brian noticed bruising was starting to appear. It wasn't very visibly yet, but he knew it would grow darker. Brian trailed his index finger along the lines of these spots. They had the shape of hands.

“Shit,” Brian cursed, and let his hand drop again.

This was going to be a problem. If any of his friends saw this, no excuse would help; the hand-prints were so obvious. They would ask questions, and Brian wouldn't have any way to defend Paul from accusations of abuse. That, in turn, would lead to more judgments about Paul, but Brian didn’t want that. Paul was a good man. He had apologized; he had sworn to never do it again. Everyone made mistakes, right?

Pictures of how those bruises came to be suddenly appeared in front of his inner eye; the way Paul had throttled him vividly played inside of his head.

_“And you love to laugh and talk with other men, huh?”_

He heard Paul's voice in his head. It repeated the phrase he had spoken when he throttled him. It sounded like an echo, but felt like a shout that was able to cut his breath. 

Brian was back in that moment, now; Paul's hands were on his throat, his dark and menacing eyes were staring deep into his soul. No, that wasn't Paul. This man was someone else. Somebody he didn't know, a monster without a heart.

As he felt himself panicking, Brian firmly grabbed the counter-top in front of him. The flashback was just a bad memory and, yet, it felt so true and real. It felt as if everything was repeating, just as if Paul really stood right in front of him, but he knew rationally it couldn’t be true.

He wasn't exactly sure if it was the right thing to do, but he attempted to pull himself back to reality. He needed to pull out of this. Determined, he closed his eyes and tried to pay attention to his breathing. It was fast and agitated now, but he forced himself to slow it down. 

“Slow, deep breaths.” It was a phrase he had heard somewhere before, and he kept repeating it to himself. “Slow, deep breaths.” 

After a while, it started to work. Focusing on his breathing helped Brian to regain his self-control. As his breathing calmed down, the pictures of Paul hurting him vanished, too.

When he felt calm enough, Brian opened his eyes again. Once more, he was facing himself in the mirror. Once more, he noticed the bruises. Brian would need to cover them when he went back to work; Paul would be angry if anyone saw them. 

Finally, he pulled the hoodie off of his body and folded it just as neatly as he had done with his pants and boxer shorts. He placed the folded hoodie on top of his pants then turned around and stepped into the shower.

Cold water was just what he needed and, as the water droplets hit his body, he shivered. He couldn't take the cold water for long, but it was enough to clear his head a little. He needed that.

As the water grew warmer, he closed his eyes, relishing the moment. The water felt like a warm blanket, and Brian let out a relaxed sigh. It reminded him of the one good memory he had of the day before: Nick holding him close. Brian felt the warmth of his body, as he recalled the strong arm that Nick had put around his shoulder.

In his mind, he let his eyes travel across Nick's body, along every curve of every muscle, all the way up to his neck. Brian gasped as he pictured himself putting kisses there — sweet longing kisses. For a moment, he opened his lips, imagining how Nick would taste. Sweet, maybe, just like his caring nature, or perhaps spicy and manly. What did manly taste like?

He knew he shouldn't be thinking about Nick; he felt guilty for lusting after a man that wasn't his boyfriend, but these thoughts were better than the alternative. Everything else he could think about in this moment was connected to the pain Paul had inflicted upon him. It was so difficult to face his issues, so he fled into the realm of pleasure, and that was reigned by Nick.

What did it matter what he did in his fantasies? Paul didn't need to know about them. As long as he stayed faithful to him in reality, what did daydreams matter?

Immediately, Brian didn't feel guilty anymore.

Brian wondered how Nick would react if he kissed him. Would he be shocked, or would he welcome the kiss, and respond with kisses of his own? 

He didn't know the answer. It sure seemed that Nick liked him a lot, but at the same time, there was the problem named Howie, who could be Nick's boyfriend. As the picture of that Spanish guy popped up in his mind, Brian squeezed the sponge in his hand firmly and frowned.

He pushed those thoughts away and focused back on the picture of Nick. He was probably a great kisser. Those strawberry red lips of his just seemed so inviting. They were full, too, as if they were just waiting for someone to suck on them.

Brian took another deep breath as he pictured himself doing just that. Nick put his arms around him, pulling him close. Their bodies touched and Nick felt Brian's erection. As he pictured that, a soft hum escaped Brian's throat. 

Getting aroused by images of Nick was emotionally cheating on Paul, but it didn't matter now. All that mattered now was the sweet escape from sorrow those pictures promised.

Slowly, but with determination, he laid his right hand on his penis and started to rub it. He started from the very bottom and worked his way up to the tip, lightly squeezing his member.

In his daydream, he was back with Nick. Their bodies still were rubbing against each other, but Nick put a hand down to his pants. He felt Brian's erection, and pushed down his jeans and boxers. Now, in his dreams, it was Nick that was touching his cock.

Every movement that Brian made with his hand, he imagined Nick doing the same. His breathing increased, as the lust made his heart beat faster. If Paul had not been in the next room, Brian would have moaned loudly, but he was careful not to make too much sound.

The pictures of Nick rubbing his penis were so intoxicating; he swore he could feel Nick's long and warm fingers as they started to rub him faster and squeeze him firmer. It didn't take long before the amount of pleasure he felt became too much to take.

As Brian reached his orgasm, he pressed his lips closed as firmly as he could, to prevent himself from loudly calling out. He felt dizzy as he came, and his semen squirted against the glass of the shower. It left him gasping for breath, exhausted from pleasure. It took a while until he fully calmed down again, but even then he was still hanging onto the dream.

“Nick.” He whispered his name with longing.

In nearly the same moment that his name left Brian's lips, the guilt he felt about his attraction to Nick returned in full force. It wasn't right; he should have thought about Paul instead. Worst of all was the fact that he had made excuses for himself — excuses that were supposed to make wishing Nick was there with him alright.

It wasn't alright; Paul was his boyfriend. Nobody else should be the object of his desires, not even in his mind. It was bad to think about other men. It was being unfaithful and it made Brian a bad person.

As those realizations hit him, Brian couldn't hold back the tears. They ran down his cheek as he used the shower head to wash away his semen. 

By the time he reached for a towel his tears had dried. He still felt guilty about what he had done, but he promised himself to keep trying to get away from Nick. It was going to be hard, because he was so enchanted by Nick, but Brian simply couldn't give up. Masturbating had allowed him to let go of his tensions, but he shouldn't have done it with Nick on his mind.

As he stepped back into the bedroom, he noticed Paul kneeling on the carpet, scrubbing the part of it that had been stained by Brian's vomit. He forced himself not to think about how it came to be, focusing his attention on Paul, who smiled and turned his head as he noticed his return. His boyfriend smiled warmly at him, and looked him over, before turning his head back to the spot he was cleaning.

“You look good,” Paul said with a smile.

Brian pressed his lips into a line. He didn’t agree, but he wasn’t planning on telling Paul that.

Instead, he hurried to get dressed in order to hide his body. He didn’t even think much about what to put on, he just randomly grabbed clothes that fit him: some gray boxer-shorts, a red t-shirt and one of his larger jeans. Paul watched him attentively as he dressed.

“I prepared breakfast in the kitchen. I'll finish cleaning this up before I join you,” Paul explained, and dunked the rag he was holding into the bucket of water next to him.

Brian nodded, perhaps having breakfast would help bring everything back to normal. 

“Alright, I'll be waiting for you,” Brian responded, and turned to leave.

Before he could step out of the room, Paul called after him. “Brian, babe,” he paused, “I still want you to gain weight!”

It was not really a surprise that Paul still thought that way. The behavior he had shown over the last week had made it evident just how deeply invested he was in Brian's weight gain. He hadn’t expected Paul to stop feeding him. 

Brian was not delighted to hear it, but with all the guilt he felt about Nick, it seemed like complying with this was the least he could do to make it up to Paul. Even if Paul didn't know about it, Brian did, and that was bad enough. Perhaps doing what Paul wanted would also give them the chance to be happy again; Brian had to try.

“Okay,” he responded.

He wanted to say more, but before he could the phone started ringing. 

“I'll get it.”

It didn't take long for Brian to reach the phone and take the call.

“Hello?” Brian asked the phone, and waited for a response.

“Hey, cous'!” It was Kevin and he sounded like he was in a good mood.

Hearing the voice of his cousin and friend made Brian feel a little emotional. How he wished he could have just gone to work, today; he needed some distraction from everything that had happened. He missed his friends; at least things with them were simple and not so damn complicated like his relationship with Paul had been recently. He took a deep breath, to prevent new tears from coming before he responded.

“Kev, it's so good to hear your voice. I really missed you yesterday!” Brian pressed the phone closer to his ear as he spoke.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I had to do some accounting and it consumed more time than I expected,” Kevin explained, “but I was sad I couldn't go. AJ told me you’re doing much better.”

Brian smiled as he heard that. Yeah, he had been feeling better and luckily the bruise on his back had not been hit as Paul had lashed out. The new wounds he had hurt, but not so much that they made it hard to get through the day.

“He's right. I can't wait to be back in a couple of days,” Brian said.

“We can't wait to have you back! I’ve been helping AJ in the kitchen, and that's just another thing stealing time away from me,” Kevin sighed. “Sorry, that shouldn't be your problem.”

It wasn’t typical for his cousin to be that open about his stressors. The state of the restaurant must have been really bad if he addressed it. Hopefully, having a musician would change things for the better.

“It's alright, Kevin. You know you can talk to me, whenever you need. I'm here for you!” 

Brian meant what he said. Not only was helping his cousin something he wanted to do, it also would distract him from his own problems.

“It's okay, Brian; I’m optimistic. That kid you brought along — Nick — he’s really good. Since we got him a microphone and he started to sing, the number of our customers keeps rising daily. If it keeps going on like that we can open second floor next week!” 

Kevin was excited and Brian felt caught up in the excitement, too. It was so great to hear that bringing Nick in had helped so much. He was a ray of hope for their restaurant, a shining star.

As Brian thought about about Nick again, his eyes grew distant and dreamy, and he couldn’t help but smile brightly. How could one person be so damn perfect? Brian couldn't think too long about him, or his thoughts would drift to pictures of kissing him. Still, he was glad to hear that having Nick helped the restaurant.

“That's amazing to hear, Kev. I can't wait to be back so I can help; I bet you have a lot to do,” Brian responded, pushing the thoughts about Nick away again.

“We do, but don't worry; we can survive ‘til you come back! Anyway, I just wanted to call you, ‘cause I couldn't be there yesterday. Glad to hear you’re better!” Kevin started to say his good-byes and Brian's smile faded.

“Well, I can't wait to be back, Kev. Love you, bye!” Brian answered.

As Kevin spoke his “Bye-bye!” in response, Brian had already put the phone back to its base. 

Thoughtfully, he watched the phone for a moment, before heading towards the kitchen.

“You really miss going to work, yeah?” It was Paul's voice coming from behind him

Brian stopped in his tracks.

His boyfriend was leaning against the door-frame of the bedroom and watched Brian intently, but not threateningly. There was a smile on his face, and his eyes were shining.

Brian nodded.

“I do. I kind of miss the city, too. It's nice to be at home for a while, but I miss my friends,” he said in the gentlest of voices.

Paul just kept the smile on his face and approached him. When he was close enough, he pulled Brian into a hug and put a kiss on his temple. As they parted, he took him by the hand and walked towards the kitchen.

Brian smiled as they entered the room, not because of the huge breakfast Paul had prepared, but because the sun was shining. The last few days had been dark and cloudy. For a few moments, he enjoyed the warmth. If only he could have stayed a while longer just standing in the light, but as Paul let go of him and walked to his chair, Brian knew he had to do the same.

Once they both were sitting, Paul started to prepare the rolls he wanted to feed him. He coated all of them in a thick layer of Nutella.

“I think you need a little bit of happiness today, and chocolate makes you happy,” Paul said with a smile.

Brian smiled back, but he hid what he was truly feeling. He already dreaded the fact that he would soon be stuffed until he felt nauseous, but he had promised Paul to do it for him. Perhaps it would keep him happy.

“Oh, tonight there is a concert at the stadium. Do you know Udo Lindenberg? Great German artist! We should listen to it from our balcony. What you think?” Paul really sounded excited.

Brian probably would have felt the same way, had it not been so close before his feeding session. It really was a great idea, he loved listening to concerts with Paul, and they hadn't done it in such a long time, but right now he felt grumpy. It was better to hide it, though; Paul didn't need to know about his current mood.

“I can't wait,” Brian said, faking the warmest smile he could.

His boyfriend responded with a brighter smile, but wasted no time starting breakfast. Piece by piece, Paul fed him the rolls, and soon he was lost in his own mind again. It was evident in his now distant eyes. Paul was caught by his own lust, and he didn't even really see Brian when he started to rub his belly.

All Paul saw in those moments was the amount of weight Brian gained, his fat, and how stuffed Brian was. It made Paul wild with lust. Then he said that he loved Brian, but today Brian noticed how empty those words felt. How could he say that and not even look into his eyes?

As Paul grew hard, and more and more turned on, Brian lost himself in his own thoughts. Was this really what love was supposed to be?


	10. An Apple

While birds sang their early melodies outside, the sound that woke Brian was a lot less gentle. The loud beeping sound of his alarm clock made him shoot up into a sitting position. He had nearly forgotten how ear-splittingly loud that alarm was; it was one of the few things he hadn’t missed at all in the prior week.

With a groan, Brian slammed the annoying sound off before leaving the bed. What a terrible way to start the day.

Like so many times before, Brian decided to buy a new alarm clock soon, hoping that this time he wouldn't forget about it. The chances for that were slim, though, because there were so many other things on his mind. 

First and foremost, Brian was worried about his relationship to Paul. It had become so weird over the last two weeks. Paul had been violent, and, while Brian tried his best to forgive, it was much harder to forget. How could he forget? The bruises on his body were a constant reminder of what happened.

After having a shower, Brian looked at the most visible of them when he faced himself in the mirror. As he had expected, the bruises on his neck had become dark and blue, and their shape was very clear. He saw that each one of Paul's fingers had left a mark when he had throttled him. It wasn't pretty, and it was most certainly inconvenient.

Brian would need to hide them.

The plan called for him to wear a scarf. Luckily, it was rather cold outside, so it wouldn't seem too strange wearing one when he left the house. It would seem a little weird if he kept wearing it inside of the café, but he had thought up an excuse for that. 

Just like the rest of the clothes he wanted to wear, Brian had already taken his black wool scarf out of the wardrobe before going to bed. It saved him some time in the morning, when he more often than not found himself in a hurry. 

Once he was dressed, he headed into the kitchen. Over the last few last days. this had been making him feel tense, but now, with Paul already at work, Brian felt a lot more at ease. Nobody was there to feed him until he felt sick, and that was a good thing.

Brian dreaded those feeding sessions. They made Paul happy; for Brian they mostly felt like torment, but he felt it was the least he could do. He wasn’t willing to give up on their relationship. There had to be a chance to make it happy again. Still, he wouldn't miss being fed now that he was at home alone. 

At least that was what he thought, but as Brian opened the door to the kitchen he was shocked to notice that his boyfriend had prepared breakfast. The table was so heavily loaded with food, that Brian was surprised it didn't bend under its weight. Paul had really put everything on there: all different kinds of jams and sausage, a huge jar of Nutella, and a big basket filled with bread. He had even taken out the rest of the roast they had eaten the day before and, there in the middle of it, he had placed a card.

Brian took it and started reading: _“Good morning, darling! I am so proud that in just one week you gained 2kg, so I made you this breakfast. Eat as much as you can. I love you, have a great day!”_

Reading, Brian furrowed his eyebrows. Was he _serious_? Suddenly, it was as if all the frustration of the past week was gathering in one huge ball of anger and he felt about ready to explode. Couldn't Paul at least not try to feed him when he wasn't there?

In his anger, Brian ripped the paper card into pieces and threw it onto the table. 

Worst of all was the fact that Paul was telling the truth; Brian _had_ gained weight in the last week, but he wasn't proud of it — quite the opposite. Thinking about it disgusted him. He had planned to loose weight, but Paul didn't care for that, did he? All he cared about was his own happiness and his lust.

With a frustrated growl, Brian grabbed as much of the food as he could carry and brought it over to the trashcan. He dumped it inside, and then removed the plastic bag from it. Paul wouldn't know he hadn't eaten the food as long as it was gone. 

Brian brought the trash bag to the hallway and put it down next to his backpack. He would take it down with him to the dumpsters as he left the flat.

After reading Paul’s stupid card, he didn't want to eat anything anymore. Of course, he felt hungry; after days of being stuffed to the brim non-stop, Brian noticed that his hunger in general had increased. At the same time, though, the simple thought of food now reminded him of those 2 kilos he had gained. He didn’t want to gain any more.

With Paul not there to observe him, Brian decided to refrain from having breakfast altogether. Instead, he drank a cup of milk, before putting the rest of the food back into the fridge and cupboards.

That only took a little time and once he was done, Brian had calmed a little. Maybe he had been wrong to assume that Paul only cared for his own happiness. He did so much for him. All of the last week, he had stayed home just to take care of Brian. Thinking about it, Brian felt a bit ungrateful for not having any food, but he couldn't bring himself to eat, not even one bite. 

There wasn’t a lot of time left, anyhow. He had to be at work before anyone else was. Nobody could see his bruises while he changed. 

Brian pulled up his scarf to hide his neck, and headed towards the hallway. Once there, Brian put on his backpack and grabbed the bag of trash. Quick steps lead him out of the apartment, down the stairs, and out under the cold-blue February sky.

Only when he felt the breeze of fresh air outside did Brian notice just how much he had missed leaving the apartment. For a moment, he just closed his eyes, enjoying the wind playing with his curly locks. It felt as if he was finally free to live his life again.

Before he left for the nearby tram station, Brian made his way to the dumpsters that were located in a small courtyard next to the building he lived in. Taking a deep breath, he threw the trash inside. He couldn’t help but smirk after eliminating all that food without eating it. Usually, he would have felt bad about it — after all, there were people starving in the world — but right now he just wanted to trick Paul into believing he had eaten all of it. 

As soon as the trash was dumped, Brian was on his way to the café. He wondered if anything there had changed. He hadn’t been gone for long, but with Nick working there now, perhaps they had built some kind of stage. Brian was also absolutely certain that because Kevin had been working in the kitchen, it must be in absolute chaos, even though AJ had been there trying to prevent it.

Thinking about it left Brian both amused and worried. Amused, because he knew that Kev probably had driven AJ absolutely crazy, and worried, because it might fall upon him to clean it up. 

As he arrived at the café, Brian thought about checking the kitchen first, but remembering his bruise, he decided to get changed instead. So, ignoring his curiosity, he put his coat on the hanger and headed upstairs to the dressing room to change into work attire.

It didn't take long to slip into work clothes, but Brian had to make sure the scarf sat absolutely right and hid all of his bruises. That took a while, but once he was sure that the scarf hid everything, Brian made his way downstairs again.

He entered the front of the café, and looked around for a moment. Part of him was disappointed that nobody had built a stage. All that had changed was that there was a microphone stand in the corner of the room. The microphone wasn't even there, and the speakers seemed kind of cheap, but thinking of the current financial situation of the café, that had to be enough for now, no matter how makeshift it was.

He slipped into a daydream. This was where Nick had been singing. With careful hands, Brian reached out to touch the stand. He wondered if Nick had touched it as well or if he sang with his hands falling down at his sides. Brian could just imagine it: Nick singing, his hair falling down on one side in front of his face. He loved that hair, middle length and wild in that warm blond color. With a sigh, he reached out into the emptiness, imagining touching and playing with its strands, blushing at the longing he felt to be close to Nick.

After a moment, Brian shook his head. His hand dropped again, and he turned around to walk into the kitchen.

Somewhat relieved, Brian noticed that it didn't look nearly as bad as he had imagined it. In fact, it seemed like each and every thing was in the place where it belonged. It was probably AJ who had done his best to clean everything up for his return.

“Thank you, Aje,” Brian mumbled into the emptiness, before starting his day of work.

Having been gone for a week meant that the first thing Brian had to do was to have a look at what kind of pastries and confections were in stock, and which of them he needed to bake. It didn't take long for him to check what they had in the refrigerator. It seemed that most of the cakes were freshly made, the only thing that was missing was blueberry pie. AJ would bake that later on.

As Brian started to get the cakes out, he saw the kitchen door opening.

“Alex!” Brian called out even before his best friend had fully stepped into the room.

The response he got was a bright smile. AJ hurried over to Brian and pulled him into a hug.

“Rok, I missed you so much! Great to finally have you back. Please, never leave me alone in the kitchen with your cousin again,” AJ demanded, as he squeezed Brian, causing him to chuckle.

“Alright, alright. Was it so bad?” he asked, and patted AJ's back.

“It was terrible; he made chaos everywhere and he was always looking over my shoulder. You know how much I hate it when people look at me while I’m working.” Alex told him about his suffering, then released Brian from the hug and eyed him skeptically. “What’s up with that scarf?”

The story AJ told made Brian giggle; it almost made him pity the poor guy. Brian knew how difficult his cousin could be; he could just picture the stern expression on Kevin’s face, bothering AJ. Brian just was about to respond, when AJ mentioned his scarf. For a moment he was silent, then he put on a smile.

“Well, I just have an itchy throat and want to prevent myself from getting sick.” Brian told him the lie he had made up.

“Rok! Don't you dare get a cold. You just came back!” AJ seemed to buy it.

“Nah, don’t worry; I don’t want to be away anymore. Anyway, we’re out of blueberry pie.” Brian didn't want keep talking about the scarf.

As Brian mentioned the pie, AJ smiled. Brian knew why he did it; blueberry pie was AJ's absolute favorite. He had always told him how great the pies his Grandma made were. 

“I'll make it; you can take the front.” AJ sounded quite happy.

“Again? It seems like recently I always do the front, Aje!” Brian responded, and smiled again. He wasn't as annoyed as he sounded.

“Well, the customers want to have handsome servers, so you’ll be better, anyway,” AJ said with a wink.

Those words caused Brian to blush in embarrassment. Having gained just a little bit of weight, he felt anything but handsome. No matter how much Paul showed that he desired him, Brian saw himself as undesirable.

“Stop it, Aje!” Brian said

He sighed and lifted a baking sheet carrying a New York cheesecake and a few chocolate bonbons. Once he had a firm grip on it, he slowly headed towards the door.

“Hey, you won’t be alone for long. Nick will come later today. He has a lecture first, but he said he would be here by 10 am,”AJ explained.

Brian turned his head to face him. If only Brian could tell AJ, how much he crushed on the newest addition to the café’s staff. AJ just mentioned his name, and Brian was already starting to daydream again. Nick had put a spell upon him; he just couldn’t forget the way he felt when Nick was holding him. 

Sadly, he couldn’t tell AJ. A part of him didn’t want to, either, because he felt ashamed about emotionally cheating on Paul.

So, after a moment of silence, Brian only gave AJ a gentle smile, before heading through the door. 

It was time to open the café. After putting the baking sheet down on the front counter, Brian headed towards the front door. A smile played on his lips as he unlocked it. Brian finally could work again and it filled his heart with joy.

The day started slow. The cold temperatures outside didn’t make people want to go out and eat, but once the day got warmer, the place filled up.

Brian had a lot to do. He was hurrying from one table to the next, taking orders and making sure the guests had a great time. It wasn’t the thing he was best at; Brian was shy and careful around people. 

It hadn’t always been that way. In the US, he had been quite extroverted, but moving to Germany had changed his demeanor. At first, Brian was worried about approaching people, because he was afraid to make mistakes speaking German, but that wasn’t the problem anymore. Now, Brian was worried that they might judge him or laugh at him for not being slim.

It had happened before and it had hurt. He remembered the time when he had served a table and the people seated there mocked him. 

They had been just teenagers, but that didn’t stop it from hurting when they puffed out their cheeks trying to imitate him. They had not even tried to hide it from him. They had wanted him to see it, had wanted him to feel affected by it.

It had not taken long for them to succeed. Brian had to use all of his willpower not to cry. He didn’t want it to happen again.

Luckily, the guests this morning seemed to all be friendly and in a good mood. His job was fun today.

Brian couldn’t wait for Nick to come and give him company. Again and again, he kept looking out of the windows, searching for the blond hair and the blue eyes he loved so much.

When Nick finally did come, Brian wasn’t paying attention, because he was filling up the displays behind the counter.

“Monkey!” 

As that cheerful exclamation reached Brian’s ears, he felt warmth filling his heart. Brian raised his head and smiled brightly when his eyes met Nick’s. It was automatic; he couldn’t help it. Hearing the pet name he had grown to love so much made him happy.

“Morning!” Brian called back, waving at Nick.

His smile soon faded once he saw who Nick had brought with him. There he was again — that Howie guy. He gave Brian a wave as a greeting, but Brian just responded with a nod, eyeing him warily.

What was _he_ doing here?

A quick look gave Brian an answer: Howie was holding onto a big box with a picture on it that told of its contents. It held some speakers, better ones than the café had. He obviously was here to set up Nick’s makeshift stage. Even so, Brian couldn’t help but feeling a little pang of jealousy. He wasn’t sure who the Spanish guy was to Nick.

With a pout, he continued filling up the display.

“What’s up with the scarf, monkey?” Nick asked as he approached him.

“I just have an itchy throat,” Brian mumbled his response.

This time he didn’t even raise his head, since he was still jealous over Nick’s relationship to the Spaniard. It bothered him that Howie was here. 

After his answer, Nick was silent for a while. Brian couldn’t see what he was doing, but he felt his eyes resting on him. Then he heard him sigh.

“Well, hope you won’t get sick,” Nick finally said in a quiet voice, then added a little louder, “I’ll go prepare my mic. Great to see you back at work. We all missed you!”

When Nick turned around, Brian raised his head again. He watched as Nick walked towards the microphone stand and put down his backpack. From it he produced the microphone and put it on the stand. Howie was there waiting for Nick, and had already started setting up the new speakers. Brian watched as they smiled at each other and frowned as the pang of jealousy became a burning flame.

After a while of watching them, it was burning so hot that Brian simply couldn’t take it anymore. He put one last muffin on display, then walked around the counter. With determined steps, he made his way past a few tables, where guests were enjoying their pastries. He approached the corner where Nick and Howie were setting up the stage. Only when he was standing right in front of Howie did he stop.

Howie stopped what he was doing and turned his head to face Brian.

“Can I help you?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.

Before Brian responded, he took a deep breath. Perhaps he was making a fool out of himself, but he just needed to know. 

“Are you Nick’s boyfriend?” Brian asked it directly, and he didn’t care if Nick heard him.

Just asking if somebody was his boyfriend didn’t mean anything after all, did it? He was just asking because he was curious about Nick’s life. Wasn’t that normal for friends? Brian told himself it was.

From the corner of his eyes, Brian noticed that Nick was observing him and Howie. Was there a smile playing upon his lips? Part of Brian wanted to turn around to have a look, but he held back and watched Howie instead.

Brian’s question resulted in Howie staring at him for a moment in silence. He blinked a few times, then he burst out into laughter and shook his head.

“Me and Nicky? Hell nah.” Howie chuckled some more and shook his head. “I’m into dem chicas!”

Brian heard the words; they seemed honest, but Brian wanted even more reassurance.

“You have a girlfriend, then?” His question aimed at getting just that.

Nick coughed and Howie blinked again. Perhaps Brian was being a bit nosy, but he couldn’t help it.

“What kind of interrogation is this?” Howie asked and shook his head in amusement, “No, I don’t have a girlfriend. If you knew Sweet D, you would know he would never be satisfied with just one girl. I got several.”

This time, it was Nick that burst out into laughter. It was a loud-but-lovely sound and it caused Brian to finally turn his head to face him. It took a while for Nick to stop the laughter, but then he shook his head.

“Nobody actually calls you Sweet D, bro!” Nick said and rolled his eyes.

“ _You_ don’t call me that; the girls do. They have actually seen my Sweet D, Nick,” Howie retorted and smiled proudly.

“I’m glad I didn’t!” Nick made a fake gesture of vomiting with his response, before he continued connecting the microphone to its stand.

Brian watched both of them for a moment, then he fell into laughter. He not only felt relieved, but also very happy all of a sudden. Howie was no threat. He absolutely seemed to be a dork, but he wasn’t Nick’s boyfriend. Perhaps it should not have mattered to Brian, since he did have a boyfriend of his own, but knowing that Nick was single made Brian shine. Even after he stopped laughing, he kept the bright smile on his face.

“Why do you care so much, anyhow?” Howie finally asked, causing Brian to blush.

It was a good question, but he didn’t know the answer, only that he had asked for another reason than pure curiosity.

His smile faded as he realized that he had asked because he wanted to imagine himself becoming Nick’s boyfriend. He could picture it in his mind: holding hands with him, kissing him, hugging him. Brian didn’t know how to feel about that. 

Once again he reminded himself that Paul was his boyfriend, but it felt so hard; their relationship had been so difficult recently. Then, he remembered how it had been before. He couldn’t give up on the love they shared.

Brian didn’t answer and looked at Nick. He found him smiling widely.

“I think he likes me, Howie,” Nick finally said with some pride.

Brian blushed deeper, his heart beating faster. Like him? Was that it? Of course he _liked_ Nick, they had become friends rather quickly. Was there more to it than that? Brian didn’t need to think very long before he found the answer, and it shocked him.

Brian did like Nick.

He liked him more than he wanted to admit to himself. Ever since they had met, Nick never truly left his thoughts. Every time his mind drifted away, it found his smiling face. Every time Brian felt worried, he felt solace thinking about when Nick had held him. Every time he felt lust, he pictured Nick’s body. Brian did like Nick — and quite a bit more than he should.

As Brian’s expression became painted by worry, Nick tilted his head to the side and examined him quite attentively. Then, he let go of the microphone stand and approached him. Before Brian could say or do anything, Nick pulled him into a hug, putting his arms around his shoulders.

Nick didn’t say a word, he just held him like that for a while. It felt so good. With him, he felt so safe. With him, he felt at home.

Brian lost himself in those strong arms. His body was so close and Brian longed to even be closer. As pictures of kissing Nick found its way into his mind, Brian pressed himself firmer against him. 

His heart was racing and beating so strongly, he wondered if Nick could feel it. 

Being held like that, it felt as if time stood still. The hug only lasted a few seconds, but for Brian it felt like an eternity. When the door of café opened and new customers entered, Nick let go of him.

“You gotta work, monkey!” He said with a warm smile.

For a moment, Brian was confused, captured by the look in Nick’s eyes. Something about the way he looked at him made Brian feel light-headed and very happy. He didn’t want to part from him.

As Nick continued setting up the microphone, Brian turned around and walked to the counter to welcome the new customers.

The rest of the day seemed to pass in a flash. There was so much to do. The café already was more frequented than the last time Brian had worked, and as soon as Nick started to sing, even more customers came along. Brian had to increase his pace of working quite a bit to satisfy all of them.

With Nick’s beautiful voice in the background, it didn’t feel all that hard, though. Nick sang all sorts of songs from pop to grunge; he even sang some Schlager hits. The customers loved it and they applauded him after every song. Brian noticed that the little tip jar Nick had placed next to the microphone stand was filling up very quickly. Brian smiled. Nick deserved every single cent that he got; he was so good at what he did.

Howie had left once he had made sure that the speakers did what they were supposed to do, but Brian didn’t pay him any attention. Knowing that Howie was into girls, Brian didn’t feel bothered by him anymore.

What bothered him, however, was the fact that he got pretty hungry around mid-day. Not having eaten anything had not been such a great idea, after all, but Brian was worried about his weight. While he could have eaten a piece of any of the pastries, he decided to only take one of the apples from their storage. He was sure that Paul would eventually feed him to the bursting point again, so he used the chance he got to eat more lightly.

The apple wasn’t enough to keep him satisfied for long, but it was enough to make it through the rest of the work day without feeling dizzy. 

When the day came to an end, Brian felt truly happy. It had been such a long time since they had a successful day like that. It was like Kevin said; Nick really had attracted a lot of new customers.

Brian locked the front door and smiled. He was so grateful that Nick was there. 

When he turned around again, he stopped for a moment to see what Nick was doing. He was working on getting the microphone removed from the stand; Brian decided to head upstairs to change without him.

AJ had left half-an-hour ago already, so Brian knew that he would be alone in the dressing room. It was better that way. It made hiding his bruises easier. Brian hurried changing his clothes, because he hoped to catch Nick before he left. He couldn’t remember any other time he had ever changed clothes this quick.

Once he was done, he grabbed all of his stuff and rushed downstairs. Brian sighed in relief when he saw that Nick was still there. In fact, it seemed like he had been waiting for him.

“Hey, Brian, I thought I could walk to the tram station with you, if you don’t mind?” Nick asked as Brian reached the bottom of the stage.

“No, of course I don’t mind,” Brian said, and blushed. “Why would I mind?”

In fact, Brian felt more than delighted about Nick’s suggestion. If Nick accompanied him to the tram station, Brian would have more time to talk to him, smile at him, look at him. It was a great idea.

“Good,” Nick said. 

Brian blinked a couple of times when he noticed that Nick’s cheeks had a slightly rosy tint, too.

Was he blushing? No, he couldn’t be blushing. Brian probably just saw things that weren’t there. He looked at Nick for a moment, before going to the hanger to get his coat. Those cheeks definitely were redder than they were supposed to be.

Thoughtfully, Brian stretched to grab his coat, but gulped when the motion caused his scarf to slip off of his shoulder from one side. Quickly, Brian grabbed it to put it back in place, hoping Nick hadn’t noticed the bruises.

It only took a moment for Brian to realize that Nick saw more than he wanted him to. Faster than Brian could blink, Nick was standing next to him. In a quick motion, he pulled on Brian’s scarf and ripped it off of his neck.

The force of that motion caused Brian to gasp and, in a desperate wish to hide what Nick had already seen, he tried to bring his hands up to his throat. Nick didn’t let him, though; he reached for his hands and grabbed them, pulling them down and holding firmly onto them.

His eyes were wide as he stared at Brian’s bruises, then he made a growling sound.

“That fucker!” Nick exclaimed, and let go of Brian’s hands, looking into his eyes.

This wasn’t good. Nick had seen the bruises and was now blaming Paul. Immediately, Brian felt defensive. All the excuses Brian had made for himself shot back into his mind. Paul had apologized — he was a good man; he wanted to make it okay again.

“Nick, it’s alright,” Brian said, trying to calm him.

Nick seemed furious; he shook his head. “Nothing is alright, Brian. Don’t you see it? That bastard keeps hurting you. First your back and now your throat! What do you think he will do next?” 

Nick tried to appeal to him, but the more he spoke, the more defensive Brian got. The pictures of Paul’s violence shot back into his mind and, with them the guilt he felt for provoking it. 

“He won’t do anything, anymore. He promised me,” Brian said, looking into Nick’s eyes that were burning with anger.

“Don’t tell me you believe what he says!” Nick demanded.

Brian frowned. Everybody makes mistakes; of course Brian believed him. Paul had been his boyfriend for nearly two years. He hadn’t hurt him before now, and he wouldn’t do it in the future, either. 

Had it not been for Nick, the violence would have never happened. Suddenly, Brian felt angry.

“Stop it, Nick! Had I not been with you on Valentine’s Day, he wouldn’t have pushed me, and if you hadn’t been so damn confrontational on my birthday, I wouldn’t have bruises on my neck now. Why don’t you fucking get that I have a boyfriend?” he shouted at Nick, and felt his body tremble.

He regretted it immediately as soon as he saw Nick’s hurt expression.

For a moment, he looked at him in silence. It was true that being with Nick had provoked Paul’s anger, but Brian hadn’t wanted say that to Nick. It had been his _own_ fault for being with Nick, and for not being clearer earlier. As melancholy took a hold of his heart, Brian looked towards the ground.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to blame you,” Brian said in a soft voice, and finally reached for his coat.

“Please don’t go home to him, Brian,” Nick’s voice was just as soft, and full of worries.

Brian looked up to him and reached for his hand, taking it in his own. It felt so good to hold it, feel those long, elegant fingers and the warmth they carried. Gently, Brian intertwined his own fingers with them. For a moment, he wondered how it would be if he just did what Nick asked of him. What if he didn’t go home and went home with Nick instead? 

As beautiful as that thought was, he couldn’t do that to Paul, not after Brian had said he would try to forgive him. Paul had done so much for him and Brian had paid him back by dreaming of Nick. He owed Paul another chance.

After a moment of hesitation, he pulled his hand away from Nick’s and shook his head. 

“I’d better leave,” Brian said, and slipped into his coat, bending down to gather up the scarf from where Nick had dropped it.

Once he had put it on, Brian left the café without another word. Nick wasn’t speaking either, his expression told Brian he was at a loss for words. It was so sad; Brian’s heart broke thinking about it.

As he walked into the cold evening air, the fresh breeze felt like daggers shooting into his heart. If only things could have been different; if only he could have stayed with Nick.


	11. Basketball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is Chapter 11 for you to read. Thanks go out to my amazing Betareader again. 
> 
> It took a little bit more time to finish it up this time, but don't be worried about me not finishing this fic. I'm currently writing on Chapter 19 of this story and have 98k words written. I'm slowly approaching the story's end. I hope you people still enjoy it :) And I can't wait to hear you guyses feedback.

Things were weird between them after they had their argument on Monday. 

Being around Nick proved to be difficult. How could it be easy when Brian felt so much for a man who wasn't his boyfriend? Nick seemed unsure how to treat Brian, too. It was obvious that he was worried, but Brian's words had affected him. Brian could see it every time he was around him. 

Brian didn't see Nick arrive at the café, because he was in the kitchen preparing a Red Velvet cake. When he came out to put the cake on display, Nick was sitting at one of the tables, bent over a thick book.

Brian put the cake in its designated spot in the display, but he kept his eyes on Nick. The way he was being so studious and serious, the way he was concentrating, was very different from the lively and energetic person Brian had gotten to know. It was a side of him that Brian hadn’t seen so far.

A curiosity to know what made Nick different today captured him quickly. Brian went over to Nick’s table, ignoring the fact that AJ was working the front room that day. Something about the idea that AJ would be taking care of what Nick wanted bothered him. That was Brian’s job.

As he approached Nick, he wasn’t able stop himself from admiring him; Nick was a perfect picture of beauty. The lines of his face were so fine; to Brian, it seemed distinctly noble. With his pale skin, blond hair and blue eyes, Nick looked like the perfect fairy-tale prince. He was charming, too, and when he turned the page of his book, Brian’s attention was caught by the hand that was touching the paper. It had felt so good the day before when their fingers had intertwined. If only that moment could have lasted longer. 

“Morning, Nick,” Brian finally raised his voice, announcing his presence.

Nick looked up from what he was doing to face Brian. When their eyes met, Brian noticed that something was off. Those blue eyes that were always so full of joy and carelessness now carried a deep sadness when they looked at Brian. Seeing them like that made Brian’s stomach hurt. Why was he looking at him that way?

Then he recalled the words he had thrown at Nick, and the blame he had put on him. As those memories filled his mind, he quickly started to regret the words he had spoken and he started to regret even more that he had left Nick standing all alone before. Why was it that what had felt so necessary — letting Nick know he was with Paul — now felt like he had destroyed something beautiful? 

“Hey,” Nick finally responded in a soft voice.

He didn’t call him “monkey.” That was the first thing Brian noticed when he spoke. Then, there was the fact that he was very short with him. That wasn’t typical for Nick, either.

“What are you doing?” Brian asked as he looked over his shoulder in a desperate wish to get Nick to talk more.

As his look fell onto the book, Brian saw a picture of a vase on the right side and a bunch of text on the other.

“Just archeology stuff, preparing a presentation,” Nick had said, still terse, not looking up from his book.

“It’s very beautiful.” Brian still hadn’t given up on getting Nick to talk. “The vase, I mean!”

As he said that, Nick turned his head to look at him. He smiled, but his eyes were still sad. It hurt Brian to see him like that. In that moment, he would have loved to tell him that what he had said and done hadn’t been what he truly felt, but as soon as he had opened his mouth, Paul came to mind. 

Perhaps it was good that Nick was being more distant.

“It was found at Tschertomlyk, in a Scythian burial mound that is also called ‘kurgan,’” Nick explained before continuing to read.

Brian smiled, but his mind was far off and not set on talk about archeology. He was still wondering about whether or not Nick acting so different was good or not. Surely, it would keep Brian out of trouble with Paul; on the other hand, it felt anything but right.

Being around Nick had been wonderful, better than everything else. It had been his one escape from all of his worries, all his suffering, all his pain. Now, it felt as if he had destroyed it.

“Can I bring you something to eat or drink?” Brian asked in an attempt to distract himself from his sadness.

“No, thanks, I’m fine,” Nick responded, shaking his head.

“Alright,” Brian said, not able to keep some melancholy out of his voice.

So, Nick didn’t even want anything to drink. Somehow, this only made Brian even sadder. As he turned around to head back to the kitchen, he felt very close to tears.

“Oh, um … By the way, basketball training starts on Thursday, at 17:30. It will be at the gym in the Mannheimer Straße. That’s in Grünau, close to where I live,” Nick called after him.

At least that was something. It felt like the only ray of hope on the horizon. Nick still wanted to join a basketball team — with him. Leipzig-Grünau was one of the most populated parts of Leipzig, but it was also far from the city-center, farther to the west than Brian lived. He would need Paul to drive him there.

When Thursday came, Brian decided that he didn’t want Nick to be as distant as he had been since Monday. He hoped that by training with Nick their relationship would go back to how it had been before. Nick being distant felt to Brian as if something was missing. He longed to return to the bond that he had felt developing between them, no matter how wrong it was. 

The more Brian missed the closeness with Nick, the more he realized how unhappy he was with Paul. He had not felt the intense feelings he felt for Nick in a long while. Once he had felt them for Paul, but that had been what felt like an eternity ago. 

When he realized that what he felt for Nick was more than just silly infatuation, his life only became more complicated. It was a difficult situation because his relationship with Paul had lasted longer than two weeks. Who said that next week Paul wouldn't win him over again? Brian had loved him for so long, he had a hard time imagining it being any different. Yet, right now, Paul didn't make him happy, whereas being with Nick did. Brian didn’t understand his own feelings, so it was hard to come to any conclusions.

In the end, all of his confusing thoughts resulted in Brian feeling like he was paralyzed. He didn't know what path to take, so he couldn't move forward. Instead, he stayed on the path he knew and had walked before; he stayed with Paul and hoped that their relationship would become more loving again.

It wasn't like Paul didn't treat him with warmth and love. Every evening, when Brian came home from work, Paul was already waiting for him, ready to treat him like a prince. He complimented him, kissed him, made sure Brian was doing alright, and asked to hear how his day had been. It was obvious how much he was trying to make Brian feel good and happy, but there was also the other side to him, which Brian despised so much. Paul was still a feeder.

It never took long for him to get Brian into the kitchen, in order to feed him whatever he had cooked for dinner. While Paul had just a salad, he fed Brian burgers, spaghetti, pizza, kebab. Brian complied, but he hated it so much. 

There was no way to fight it. Paul would get angry if Brian didn't do what he wanted, and that was something Brian wanted to avoid. Whatever happened, he couldn't make Paul angry; the thought of it scared him. 

So Brian became numb, trying to ignore the disgust and pain, and all the weird stuff Paul did and said when feeding Brian aroused him. At those moments, he dreamed himself away to a different place, filled with happiness and light. Usually, his dreams took him back to the US; AJ was there, but he also saw Nick. What was he even doing there? He had never been there in reality, but it didn't matter; having him there in his dreams made them better.

Paul couldn't know about how drawn Brian felt to Nick. If he ever found out, Brian was sure that he would see the monster that lived inside of his boyfriend again. He didn't want to wake it.

So, when Brian came home on Thursday, he felt nervous. Paul had made it pretty clear that he hated Nick and that he didn't want Brian to play basketball, no matter what he had said on his birthday. 

Still, Brian was not willing to give up on it. He wanted to see Nick, wanted to escape the dread he felt at home, and wanted things between them to go back to how they had been before he had messed them up by blaming Nick. Brian was determined to go, but that meant seeing Paul. 

If Paul hadn’t been so jealous, Brian might have been able to get to the gym without him, but, as it was, going alone only would anger his boyfriend. Paul wasn’t in a particularly good mood anyhow, knowing that today was the first day of training. For Paul, it meant that he couldn’t do the feeding he loved so much, because there was no time for it.

When Brian stepped into their apartment, he had noticed right away how grumpy Paul was. Brian felt himself tensing up. Warily, he met those brown eyes that were scrutinizing him.

“Did you eat at work?” Paul asked in a critical voice; he didn’t seem happy. 

Brian frowned. He had just entered their apartment, they were still standing in its hallway, and the first words Paul spoke weren’t a greeting. This wasn’t how it had been the last few days. It was not only disappointing; it also was another sign of Paul’s mood. It would be better not to address the lack of greeting; it was safer to answer right away.

“Yeah, I did. I ate two pieces of chocolate cake,” Brian lied.

Brian had eaten at work, but, like every day since he had gone back to work, he had chosen to only eat fruit and leave the sweets and the cakes alone.

Hopefully, Paul didn’t already know that. The way Paul stared at him made Brian feel insecure. What if he found out, somehow? What if he had called AJ and he told him?

Panic rose up from the pit of Brian’s stomach and he took a deep breath to control himself and stop his body from trembling. That couldn’t happen, or Paul would definitely find out he was lying. 

“That’s not a lot,” Paul said with a sigh.

Brian felt relieved that his boyfriend had believed him.

“Brian, I need a little more dedication from you. You know I can’t feed you today, because of your silly basketball appointment. You could have at least done something to make up for it,” Paul scolded him.

Brian could see how disappointed Paul was in the way he stared at him. It was unsettling. What if he decided to punish him for not eating enough? Brian lowered his head.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a low, guilty voice, avoiding his boyfriend’s eyes.

Paul sighed again and shook his head, before turning around and walking towards the living room.

“Follow me,” he called to Brian, as he pushed the door open.

Wanting to avoid upsetting his boyfriend even more, Brian complied with his demand without hesitation. His steps carried him into the living room, where he stopped close by the door. Brian observed how his boyfriend walked towards the living-room cabinet. He opened one of its doors and took out Brian’s basketball, Nick’s gift to him. Once Paul was holding the basketball, he looked at Brian for a moment.

"I want to give this back to Nick; I don't like him giving you presents," Paul said, and looked right at him.

Brian wasn't sure what Paul was looking for in his eyes, but he tried his best not to show how hurt he felt about this plan. The basketball had been a great gift, not only by itself, but also because of what it meant, and from who it came. It was Nick's gift to Brian, and he hated the idea that Paul was even touching it.

It would have been a mistake to show Paul how he felt about it; Brian could see in his eyes how determined he was to be rid of the ball. He didn't need to be a genius to know why it was bothering him. He was possessive and he thought of Nick as a threat, trying to steal Brian away from him. He wanted to mark his territory and giving the ball back to Nick was a way to show that.

"I'll head down and start the car. Hurry, get your stuff and meet me downstairs," Paul said with a smile and walked past him.

Once he was out of the door, Brian frowned. There was a time when he had enjoyed Paul's possessiveness, felt loved by it, but now it bothered him. It was not for Paul to decide who Brian talked to and who gave him presents. Even if he perhaps had been a little too close to Nick, that didn't give Paul the right to decide what happened to the presents he gave him.

Brian was aware, though, that speaking up would have most likely caused Paul to shout at him. He would have quickly become enraged; he was just that jealous. Thinking about Paul like that made Brian tremble, and he had to shake his head to fight off bad memories.

It probably wouldn’t be a good idea to make Paul wait either, so he hurried into the bedroom and got his gym bag. It was already packed; he had done that early that morning, excited to finally be playing basketball with Nick. Once he had all of his stuff, he hurried out of the apartment and down the stairs. 

Paul was waiting in his car close-by; Brian felt his eyes upon him as he approached the car and climbed into it. 

“There you are,” Paul said and gave him a smile.

The smile on his face seemed to be genuine, but it unsettled Brian. Brian buckled up and examined his boyfriend. It was so weird; suddenly Paul seemed like he was actually delighted to bring him to training. 

As Paul started driving towards Grünau, Brian couldn’t stop himself from frowning. It was frustrating. He had been looking forward to playing basketball, but now Paul was worrying him. Brian didn’t even want to think about Paul and Nick meeting again.

With a frustrated sigh, he turned his head and looked out of the window.

“What’s up, honey?” Paul asked and put a hand on Brian’s thigh, as if he was trying to calm him.

Brian couldn’t stop himself from huffing. Did Paul really not know what the problem was? 

“Nothing. Everything’s fine,” he lied, and kept looking at the passing buildings.

Paul seemed to accept his answer. At least, he didn’t respond. Instead, Brian felt how his hand was traveling up along his thigh, getting very close to his crotch. What was he doing?

“Stop it, Paul,” he said, in a quiet but annoyed voice, not really in the mood for his boyfriend’s advances.

The words had just left his mouth and Brian already started to worry about them. Perhaps he shouldn’t have been so defensive. How would Paul react? The moment of silence that followed was difficult. Finally, Paul took the hand away, but this time it was him that sighed, frustrated. Brian tried to ignore it, mostly feeling relieved Paul didn’t lash out in anger.

They didn’t exchange any words for the rest of the journey. Brian didn’t even look at Paul while they drove in silence. The road to Grünau wasn’t long, and soon they approached the gym.

Brian’s smile finally returned when he saw a group of people waiting in front of the building. Brian could see a handful of men, but he only had eyes for one of them. Nick was already there, and he was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed. 

Paul drove into the parking lot, but Brian kept eyeing Nick, who was keeping his distance from the other men. Once they finally came to a halt about 30 yards away from the gym, Brian hurried to get out of the car. Eagerly, he lifted his arm and waved.

“Nick!” Brian called out and immediately caught his attention.

The smile that appeared on Nick’s face in response was so bright and warm that it made Brian’s heart flutter. Like magic, it put a smile on his face — a smile that vanished quickly when Paul stepped up next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. 

Brian looked up at him, and saw he was scowling at Nick, carrying the basketball under his arm.

Brian turned back to Nick, and saw that he was approaching them. Suddenly Brian felt tense, something was off. The way Paul was looking at Nick didn't promise anything good. Brian wished Paul would just leave, but he knew there was no way he could get him to do that.

Nick didn’t seem all too happy about Paul’s presence, either. He was observing him with a frown, even as he came to a stop close to them. 

“Nick,” Paul was the first to speak and Brian noticed how friendly he was sounding. It was obviously fake. "I brought you something," he added, and held up the basketball.

What happened next made the air around Brian cold. As Brian looked at Nick, a flash of light reflecting off of metal drew his attention back to Paul. Paul was holding a knife. Brian didn't know where he got it, but he must have carried it with him in the pocket of his jacket. It was just a kitchen knife, but he lifted it high with a sinister grin on his lips.

Brian's body started to shudder involuntarily as Paul slammed the knife down into the rubber of the basketball. Nick gasped, but Brian was too shocked by what Paul was doing to pull his eyes away from his boyfriend. Surprisingly, the ball didn't make a loud sound when the knife cut it, but it did deflate quickly.

“That’s for you, Nick, I hope you like it,” Paul said with a chuckle and threw the ball towards Nick, who caught it with his eyes widened. 

As Brian examined Nick, he could see his expression mirrored his own; he was just as shocked. Neither of them had expected Paul to do anything like that. It was terrifying.

Was Paul threatening to hurt Nick? Brian couldn’t allow that, but what could he do to prevent it? Brian couldn't stop himself from shaking. 

“What’s up, Brian? Why are you trembling like that?” Paul asked, staring into his eyes as if he was waiting for him to say something wrong.

Brian was vulnerable and easy game for that stare, which dived into the depths of his soul. It felt like an attack, like Paul conquered him violently and put him in chains. Once again, he felt himself panicking. He was worried for Nick. He needed to find out what Paul was planning.

"Say something!" Paul demanded in a voice that was a little bit louder and caused Brian to freeze.

“I … I — ” Brian stammered while still trying to figure out what to say.

He couldn’t say the wrong thing, he had to be careful now. As the lines on Paul’s forehead deepened, Brian took a deep breath.

“ — just don’t want you to hurt anyone with that knife,” he responded, careful to speak as neutrally as possible.

Paul kept his eyebrows furrowed. For what seemed like an eternity, he examined Brian in silence, then he let the hand that was still holding the knife drop. He put it into the pocket of his jacket.

“What kind of person do you think I am? I won’t hurt anyone, but this is a message. I didn’t like that he touched you," Paul said, and stared at Nick, directing his words at him. "He’s got to know that you are mine and he has to stay away from you." 

He turned his head back to Brian. "You _are_ mine, aren’t you, Brian?” Paul asked, and for not one moment did he allow Brian to escape his stare. “Tell me that you are mine! Only mine!” he demanded.

Those words were cold and sharp, like icicles trying to burrow themselves deep into his skin. There was an undeniable threat laying underneath those words. It wasn’t the kind of possessiveness that Brian was charmed by in the past; this time, there was more to it. Paul was telling Brian where his place was, reminding him as if he had forgotten.

He was also showing Nick that Brian belonged only to him. In Paul's mind, he owned Brian and could do anything to and with him that he wanted.

Paul also made it perfectly clear that he would only accept one answer from Brian, who was terrified of what would happen if he wouldn’t give it. So he did.

“I’m only yours, Paul,” Brian said, not daring to pull his eyes away from Paul’s.

He had to believe him, he just had to, and for that Brian had to seem certain. Brian wasn’t sure if he succeeded, Paul was eyeing him skeptically, but at least it didn’t seem like he was getting angry.

After a moment of silence, Paul turned his body and leaned over him. As he did that, Brian could see Nick out of the corner of his eyes. He was curling his hands — still holding the deflated ball — into fists. Brian tensed up as Paul's face came closer and closer. With a soft motion, Paul nudged Brian’s chin upwards, then held onto it, looking down into his eyes.

“Good. I want you to remember it. You are mine, nobody else’s. Your body is mine, your soul is mine, your smile is mine, and your kiss is mine!” Paul reminded him, then pushed his lips onto Brian’s.

With determination, he used his tongue to force Brian’s lips open. He attacked his mouth and put his hands on Brian’s waist pulling him close. He was showing him and Nick his dominance over Brian; taking his kiss and his taste. It didn’t feel good or loving, but Brian tried his best to respond to Paul’s advances, trying not to upset him any further, knowing he still had the knife.

After he made their tongues dance for a while, Paul pulled away from Brian abruptly. He smiled warmly down at him.

“We’ll continue this when you get home later. You don’t wanna be late to your training, after all,” Paul said with a grin as he looked over to Nick again. 

He had delivered his message.

Nick was angry. Brian could see that when he finally turned his head to face him again. He was boiling with rage. Nick's whole face was red and Brian noticed what a hard time he was having not to attack Paul here and now. He was trying his best, but Brian was unsure how long Nick would be able to hold back.

"Before I leave, though, about that ball — I don’t think _my_ boyfriend needs that or any other gifts from _you_. Play basketball with him all you want, but if you touch him again, it will be the last time you see him. He’s mine!” Paul’s words were spit out like acid. 

Hearing them, Brian widened his eyes. Something about the way Paul said it made the blood in his veins run cold. A shiver ran down Brian’s spine as he eyed Nick, who looked similarly shocked. Brian watched as Nick took a sharp breath; he was so close to loosing his self-control. Slowly, Nick's eyes searched Brian's as if he was asking him for permission to attack. When all Brian could give him was an expression of fright, Nick sighed, and closed his eyes.

“Of course I won’t touch him, don’t worry about it,” Nick said with solemn words and looked back to Paul, who was smiling quite triumphantly.

“Good! Have a great practice, then,” Paul responded, seemingly satisfied by the outcome of his plan.

Without any further word, Paul turned around and stepped back into his Audi. Before he drove off, he gave Brian another look. It carried a neutral expression, but Brian knew what he wanted to tell him. Paul thought Brian was his alone and he wanted Brian to remember that.

The stare made Brian freeze until Paul drove off in the distance. Even then, the tension didn’t fall from his shoulders.

“Are you alright?” Nick asked, and stepped closer up to him.

Brian wasn’t sure how to respond to that question. He wasn't alright at all, but Paul had made it very clear, that he didn’t want him to get close to Nick. What he had said had sounded like a threat. What if Brian made a wrong move and Paul tried to hurt Nick? He didn’t want that to happen.

As he didn’t respond, Brian could see a flicker of compassion in Nick’s eyes. Then, without a further word, Nick let the broken basketball drop and closed the gap between them. With a deep sigh he pulled Brian into a hug, putting one hand behind his head and the other arm around his waist. He pulled him close and held him protectively.

“Of course you’re not. Sorry for asking a stupid question,” Nick whispered to him and caringly stroked his back

As he did, Brian fell into a pool of chaos. It felt so good, being in the arms of a person he truly cared for. It felt so good, and all of the distance he had felt seemed to be gone now. Nick smelled good, too. With a deep breath Brian, inhaled even more of his scent; it was so sweet and seductive. 

There was nothing he wanted more but to loose himself in those strong arms and forget about all what had just happened, but fear was rumbling in his stomach. 

Nick was doing exactly what Paul had told him not to do. He was hugging him, holding him close, caring for Brian. What if Paul found out? What had he meant, when he had said Nick would never see him again? He didn’t want to loose him, ever. 

Brian was worried, but being in Nick’s arms was calming. The fear was still there, but it only pushed him to hold onto Nick tighter. Slowly, Brian lifted a hand up and flattened the palm on Nick’s chest. Resting it there, Brian could feel Nick’s heart beating. It was quick, which was not surprising, considering how Paul had acted. Brian could feel, however, that Nick’s heart was still increasing in pace.

Curious to know what that meant, Brian looked up at Nick and found him blushing. 

Why was he blushing? Did Nick like him? As the questions shot into Brian’s head, he forced himself to pull away from Nick. It felt so good to be held, but it was also so dangerous. What if Paul really did hurt Nick for it? He had to prevent that.

“I’m — I’m fine, thank you,” Brian mumbled as he pulled back.

Nick looked at him skeptically. “No, you are not. Don’t lie to me, please.” Nick shook his head. “You are anything but fine. I could see the fucking fear in your eyes, when that bastard was talking! C’mon, Brian, you know that he is not treating you the way he should! That stunt he just pulled, that was fucking too much. The dude is crazy! And damn dangerous.”

Nick looked into his eyes, and Brian knew he would be able to read him. Of course he wasn’t alright, everything Nick said was true. It felt so hard to admit it, but he didn’t leave him any other choice.

“Okay. I’m not fine,” Brian said and couldn’t hold back on tears gathering in his eyes anymore. “Nothing is fine. I … I can’t — I mean I just don’t know him anymore.”

Brian spoke and lowered his head in sadness, while he opened his soul up to Nick. At first it felt difficult to speak about it, but the more he said, the more he felt his words dropping like a waterfall.

“I’ve been so damn unhappy with Paul in these last two weeks. It’s like he’s a completely different person from the man I once loved. Really, I don’t know what else he could do,” Brian said and cried tears that he immediately rubbed away with his arm.

“I don’t blame you, Brian. He hurt you. No, let me put it clearer. He fucking abused you. You have to get away from him!” Nick responded in clear and confident words.

How could he sound like that? As if he knew exactly what to do. 

“It’s not that easy. I mean, maybe things will get better again. Also — ” Brian said, before his words got so quiet he nearly whispered them, “ — also, I don’t know what he will do if I upset him. Oh, God, I’m so scared of what he might do.” 

As Brian admitted to this, he started to cry heavier. His vision got blurry from all the tears, and Nick made a step closer to pull him into another hug.

“Shh,” Nick whispered into his ears, “we will find a way out of this!” 

Nick’s words sounded so confident, and Brian wondered where he found all of that positivity. Maybe it seemed easy when looking at it from the outside; Nick didn’t know Paul the way Brian knew him. For Brian, everything seemed so hopeless.

As his sobs caused Brian’s body to shake again, Nick pulled him even closer, trailing calming hands across his back. It was obvious that Nick was done with keeping his distance. What Paul had done to keep Nick away from Brian had lead to the opposite happening. Nick held Brian caringly in silence, waiting for him to feel better, but that took some time. There were so many thoughts in Brian’s mind, so many fears. Brian tried his very best not to focus on any of them to keep himself from falling into a deep hole of melancholy. 

He had to focus on the here and now; he had to focus on how protectively Nick held him. It was the only way to pull himself out of his sadness.


	12. Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12 is already done, thanks to my lovely betareader being so quick! I hope you enjoy it <3

Brian felt loved and cherished, standing there in Nick's arms. Nick's hand was still trailing across his back, slowly but surely calming him down. He closed his eyes as the tension fell from his body and released a contented sigh as Nick pulled him even tighter against his chest.

It was simply wonderful to feel those arms around him, holding him close; Brian felt protected. In that moment, no worry of the world could reach him as Brian was certain Nick would keep him safe. 

Gently and absentmindedly, Brian brought his hands up to put them on both sides of Nick's waist. There he took a hold of the hem of Nick's shirt, playing with the fabric below his fingers. 

"I'm sorry," Brian whispered to Nick. "I'm sorry for what I said on Monday. I — " he hesitated for a moment, " — I shouldn't have blamed you for what happened. It's not your fault."

His voice was quiet, barely more than a breath, but it was loud enough for Nick to hear it. When Nick let go of him a little bit, Brian opened his eyes and looked up at his face. Nick looked sad.

"Is it not?" Nick's expression was written with pain. "He lashed out at you, because you were with me. I caused it on Valentine's Day and, even worse, on your birthday, when I already knew what he was capable of. I provoked it and then left you alone with him." He sighed and faced the ground. "I should have protected you!"

Brian frowned and shook his head. While the words were true in a way, Brian didn't want Nick to think like that. It wasn't his fault. It was Paul who had made the decision to hurt Brian, nobody else. There was nothing Nick could have done to prevent it. 

Perhaps it would have never happened, had they not met, but Brian hated that thought. Meeting Nick had been the best thing that had happened to him in what felt like forever.

"Nick," Brian said still shaking his head lightly, "don’t talk like that. Please."

Brian met Nick's sad eyes. He could see that Nick was trying to read him. When Brian gave him a pleading expression, wanting nothing more than for Nick to forgive himself, Nick sighed. 

"You can't believe how much I regret what I said on Monday," Brian said in a low voice, "you acted so different ever since then. And — ", he stopped for a moment, wondering if he really should say it, "I missed you."

When he spoke those words, Nick's sad eyes filled up with sparkle and a gentle smile started to play on his lips. It was an expression of understanding. Nick looked at Brian like that for a while, before he bent down over him.

Suddenly Nick's face was in front of Brian, so close that it made him blush. It was so unexpected that it caused his heart to jump, before it started to race at incredible speed. Brian didn't even allow himself to breath anymore. What was Nick doing?

Whatever it was. Nick seemed not so sure about it. It was as if Brian could see the gears in his head turning as Nick was contemplating what to do next. 

Would he kiss him?

The thought inevitably shot into Brian's mind; he stared intensely at Nick's lips. They were so full, so red, and they looked so sweet. Brian wanted to feel them, lick them, taste them, but he didn't even dare to breathe, or even move. 

Could he really kiss Nick now, when he still was with Paul? Yes, he wanted it so much, but it wasn’t the right thing to do.

Then Nick leaned backwards, standing up straight again, and brought a hand out to tousle Brian's hair. 

"I missed you, too, monkey!" Nick declared, and smiled brightly.

No kiss.

Brian felt relieved, but he also had to admit to himself that he was disappointed. As the red colour faded from Brian's face again, he felt an urge to gently punch Nick's shoulder in order to take revenge for his teasing. However, before he could decide whether or not he should do it, he heard a voice coming from behind Nick.

“Ihr seid die Neuen?” It was one of the men who was waiting in front of the gym.

The man was quite tall (typical for a basketball player), of pale complexion, and he had curly black hair. As Brian looked at him, he noticed him smile, seemingly friendly. He was asking them if they were the new members of the team. Nick turned to him and nodded. Brian examined him a while longer. He wondered how much he had seen and heard, both of what happened with Paul and with Nick. 

“Ja, sprichst du Englisch? Mein Freund Brian is Amerikaner,” Nick responded asking him if he spoke English and telling him Brian was an American.

Skeptically, the man examined Brian, then chuckled. It was a reaction that caused Brian to frown, because he felt himself being judged by that laughter.

“Of course I do. I should have seen you were from America,” the guy said, gesturing at his stomach.

Brian frowned. The way the guy looked at him as he gestured made it seem like he was making fun of him. Brian was uncomfortable. As Brian looked at him and saw how the guy mimicked having a huge belly, he knew he was implying Brian fit the cliché picture of an obese American. 

“Aren’t you a bit small and rotund to play basketball? And a crybaby, too?” the guy asked with an amused voice. 

Those words hurt. That guy didn’t even know him, or why he was sad. What gave him the right to speak that way and judge him? Brian felt sad again. Yet, the guy was speaking the truth. Brian was fat, Brian was small, and he had cried a lot recently, even though he had a serious reason for it.

Quickly, Brian rubbed across his eyes. He wasn't even crying tears anymore, but his face probably was still worn and red from earlier. He felt embarrassed. This was not how he had expected the first meeting with a teammate to be. He felt at a loss of words. Nick however raised his voice.

“Wow, aren’t you an arrogant prick? What gives you the right to speak that way? Just shut the fuck up, okay?” Nick growled.

Brian noticed how angry he looked. It didn't take Brian long to realize that Nick was getting way more upset than needed. Brian knew it was about more than the words that guy had spoken; it was because Paul's stunt had shaken Nick to his bones. With a worried look, Brian stepped up to him and touched his shoulder.

“Nick, it's okay. He's not worth it.” Brian tried to calm Nick and looked up right into the eyes of the guy that seemed to have fun insulting him. "He’ll regret what he said once I beat him on the court," Brian said proudly.

Speaking those words, Brian could feel a new confidence rising up inside of him. There only were a couple of things Brian felt sure about these days. Baking was one thing he knew he could do well; playing basketball was the other. Brian hadn't played in a while, but he knew he was very good; he was certain about the words he had spoken.

The taller guy laughed at his words, then examined him from head to toe. Brian didn't like the way he looked at him; he wasn’t being any less judgmental.

“Oh! We got ourselves a proud fatty, I see. You know what? Training starts in five minutes; I don’t think we will actually play a game today. We’ll probably do some exercises. We play matches at our Saturday training though. You beat me and I’ll take everything back I just said.” The man smirked. “Name is Florian, by the way, and I’m captain of the basketball team, chubster. So I seriously doubt your fat ass stands any chance against me!”

Brian frowned at all the name calling; it was really getting to him. He was so unhappy about his weight. He thought it made him ugly, and being reminded of his flaw drove new sadness into his eyes. He tried his best not to cry again, not wanting to give Florian another reason to make fun of him, but it was hard. 

As Florian turned around and walked back to the rest of the team, Brian felt relieved. 

"What a fucking asshole," Nick exclaimed, drawing Brian's attention back to him.

Anger was radiating from Nick. Brian saw his whole body was tense. Nick had put himself into a threatening position, his shoulders raised, his hands curled into fists. It reminded Brian somewhat of the way Paul looked when he was angry, but Brian wasn’t threatened by him. Still, the longer he looked at Nick like that, the more he was reminded of memories that he would rather not have.

“We should probably go inside, too." Brian didn't hide the sadness he was feeling.

His words caused Nick to face him. It seemed that he noticed Brian's distress, because his expression got way softer. After a short moment, Nick stepped up to him and put an arm around his shoulder, pulling him close, just like on his birthday. 

"Don’t worry about that prick. I’m sure you can beat him,” Nick said, trying to cheer him up.

Brian gave him a smile and nodded. His mind was now set on proving what he was able to do. At least this whole ordeal with Florian made Brian forget the things Paul had done when he first got there.

Brian gave a last look to Nick, then gently moved out from under his arm. He walked towards the gym’s entrance with determined steps. Nick followed.

When they arrived, the door was just being unlocked by the coach from the inside. Once it swung open, Brian smelled something so familiar to him: the typical scent of a gym. Some of it was sweat, but most of it came from the linoleum floor. He loved it. When Brian stepped into the building, he immediately felt like he was at home.

“You are Brian Littrell and Nick Carter?” the coach asked as they passed him.

He was a tall man with strong shoulders, but what caught Brian’s attention the most was his fire-red hair and his long fuzzy beard. With his impressive stature, he looked like a viking. Brian looked at him with big eyes. He wouldn’t have been surprised if he had carried a horn filled with mead around his neck and a huge battle-axe on his back, but as Brian looked him over he didn’t find any of that.

“Yeah, I’m Nick; this is Brian,” Nick said and smiled as he introduced them.

“Well then, welcome on the team! I'm your trainer, you can call me Mr. Lenz," he said with a smile. He looked first at Nick, but then turned his head to Brian. "Your friend told me on the phone that you’re from America?” the coach asked in a friendly voice, examining Brian.

He nodded in response. “Yep! I’m from Kentucky,” Brian said. 

The coach chuckled. “Well I don’t even know where in the US that is, but I’ll look forward to see what you two can do. Changing rooms are over there,” he said, and pointed to a door close by the entrance.

Brian smiled. The man they had just met, Mr. Lenz, their coach, seemed to be genuinely nice. The way he was smiling at them seemed heartfelt. That was something, at least, and it made Brian feel a little bit more comfortable about being here, after his encounter with Florian.

Now that he was done speaking to them, Mr. Lenz took a notepad from a nearby bench and scribbled something onto it.

Nick gave Brian a smile. He looked quite happy as he reached out and took Brian by the wrist.

“Thank you, Coach!” Nick called over his shoulder and pulled Brian along into the changing room.

Behind the door was a small hallway leading to another door. Once that one was opened, Brian could see the rest of the team. As they entered, they caught the attention of quite a few of their teammates, who lifted their heads to examine them. Gently, Nick let go of Brian’s arm and walked to a free spot on one of the benches.

“Abend alle miteinander.” Nick spoke a friendly greeting.

"Abend," a few voices responded, but most of their teammates stayed silent.

Brian was impressed by Nick's confidence. So many strangers were in the room and Brian felt uncomfortable. Meeting Florian had already been bad; what if the others made fun of him, too? Adding to that, Brian's German was not the best.

“H-Hello, everyone,” Brian finally decided to speak up, as he carefully sat down next to Nick.

As the other men eyed him, Brian started to get more nervous. He relaxed when most of them gave him a friendly smile or a nod. There was a group of men sitting close to Florian that shot him hostile looks, but Brian tried not to let it bother him. Instead, he focused on getting out his workout clothes and putting them on.

As he got changed, he couldn’t help but notice Nick doing the same next to him. Carefully, he turned his head a little bit. He was trying to observe without being noticed. Brian knew it wasn’t the proper thing to do, but he couldn't help it; Nick was so attractive.

Brian wet his lips when he saw Nick removing his pants. Brian had never really noticed before how thick Nick’s thighs were, but now he was eyeing them quite attentively. Oh, how badly he wanted to touch them now. If only he could have felt those muscles, trailed his fingers along them, so close to Nick’s crotch . . . 

Brian bit his lower lip as his thoughts got naughtier. He had to calm down; if he kept thinking like this, people would notice how aroused he was getting. He had to look away from Nick. 

As he was about to do so, Brian noticed that Nick had turned his head, too. It looked like he was examining him in the same way Brian had done with him: secretly. Their eyes met and they both blushed deeply. Quickly, they looked away from each other.

Brian rushed to get into his sports attire, then he jumped up from the bench in an attempt to rescue himself from his embarrassment. He moved so quickly that he drew Nick’s attention, and Brian saw that his cheeks were still flushed. 

What had happened just now? Brian could feel his heart racing; he felt warm. The look that he had seen in Nick’s eyes had been so full of longing. When their eyes had met, there had been a spark that was still tingling in all of his nerves. It was a feeling he wanted to hold onto.

As he tried to hold onto it, his fears came back. Paul appeared in his mind, and the warning he had given Nick was ringing in his ears. Paul wouldn't like them checking each other out; he couldn’t know, ever. If he found out, Brian was sure he would do something terrible to him, or even worse, to Nick.

Trying to distract himself, Brian looked across the room. The team was made up of at least fifteen men between the ages of 25 and 35. Most of them were focusing on putting on their workout clothes. The group of the five men gathered around Florian were grinning and looking at him.

"See, told you he's fat. Surprised he even made it in here and didn't collapse half-way," Florian said when he caught Brian looking at them and Brian knew he was speaking in English intentionally.

When he spoke those words Florian looked at the men surrounding him, but Brian knew the words were meant for him.

"Carrying so much flab around must be exhausting. You hear him panting?" Florian kept talking, mocking Brian, making heavy breathing sounds to make fun of him. "What a pig, I bet he oinks, too."

A chuckle escaped Florian’s throat and the men, who seemed to be his friends joined in his laughter. Brian lowered his head. He had felt so light-headed and good moments ago, when he had been appreciating Nick's body, but now he felt like someone had punched him in the gut. He was sad and embarrassed. It wasn't true that he was out of breath like that, but it still hurt and being compared to a pig felt even worse.

Brian knew he was fat and he hated it, hated everything about it. Florian was right to call him that. It was the truth and Brian felt disgusted about himself being like that.

There was nothing he wanted to be more in that moment than be slim again. Brian had wanted to loose weight for a long time, but he knew it wasn't possible with Paul being his boyfriend. Paul liked him that way; he even wanted him to become much heavier. All Paul wanted was for Brian to eat, eat, and eat again until he was so fat that short walks really _would_ cause him to be out of breath.

It was a nightmare. There was nothing he could do. He had tried to tell Paul that he didn't like the idea of gaining weight, but Paul didn't want to hear it. For him, Brian needed to gain weight; it was proof of his love, but Brian felt embarrassed. Nobody could ever know what was happening at home. They would make fun of him, possibly think he was into that stuff. He most definitely wasn't; thinking about it made him feel sick. 

"What's your problem, asshole?" Nick's words pulled Brian away from his thoughts.

As Brian looked at his friend, he could see that he again was agitated. Once again, Nick had taken a threatening posture and was approaching Florian, who gave him a look and laughed.

"Seems fatty brought his little girlfriend along. Calm your tits, blondie!" Florian crossed his arms as he spoke.

Nick was still approaching him, but, as soon as he got close enough, Florian's friends stepped into action. Brian widened his eyes when he saw two men grab Nick. One of them was a redhead, the other was blonde, but they both were taller than even Nick or Florian. A moment later, they had taken a hold of Nick and were pressing him against the wall.

Florian grinned and shook his head.

"Told you I was the team captain. So, blondie, what's your problem?” Florian asked, then approached Brian.

"Leave him the fuck alone!" Nick called out. He struggled, but was unable to get away from the men still pressing him against the wall.

As Florian came closer, Brian started to panic. What was he going to do with him? What were his friends going to do with Nick? He looked towards his other new teammates, those that hadn’t been with Florian, but all of them were trying to ignore what was happening.

"What's the matter, piggy? Scared?" Florian asked and closed the gap towards Brian.

When Brian turned his head back to face Florian, he felt terrified. He was standing right in front of him, looking down at him, reminding him of Paul. A second passed before Florian gave Brian a small shove, causing him to fall into a sitting position again. Florian bent down, leaned closer and raised his hands, putting them on Brian's shoulders, using his new hold to press him firmly down on the bench.

"This will be fun," Florian whispered into Brian’s ear.

A moment later, he straightened up again with a chuckle. Even though Florian took one hand away from his shoulder, Brian didn’t fall for any false hope about being let go. Florian wasn’t done with him yet and his eyes flashed with a dark glint as he pulled Brian’s shirt up to reveal his chubby belly to everyone in the room. 

Brian’s body trembled as Florian put a hand on his naked flesh. It seemed like he wasn’t satisfied yet with the amount of hurt he had caused. Brian couldn’t hold back on his tears any longer.

“Aren’t you ashamed of letting yourself go like that?” Florian asked with a grin.

Brian felt like he had been put on display for everyone in the room to see. Even the two men that were holding the still-struggling Nick looked towards Brian. 

"Welcome, Brian," Florian said and gave his belly a shake. “I hope you enjoy being part of the team.”

The words were mean-spirited. He felt humiliated. Why was Florian doing this to him?

With a last little chuckle Florian let go of Brian and stepped back towards his friends, with a smirk on his lips.

"Let's go, guys," was all Florian said, and his friends let go of Nick.

"You fucking bastards!" Nick called out as he was free again.

Brian raised his head as he heard those angry words. As he looked at Nick he saw, that he was about to lash out. He had to prevent that, it would only make things worse.

"Nick!" Brian called to him and was shocked at how shaky his own voice sounded.

He was still crying. Maybe it was this picture of sadness that finally caused Nick to hurry over to Brian, kneel down in front of him, and pull him into a hug.

It didn't take long for their teammates to leave the changing room. Florian and his friends were still chuckling when they stepped outside. Part of Brian wanted to follow, to finally play basketball again, but he felt like he couldn't.

"Shh. Calm down, monkey," Nick whispered and brought a hand up to trail it through Brian's hair.

He had looked forward to this day so much, had hoped to finally escape from the dread at home. Now it seemed like this place was nearly as cold and menacing as the one he shared with Paul. What had he done to deserve all this? 

At least Nick was here, at least his one hope for happiness was holding him protectively. Brian buried his head against Nick's shoulders. He didn't even notice, that his shirt was still raised until Nick with a gentle movement pulled it down to cover him again.

"I'm so sorry," he heard Nick speak, "I didn't know that this would happen. When I asked you to play basketball with me I only wanted to make you happy."

Nick seemed to be devastated, feeling guilty for what happened, but it wasn't his fault. Brian shook his head against Nick shoulders as he heard his words. 

"It's alright," Brian said, as he regained some composure, "maybe we can jog at the river instead."

"No, Brian, don't let them get you down. You love basketball, don't you?", Nick responded and leaned backwards to look Brian in the eyes.

"Of course I do, but — " Brian started to respond immediately, but Nick interrupted him.

"No 'but,' Brian. Fuck them. If we leave now, they win. Show them what you can do on the court, then we can still leave. Don't give up now!" Nick’s words were full of defiance. 

He was right. If he gave up now, Florian would be delighted. It was better to beat him on the court as revenge. All of a sudden Brian's fighting spirit was awakened. Gently, Brian pushed Nick slightly away from him, so he could stand up.

"I won't give up!" Brian was determined to fight.

Nick smiled at Brian and stood up from his kneeling position as well. They had a goal now and they would work together to achieve it. As Brian walked out of the changing room, Nick was right behind him.

Brian felt so glad when the basketball training started. The bullying that had occurred in the changing room didn't continue under the watchful eyes of the coach. Everybody was focused on the exercises they were doing. Most of them had the goal to increase their ability to aim their shots. Brian had never been bad at that, so it was easy work. The coach seemed to be impressed by his abilities.

Nick seemed to be similarly skilled, Brian noticed when they were shooting hoops together. They stayed close to each other throughout the training. Brian didn't even think about leaving his side. Here — right next to Nick — he felt the safest. As training went on, Brian regained a bit of his happiness. Playing with Nick was just so much fun. They worked well together.

When the training came to an end, the coach kept him and Nick a moment longer. He made them throw a few more hoops from different distances, trying to evaluate them. By the time they were done, Brian felt exhausted. With the weight he had gained since the last time he had done sports, everything felt more difficult. He was breathing heavily when he fell back down on the bench in the changing room, closing his eyes for a moment.

It was Nick’s voice that finally made him open his eyes again.

“You done great, monkey!” 

Nick was standing in front of him, smiling brightly. Examining him, Brian noticed that he was holding out a bottle of water. Brian took it and drank from it immediately. After a few big gulps he put it down again and released a refreshed sigh.

Nick chuckled and sat down next to him. It was time to change. Brian felt comfortable with the idea, because all of his teammates, including Florian, had already left. Yet he couldn't keep the sadness from returning to his eyes, as he thought about what happened. Nick seemed to notice, and tousled his hair once more in order to distract him. 

Brian looked at Nick, who smiled at him warmly. Even though it was difficult, Brian responded to Nick with a smile of his own. It wasn't good to dwell on what had happened in the changing room earlier, but it had shaken Brian so much that it was hard to forget. He still didn't want to give up; he would fight to beat Florian on Saturday, but that didn't mean that what he had done to him didn't matter anymore.

What Florian had done to him had been cruel and yet when he looked at Nick and saw his smile Brian knew he had to try to be strong. He had promised he would fight and he was ready to do it. With a sigh, he tried to think about other things.

Brian noticed, with mild confusion, that the gym didn’t have any shower facilities available. Their German teammates had already left, but it seemed like they just changed their clothes despite being sweaty. Brian felt uncomfortable doing the same, but there was no other way. 

“No showers? I feel disgusting.” Brian voiced his complaint to Nick, who eyed him amused.

“C’mon, Brian, it’s not that bad. You can have a shower at home and change into fresh clothes then. With the current temperatures you might catch a cold if you go outside right after a shower, anyhow,” Nick said and pulled his jeans up to his waist.

“Still … ” Brian said and put on a pouting expression as he finally started to change clothes as well.

Nick observed him for a moment, then chuckled.

“You’re cute, you know?” Nick asked with a voice as warm as it was happy.

Cute? Brian blushed again. It felt so good to hear Nick say this, but he didn’t know how to handle it. He looked up at Nick and watched him slip into his pullover as the moment their eyes had met before training came back to his mind.

“Nick, do you like me?” the words escaped Brian’s mouth before he could think about them.

They cast a rosy tint onto Nick’s face who was putting on his shoes. He stopped in his motion when he heard Brian’s words.

“I do like you — " Nick paused, and turned his head to face him. " — a lot actually, and I hate that I have to let you go back to your apartment, right now. You deserve so much more than a place without love,” Nick said, solemnly.

Brian met his eyes as Nick looked at him with a sad expression. A strange feeling fell upon Brian. While he felt warmth coming from his heart at the declaration that Nick liked him, he also felt how the words that followed stung. Brian realized that what Nick said about his home was true. Nick’s words opened Brian’s eyes.

“I don’t wanna go home,” Brian admitted, “but I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave Paul, that ... that wouldn’t be right. I mean I would need to talk to him, but what if … ” his voice trailed off and he looked to the ground.

Nick approached him. He was about to say something, but held back, as a voice echoed through the gym from the other side of the door.

“Brian? Where are you?”

Speaking of the devil. It was Paul and he sounded annoyed. The tone of his voice was enough to cause Brian to hurry. He didn't even see his boyfriend yet, but he had to make sure to get himself dressed quickly. Paul couldn't get upset.

Nick sighed as he watched Brian jumping up at Paul calling his name. He didn't seem very happy about his reaction and his expression told Brian that Nick was deeply worried.

He gently put a hand on Brian’s face and trailed his thumb across his cheek. It was only a moment, but it was enough to make Brian blush again. 

“You got my number, monkey; I’ll be there if you need me,” Nick reminded him in a sad voice.

As Brian heard steps outside the door, Nick pulled his hand away.

When the door opened and Paul made his way into the room, Nick started to leave. Without even looking at Paul, he stepped out of the changing room. 

“You were alone with him,” Paul said once Nick was gone.

Brian only nodded. There was nothing else he could do. He felt himself tense up as Paul looked him over and frowned. His boyfriend’s mood worried him. Hopefully, he didn't notice that he was flushed. 

“Nothing happened, Paul, we had to stay a while longer, ‘cause our coach wanted to evaluate us. So we were the last to change,” Brian explained, hoping Paul would calm down. 

It didn’t seem to work, as Paul eyed him with a frown. 

“Hurry up and dress yourself.” Paul sounded annoyed and stared him down.

Hearing the tone in which those words were spoken, Brian didn’t wait for Paul to ask twice. He quickly put on his street shoes before he jumped up and gathered his stuff. Paul’s expression softened. Once Brian was done, Paul nodded in approval and took him by the hand.

“I cannot wait until we get home, darling. Perhaps I get to feed you a little bit before we sleep, after all?” Paul asked and looked up to Brian with a smile.

Brian took a deep breath. He didn’t want to be fed, especially not after all that had happened today. The simple idea of it made him feel devastated, but he had learned that there was no way around it. All he could do was to nod in silence. His compliance made Paul happy and he stopped in his steps to put a kiss onto Brian’s temple.

“I love you, you know that?” Paul asked and put another kiss onto his jawline next to Brian’s ear. Then he whispered with a wild growl, “I will fuck you so hard after feeding!” 

They were words that should have made Brian feel excited, but the idea of having sex with Paul felt so strange to him. Today had been a day filled with so much emotional stress that he didn't even want to imagine having sex with Paul. 

It was more than that, though. Paul had changed so much in those last two weeks. He wasn’t the same man Brian had sex with the last time. As Brian realized that he didn’t want to have sex with his boyfriend, he couldn’t help but feel guilty and worried. So he smiled, trying to seem like he wanted it.

As they drove home, Brian looked out of the window. His thoughts traveled to Nick. Brian wished it was him driving the car now, not Paul. He wished it was Nick with whom he would share a bed tonight. He wanted to be with someone that made him happy instead of someone that made him sad.

It came as a shock, but, while thinking about Nick, Brian suddenly realized that the love he once felt for Paul was gone and that they couldn't have a future together.

— But what could he do? How could he ever leave someone as possessive as Paul?


	13. To Fight Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always the thanks for making this story sound so wonderful go out to my lovely Betareader Pocket_Owl! 
> 
> Before we get into the chapter I want to link to you the song Nick sings in this chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQnAxOQxQIU
> 
> And incase you are interested. This is the "Schlager" he sings after that song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HtY2hRhUxs

Friday came and Brian was working the front of the café. There was much to do. It was really obvious that ever since Nick came around they had attracted many more customers. It was past noon already and Brian had needed to open the second floor two hours ago. Since then he had been moving a lot between the tables and up and down the stairs to satisfy the needs of everyone that came. 

It was tiring and yet Brian was delighted that he had the opportunity. It gave him the chance to watch Nick, who had been the number one thing on his mind for days, entertaining the customers with his talent. His singing voice was really beautiful, but Brian enjoyed it even more to see the passion on Nick’s face whenever he was performing. The way he closed his eyes and sang songs deep from his heart made Brian feel all warm inside. Nick was a star, the only light in the room; it was wonderful — yes, even magical. 

Brian was enchanted seeing Nick put his very soul into the music, but he wanted even more. Nick’s expression was so full of emotion and it made Brian wish that he could be the reason why. He wanted to be the source of Nick’s passion, the reason for him to close his eyes, the reason for him to shine. He wanted to kiss Nick, hold Nick, lay with Nick, and even that wouldn't be enough to satisfy the strong desire he felt. He wanted all and everything from Nick and even more. Maybe if he got that, Brian would finally find the happiness he was missing so dearly. He didn't even feel guilty about these thoughts.

How could he feel guilty about longing for Nick, when he was the one that filled his heart with so much joy? It was a feeling that nobody else gave him, not anymore. Not since being with Paul only made Brian sad and depressed. 

Brian wondered if leaving his boyfriend would be his best bet to become happy again, but it wasn't that simple. He had to be careful about it and he couldn't make a decision too quickly. Then there still was a part of him that was clinging onto the beautiful memories they had once shared. Maybe this lack of emotion towards him was only a temporary state. If he gave him another chance, perhaps they would be able to work their problems out. It was possible that not all was lost between him and Paul yet, but Brian was still unhappy.

Unlike Nick, Paul had lost the ability to make Brian smile. Once, being with Paul had made Brian feel good, now it only made him feel tense. Brian remembered the night before, when Paul had sex with him. He had hated every moment of it. Paul had dragged him to their bedroom, just after he had made sure that Brian was stuffed to the brim with food. It didn't matter to Paul that Brian felt sick by the time he crawled on top of him, nor did it matter to him that Brian wasn't in the mood. Paul just needed to satisfy his own needs and Brian had seen that his pain only made Paul more excited. Sex didn't feel good, but Brian had pushed through it the best he could. Laying passively on the bed, letting Paul do his thing, Brian had dreamed himself away to a better place. When he had closed his eyes, he once again found himself in Nick's strong arms. There he felt comfortable and it was that thought that carried him through the whole ordeal.

Sometime later, Paul had fallen asleep, but Brian lay awake thinking about Nick. There was nothing Brian had wanted more in that moment than to be by his side. With Nick there, he wouldn't have felt so empty. Nick would have made sure Brian was happy; he cared about him so much. 

But Nick hadn't been there.

After last night, Brian realized even more how much he wanted to be with Nick, but for that to be possible he had to leave Paul. It seemed so easy to dream about, but, in fact, it was quite difficult. He was scared of what Paul would do to him should he try to leave. Would he hit him again, kick him, or, even worse, would he hurt Nick? The words Paul had spoken as a warning to Nick before basketball practice repeated in Brian's head. He had no doubts that Paul was capable of causing both of them harm; he wouldn't even hesitate.

Brian knew that if his relationship with Paul didn’t change for the better, there eventually wouldn’t be any way left to avoid separation. Maybe it was already too late to prevent it. When Brian looked at Nick he felt butterflies dancing in his stomach. 

_"I do like you — a lot, actually."_

As the words Nick had spoken in the changing room after practice echoed in Brian's mind, he felt his heart beat faster. What had he even meant? 'Like' was such a strange word. It could have meant Nick loved him, but it might as well have meant that he felt for him like a brother. Brian didn't want to come to the wrong conclusion. He had to be careful, and yet his heart was screaming for Nick's love. There was no denying it. 

Brian wanted to be for Nick what Nick was for him: his fire, and the one thing that Nick couldn't get out of his mind. He wanted to be the thought that drove Nick crazy under the shower with wild lust. Could that even be possible? Could he be the one desire of someone as perfect as Nick?

Brian released a soft sigh as he pictured it just for one moment, Nick under the shower, thinking about him, masturbating. It pushed heat into his cheeks, coloring them deeply red as he started to work on the display of sweets behind the counter. It was not like it needed any work, but he tried his best to distract himself from Nick. 

It didn't work very well.

As Nick started to sing another song, he caught Brian's attention again. Their eyes met and suddenly it felt to Brian as if the world around him got blurry. Only the two of them were left in this space. There was a sparkle between them and Nick's eyes were shining as Brian delved deep into them. In that moment, it became clear that Nick had chosen the song just for him.

 _"I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy. I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need,"_ Nick sang with a soft smile playing on his lips.

Brian knew the song; it was by Savage Garden, from a few years ago. He had heard it before, but it never had touched him in the way it did now. Those words, coming from Nick, he had chosen them wisely to touch Brian’s heart. Nick truly was all that: his dream, his wish, his fantasy and hope. 

Yes, maybe he was even his love. In this moment, it seemed like his heart was beating just for Nick and nobody else.

_"I love you more with every breath, truly, madly, deeply do. I will be strong, I will be faithful, 'cause I'm counting on a new beginnin', a reason for livin', a deeper meaning, yeah."_

Nick kept singing and Brian couldn't pull his eyes away from him. Were those words meant as a confession? Did Nick love him? Brian didn’t want to make a false assumption and, yet, the way Nick sang gave him hope. If Nick really loved him, he would certainly be Brian’s hope for a new beginning. Nick would be all and everything to him, the one to make his life better.

As Nick sang on, Brian lost himself in his blue eyes. There was so much affection in them, so much caring. It felt so good to be here in this moment that made him feel like Nick and him were the only people in existence. To Brian, it felt like he was drowning in all kinds of warm emotions, all of them so similar to love, but he hesitated to call them that. 

_"Oh, can you see it, baby? You don't have to close your eyes. It's standin' right before you. All that you need will surely come."_

As Nick sang those words, Brian felt as if he was standing right there in front of Nick with only a small gap between them. Even though he was away behind the counter, it felt like he could reach out his hand to touch that beautiful face. Nick was blushing while he sang. Did he know that all Brian needed was his love?

This moment was so magical, so unique and wonderful. Brian had never felt so special before, like everything around him was falling into place to make him feel good. Nick was giving this to him, from his very soul. It could have lasted forever, but nothing ever did. 

"Excuse me, sir. I want a piece of blueberry pie, please," and with those words the moment was gone.

A middle-aged customer was standing in front of the counter. Brian had not even noticed him stepping up, but now he was here, oblivious to the fact that he was pulling Brian away from the most wonderful feeling. Hesitantly, Brian moved his eyes away from Nick. He could see he was just as disappointed that it had to end. He kept singing, but now it seemed to fade to background noise. 

"That's a great choice, do you want anything to drink with it?" Brian asked and smiled.

Even though he was pouting that his moment with Nick had ended, he couldn't blame the customer for it. The man ordered a cappuccino to go with his pie, and Brian started to prepare his order.

Once he was done and the customer made his way towards one of the tables, Brian looked back towards Nick. He felt some hope that they could recapture the magic, but he soon realized that their moment had passed. 

Nick was now singing a different song: a German Schlager about a group of women that enjoyed eating cake a lot. It was very fitting to the setting, but Brian’s mind was still caught up thinking about how cherished he had felt when Nick had sung "Truly Madly Deeply," the song that suddenly seemed to be his favorite. As Brian continued to do his job behind the counter, he caught himself humming its melody.

The rest of the day went by quickly. The customers seated at all the different tables made sure that Brian didn’t have much time to relax or think. There was a lot to do, and time ran fast, so fast it surprised Brian when the last customer left the café.

Suddenly, the room was empty again and Brian found himself alone with Nick. For a moment. Brian watched him packing up his equipment. He seemed to be lost in thought.

“Do you want to walk to the tram with me, today?” Brian raised his voice and smiled towards Nick.

The last time it had been Nick that had asked to accompany him, but that day things had gone differently than Brian had planned. Today, he wanted to make up for it, and be with Nick a bit longer.

“I’d love to, actually,” Nick responded with a grin as he looked up.

He truly seemed to be happy at the suggestion. Brian could read it in Nick’s brightly shining eyes. It made Brian widen his smile. 

Since their eyes had met earlier, Brian had felt so different. It was as if a spark that had been smoldering for a while had now started a flame. It was burning away inside Brian, burning with a desire that he couldn’t suppress any longer. Brian wanted to be with Nick forever, but it was dangerous. What would Paul do, if Brian left him?

As memories of Paul holding a knife came back to haunt him, he felt his stomach turning. He had to escape this tingling feeling, flee from it, because the uncertainty of the situation troubled Brian’s mind. Paul couldn’t know. He had to prevent him from even guessing it. Brian needed to pull himself together; getting changed would help him calm his mind.

“I’ll go and change, then,” Brian said quickly, before he fled up the stairs.

As he entered the changing room, he nearly bumped into AJ, who had just finished changing his clothes and was on his way out.

“Whoa, careful, Rok,” his best friend said and took a step to the side.

It made Brian realize how much he actually had been rushing. In an attempt to calm himself, he took a deep breath.

“Sorry, Aje,” he mumbled as he moved past Alex towards the spot where he had placed his backpack that morning.

“All fine. I can’t wait to get home either,” AJ responded with a chuckle. “We had so much to do today; can’t wait for the date with my couch.”

Brian looked up. He hadn’t even noticed how exhausted he had felt until AJ mentioned it. Now, though, he could feel the pain in his bones from all the running and the rumbling of his belly from only having eaten a little bit of fruit all day.

“Yeah, I feel you. It’s good the café is getting busier, though,” Brian said.

AJ nodded.

“True,” AJ said and paused for a moment before finishing. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Rok!” 

AJ waved and left the room.

“Get home safely!” Brian called after him.

Once he was alone in the room it didn’t take long for Brian to change. Nick was waiting for him. 

Would he ever find the courage to leave Paul? Brian's fear was quite strong, but so were his feelings for Nick. What would this longing lead to? Brian was scared of Paul, but at the same time the thought of being with Nick made him feel so happy. How could one and the same thing make him feel such very different emotions?

It was not like he could really avoid going with Nick now, though. He had been the one to ask Nick to come along and there was no way he would not follow through again like he had done before. He couldn’t do that to Nick; didn’t want to do that to him either. Even though it scared him to think about where all this could lead, Brian decided to try and ignore his worries.

After taking a deep breath he took his backpack, threw it over his shoulders and left the room.

Nick was waiting for him in the upstairs hallway.

It was unexpected, but there he was — not downstairs where Brian had left him, but right there standing in front of the changing room. As Brian stepped outside, Nick smiled at him warmly.

“There you are,” Nick said in a soft voice and looked deeply into Brian’s eyes.

There it was again, that feeling. It pushed Brian’s heart to beat faster and it colored his cheeks in a rosy tint. By now, it felt so familiar. Nick had power over him. Brian couldn’t control his reactions; they just happened, and it frightened Brian to think about how deep the emotions he felt for Nick were. 

Paul could never find out. Brian tried his best to ignore those worries, but they kept pushing back into his mind. Brian stepped past Nick and towards the stairs, in a futile attempt to avoid getting too close.

“Hey, wait,” Nick called, followed and grabbed Brian’s arm.

“It’s alright, let’s head to the tram and … ” Brian started to respond but fell silent once he turned to face Nick again.

There was something in Nick’s eyes that made it impossible for Brian to speak, a fire that was burning behind them, a spark that shot over to Brian. His body trembled due to its sheer intensity. 

Nick noticed and he smiled, then he joined Brian on the top step of the stairs. There was a moment of silence, when Nick looked him over. The way he did it made Brian feel dizzy.

Nick started to move the hand that was holding onto his arm. He trailed it downwards, sending tiny tingles along all of the nerve endings he touched. Nick moved his hand all the way down towards Brian’s, which he then took gently. As Nick’s fingers intertwined with his, Brian bit his lower lip. 

He felt a rush of emotion overcome him. Being touched like that by Nick was so very special; it woke all those desires he had wanted to push away. Nick was beautiful, wonderful — an angel. Brian's heart was beating only for him.

Being so close to him now, Brian forgot all of his worries. Nick's sweet caresses filled him with warmth and excitement. Nick raised their intertwined hands over Brian’s head, while his other hand took hold of Brian’s hip. A gasp escaped Brian’s throat as Nick pressed him up against the wall.

Brian didn’t know where his head was. Nick's sweet scent was invading his nostrils and his touch was burning like a fire in Brian’s heart, so warm. 

Those beautiful soft hands were holding him in place. They were controlling and yet it felt so good to be held by them. The emotions that came with it were so deep and intoxicating, that they made Brian's knees feel weak. He felt about ready to fall, but Nick just held firmer onto him, keeping him upright.

“Nick,” Brian said in a voice that was wavering and soft as he looked up into Nick's eyes, “what are you doing?”

His question was spoken so quietly. There was no way he could speak it any louder. What Nick was doing felt so wrong, but it also felt so right; he didn’t want to be anywhere else in this moment. 

“I don’t know,” Nick responded in a voice that was just as quiet.

When the words faded, Nick bent down and leaned in. Inch-by-inch, Brian watched as Nick’s mouth came closer. He could only stare at those lips, those beautiful, strawberry-red lips. How often had he dreamed of feeling them on his own in those last few weeks? They came so close that Brian could feel Nick’s breath hitting his skin.

“Brian,” Nick whispered with deep passion.

He was so close that speaking caused Brian’s skin to vibrate. It was really happening. Nick was about to kiss him. Brian closed his eyes. He was ready to welcome it, ready to enjoy it — ready to be set ablaze by it.

But it didn’t happen.

“Brian! Where are you?” Suddenly, Paul’s voice echoed from downstairs.

Nick made a quick step backwards, releasing Brian from his hold.

It came as such a surprise that he was no longer supported by Nick, Brian nearly dropped to the ground. In the last moment, he caught himself and looked helplessly at Nick, who had narrowed his eyes now. It was obvious how disappointed he was about Paul being here; Brian was as well. 

“Brian!” Paul called again, this time a bit louder.

“I’m here,” Brian responded after taking a deep breath, then brushed past Nick with an apologetic look.

As he hurried down the stairs, Brian could hear Nick release a deep and frustrated groan. It was so full of emotion that it made Brian feel sorry. If only he could have stayed, but he couldn’t risk waking Paul’s anger.

As Brian walked down the last steps, he saw Paul stepping around the corner. Once he was at the bottom of them, Paul grabbed his hand.

“How did you get inside?” Brian asked

He came to a stop, frowning a little as he felt the firmness of Paul’s grasp. It was a sign that something wasn't right, but Paul shouldn't have been able to see them at the top of the stairs. He wasn’t even looking up the stairs now. There was no way that he even knew Nick was here. Thoughtfully, Brian searched for an answer in Paul’s eyes, but found that he couldn’t read him.

“AJ let me in,” Paul said in a calm voice, then started to pull Brian along towards the exit.

“Oh,” Brian mouthed, spreading his fingers in an attempt to ease Paul’s hold, “you didn’t tell me you’d be coming to get me today.”

Brian looked at Paul as he lead him out into the windless night. He didn't seem very happy, but neither was Brian. Rather than walking with Paul, he would have liked to stay with Nick. His mind was still picturing those lips. It had nearly happened; Nick had almost kissed him. Brian felt sad that Paul had interrupted it.

After a moment of silence, Paul shook his head, then turned to look at Brian with his piercing eyes.

“Well, surprise!” Paul said in a way that sounded almost angry.

It was obvious by the way he spoke that he was trying to hold back on what he truly felt. He looked like he was about ready to explode. As a bad sense of foreboding shook Brian’s body it made him slow down. He didn’t want to go home now.

“I … I h-have to go,” Brian stuttered, unsure what excuse he was actually trying to make.

Pictures of things that could happen invaded his mind. Brian was in fear of Paul lashing out again. Going with him now would end badly. Something was off; something had made Paul enraged. He could see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch. 

Hearing Brian’s protest over coming along didn’t seem to change Paul’s mood for the brighter. As Brian stopped his steps, he growled and turned to face him.

“You have to what?” he snarled and tugged harder on Brian’s hand to get him to move again. For a few steps, Brian stumbled along, but then he once again stopped.

“I have to go … shopping,” Brian pressed out a weak excuse he had made up just in this moment.

Paul wouldn’t have it. He squeezed his hand firmer, so much so that his fingers started to hurt. Brian winced.

“Oh, shut it, Brian! You don’t want to go shopping; you just hate spending time with me. You don’t give a single fuck about my emotions at all, do you?” Paul stared him down as he asked the question.

Where did he get that idea from? Had it been that obvious how much he had wanted to be away from Paul in the last few days?

The way Paul looked at him made Brian lower his head. Guilt came back to him. What kind of boyfriend had he been to Paul? He had promised to try and forgive him, but all he had done ever since was to drift closer to Nick. How would Paul feel if he knew about the near-kiss? How had Brian even allowed it to get so far, when he had a boyfriend? He would have welcomed it, too, truly not caring what Paul felt.

Brian started to walk along again. It was not like he felt any more secure, with Paul in this mood, but he thought that perhaps he could find the words to calm him down.

“I do care for you, babe,” Brian whispered, but a flash in Paul’s eyes told him that it only made him angrier.

Brian was scared to walk with Paul while he was so obviously mad, but Brian felt like he had to make it up to him.

After walking through the streets in silence for a while, they reached the parking lot. Paul only let go of Brian’s hand once they were standing in front of the passenger side. He watched Brian as he took his seat. Only when he was buckled up did Paul climb into the car himself.

“You and I are going to have a talk when we get home,” Paul said with a low growl as he started the car.

Brian was tense. He didn’t know what it was that had made Paul this angry. There were many things it could be. Brian had not exactly been honest to his boyfriend recently. Maybe he found out about him not eating as much as he had promised. Maybe he noticed how they were drifting apart. 

Perhaps he noticed something was up between Nick and Brian, but Paul couldn’t know the intensity of the longing Brian felt for Nick. How could he? Brian had tried to be so secretive of it. 

Brian examined Paul carefully. His face was painted in anger and it seemed to get worse and worse the closer they got to their place. It was frightening, and by instinct Brian moved closer to the window away from Paul. 

Brian wanted to know so dearly what was wrong, but he didn’t dare to ask.

Once they reached their apartment building and Paul had parked their car in the garage, Brian was quick to leave it. Not waiting for Paul, he hurried to get out of it and away from him, into the building and up the stairs. He was breathing heavily, after running up the stairs in such speed and noticed he was shaking when he used his apartment key to unlock the door.

It was not like he was trying to get home quickly, it was more an instinct to get away from Paul. Once he stepped inside the apartment though, he didn’t know where else to flee. Paul would be here soon and there was no place where he could avoid him. 

“You’re in quite a hurry!” 

Before Brian could even decide where to go, Paul had caught up to him. The door clanged shut behind him and Brian turned around slowly to face his boyfriend. His eyes were ice-cold, piercing through him like daggers. Paul was not even trying to hide his anger anymore.

With two quick steps he closed the gap between them and grabbed Brian by his hair, pulling his head backwards, so his eyes were facing the ceiling. Fear became fright and it took hold of Brian’s body.

“Do you have something to tell me, Brian?” Paul asked in a threatening voice and used the grip he had on Brian’s hair to pull him into the bedroom.

Brian’s mind was racing trying to think about the words Paul wanted to hear. He couldn’t tell him about the near-kiss. Paul couldn’t know about that, right? This couldn’t be what it was about, and yet it was the only thing that could explain Paul’s sudden anger.

When they entered the bedroom and Brian still hadn't responded, Paul snarled. He let go of Brian’s hair, but only to slap him right across the face. It made a loud sound and came with a sudden stinging pain that drove tears into Brian’s eyes. The momentum of it was strong enough to make Brian stumble backwards. Paul came after him.

“I fucking saw it in the mirror, you idiot! You and Nick! What the hell was that?” Paul shouted at him.

The mirror, how could he have forgotten about it? When Paul stepped inside the café the reflection would have shown him exactly what happened at the top of the stairs. Now, Brian knew he was in trouble.

“Paul … I,” Brian started but Paul didn’t allow him to finish. 

Before he could say any more words, Paul had put his hand upon Brian’s mouth, holding it closed, staring into his eyes. As Paul moved forward and pushed him up against the side of the bed Brian widened his eyes. What was he doing?

“Who do you think you are?” He asked with sharp spoken words. “You are nothing more than a fucking pig. My fucking pig, is that clear?”

A pig? Was that how Paul saw him? An animal he fattened up and used? A single tear started to run down Brian’s cheek. This wasn’t love.

Paul pressed himself closer to Brian as he asked that question. Brian could feel that he was sporting an erection. Paul was putting him down and he had a fucking hard-on. Brian shuddered at that realization. 

Paul licked across his cheek where the tear had fallen, then leaned back again and stared into Brian's eyes.

“I fucking asked you a question!” Paul growled and slapped him once more, while still holding Brian's mouth closed.

It hurt even more than the first hit. Now that Paul basically held his head in place, Brian felt like the force of the slap was much harder. He cried out his agony, but the sound was muffled by Paul’s hand. Paul just laughed.

“You are so pitiful. Without me, you would be nothing!” Paul mocked him as he finally took the hand off Brian's mouth.

Instead, he grabbed him by his waist and shoved him forcefully onto the bed. Brian had not even recovered from that motion, when Paul started climbing on top of him. He was looking down into his eyes and put his hand back onto Brian’s mouth.

“You stupid idiot. Nobody could ever appreciate your body like me,” Paul said 

He brought his free hand to Brian’s belly and squeezed it. After a moment he brought it up to Brian’s face and used two fingers to push up his nose to give him a pig-like snout.

“Oink for me, piggy!” Paul demanded, and pushed his hips and his erection up against Brian’s lower body.

Brian was crying heavily. This was so bad. His cheek was hurting, his head felt dizzy, and his heart was about to break. What was Paul's goal? Did he simply want to humiliate him or was there more? 

“I said, ‘oink!’” Paul shouted, when Brian didn’t make a sound.

Brian’s body flinched at the sudden volume of that voice. It was terrifying, but Brian gathered all his courage to shake his head. He couldn’t do it. It was simply disgusting to think about it. Acting and sounding like a pig, he would loose the last bit of control and humanity he had left in this relationship.

Paul huffed at his reaction.

“You fucking do as I say!” Paul yelled and grabbed Brian by the throat.

He wasn’t exactly throttling him yet, but it was an obvious threat of what would happen if he didn’t comply. There was no other way.

“Nick won’t love you. Do you think anybody but me could ever love somebody like you?” Paul asked.

The words touched something inside of Brian. For a moment he wondered if it was true. Was it true that Nick could never love him? His tears ran harder.

Then he remembered all the moments he had shared with Nick: on Valentine’s day, his birthday, at basketball training when Nick said he liked him and then this morning, when Nick had sung for him. Nick had nearly kissed him. 

Paul was lying. It wasn’t true. Nick could love him; maybe he already did. 

Suddenly fueled by the thoughts of Nick, Brian felt a new strength rise inside of him. Without even realizing what he was doing, Brian fought back for the first time in their relationship. His hand flew through the air and hit Paul’s cheek.

“Stop!” Brian called out as loud as he could.

As Brian’s hand hit Paul’s face, his boyfriend was taken back by it and widened his eyes. Obviously shaken by Brian’s reaction, Paul rolled off his body taking his hands away from him. Brian watched as he brought a hand up to the cheek.

“You hit me,” Paul said in shock.

Paul was speaking the truth, he truly had hit him. Brian felt surprised by it himself. For a moment he just stared at the hand that had hit Paul's face, then he pushed himself into a sitting position. 

Looking at Paul, Brian tried to read the situation. He wasn't sure yet if this was over or if Paul would attack him again. What had occurred still had Brian's body shaking. For a moment he observed his boyfriend, but Paul seemed to be unsure what to do.

Instantly, everything seemed so clear in Brian's mind. Paul was no good for him, he didn't even care for his well-being. For Paul, Brian was just some object to use for his own desires — at least that was how it felt. Brian finally found his voice again, pushing himself off the bed.

"I’ve had enough, Paul. I'm done; it's over!" Brian said with determination, and wiped the last tears off of his face.

"No, Brian, no." Paul sounded so weak.

It made Brian think of Paul's earlier words. Who was being pitiful now? Slowly, Brian walked towards the wardrobe and got his suitcase right from the top of it. The goal was clear. He had to leave and as quickly as he could. Brian couldn't stay a moment longer with Paul.

"Brian, please. You can't leave. Please, Brian, no," Paul was begging now and Brian turned to face him.

What he saw shocked him. There he was, the man that had just acted so tough. The man that always pretended to be so strong and in control. Now he was crying and had pulled his legs up to his chest. 

"It's my fault; I'm sorry, Brian. I never should have done the things I did." Paul was apologizing again, sobbing. "I never wanted to be like _him._ "

Brian wasn't sure what Paul was talking about, but it was obvious that he was truly distressed. Brian hesitated to continue packing his things. How could he just leave Paul alone when he was sobbing and shaking like that? He had never been this way before; something had to be seriously wrong.

"What are you talking about?" Brian asked with furrowed eyebrows, not ready yet to put warmth back into his words.

"Brian, I never wanted it to be like that," Paul sobbed. "I never wanted to become such a bastard. I guess he still manages to ruin my life after all."

Paul was speaking in riddles and Brian raised his eyebrows. It was like he saw a completely new side of Paul; he was so vulnerable that Brian couldn't help but to feel compassion for him.

"Who?" Brian asked in a softer voice. He sighed before sitting down on the carpet in front of the wardrobe.

"My father, Brian," Paul said.

Brian could see how Paul's eyes became empty. His stomach hurt thinking about the things that could lead to dead eyes like that.

"When I was a child, he … " Paul started, then looked to the ceiling. It was obvious he had a hard time to keep his composure, but then he spoke on, "He was a drunk and he abused my mother and me. Every time he came home drunk, I had to see my mother suffer and when he noticed me, he … he didn't just hit me. He used me … he … " 

Paul fell silent as tears and sobbing grabbed him again.

He couldn't speak any more, but he didn't have to. Hearing those words, Brian could guess what happened and it hurt his heart to think about it. Paul had been cruel to him, but they had once been in love. There was not much of that left, but still they had shared a connection. The part of him that still cared for Paul pushed Brian to stand up and walk over to him.

As he approached Paul, his boyfriend looked up at him. He looked so hurt, how could he leave him now? It was just cruel.

There were no words that came to Brian's mind to speak, but he sat down on the bed and pulled Paul closer into a hug.

"Shh, babe," Brian whispered, "it's alright."

Paul's body slumped in his hold and he started to sob more heavily. Brian pulled Paul tighter as he leaned his head against Brian's chest hiding his face.

"I never wanted to be like him. I'm sorry, you don't deserve all that I put you through, but please, Brian, don't leave me. Please don't. I promise you I will change. I - I'll even start therapy, I promise. I can't loose you. I love you," Paul said in a quiet, pain-written voice.

Brian shook his head slightly. Even though he wasn't sure he loved Paul anymore, he wouldn't leave him, not like this, not when he was so broken now, not when Brian was finally starting to understand what was going on in his mind. He had to give him a chance to change now that he was being honest with him. 

It hurt so much to think about the pain Paul went through as a child. Brian couldn't even relate. His father had been rather strict, but never in his lifetime would he have ever laid a hand on Brian. Paul had grown up with a cruel man; it was no wonder he was messed up. Gently, Brian moved his hand through Paul's long hair, stroking it.

"Shh. I won't leave you, not today," Brian whispered into Paul's ear. "I'll try to give you another chance. I can't promise anything, but I'll try. You have to promise me, though, that you'll try to change!"

Brian spoke and leaned back to look into Paul's eyes. As their eyes met, Paul still looked so weak.

"I promise. I will call a therapist tomorrow. I never want to hurt you again," Paul spoke before leaning back into Brian's chest again.

As Paul continued to cry, Brian felt that tears were forming in his eyes, too. He didn't know if it was because of the story Paul told him or if there was more to it. He wasn't exactly sure if his choice to stay with Paul had been the right one. Before Paul had spoken about the abuse in his past, Brian had been ready to go. He had already pictured himself going to Nick. Now, that couldn't happen.

Brian had promised to stay with Paul, but it hurt to realize that this meant he couldn't be with Nick.


End file.
